Take the Lead

Looking for the perfect way to end your marriage or kill one of your friends? Well look no further, kind readers! Lucky for you, some kind Neighborgooder left all the ingredients you'll need to host the Worst Dinner Party Ever!

First, you'll need some lovely stained stainless steel cookware....

But what's the use of a pot without something to put in it?

Behold:

Because what could be more appetizing than an opened bottle of generic drug-store brand Echinacea?

To me, Echinacea has always been a sham. Aside from making me nauseous, I never felt any different after popping some. In fact, according to this Wikipedia Article, there is no proof whatsoever that Echinacea has any effect on the duration of any illness at all. My favorite line from the article follows:

In one investigation by an independent consumer testing laboratory, five of eleven selected retail echinacea products failed quality testing. Four of the failing products contained measured levels of phenols believed to be related to potency below the levels stated on the labels. One failing product was contaminated with lead.

Since the NeighborGoodie offered above is the off-brand, I am sure it is safe to assume it is fully contaminated with lead.

Of course, for your dinner party, you'll need some fine china to serve your lead-laden meal upon:

Luckily, this set of five floral patterned dinner plates and casserole dish will compliment your meal quite nicely, as it is no doubt painted with the same lead contained in the echinacea.

And for dessert, you'll be happy to take advantage of some of this tainted fruit...

...which, for some reason, is located not on the NeighborGoodies table at all, but on top of one of the washing machines.

As you know, this is NOT an authorized place for the NeighborGoodies, but apparently someone unfamiliar with the process thought it would be an acceptable substitue.

Perched upon a beige messenger bag, these three ceramic strawberries are sure to be a crunchy treat at the end of your Echinacea dinner. In fact, the (also lead-based, I assume) paint is flaking off...

...in case you'd rather sprinkle the lead-strawberry flavoring onto a strudel instead of serving the hollow hand-painted fruit whole.

Once finished, just watch as your dinner guests wretch, heave, choke and cry--a sure sign that your dinner party was a success!

Pot Luck

There's a mish mash of items in today's Neighborgoodies.

First up, in the "things no one wants in their kitchen" department, there's this rusty, nasty pot.

I could almost taste the rusted baked bean residue as I took the photo. It comes with a matching less-rusty-but-more-scratched partner as well:


Mmmm...boil an egg in this and get little flecks of teflon in every bite! Wahoo!

There's also a plethora of random cups for your drinking pleasure:



First up is this handsome purple "Thirsty-Two Ouncer" from AM/PM Mini Markets. Next is this yellow goblet. . .

. . .which currently contains a candle holder. Just in case you want to drink some hot wax after your Teflon omelet.

And you can round it all out with this . . .dildo?

Ok...it's probably not a dildo. It's a stylish bottle of cologne (or, more likely, urine.)

Note: After taking this photo, I went to the gym and when I returned, I discovered this bottle had been placed on top of the car which belongs to the filthy aging spinster who now manages the apartment building... which makes me worry about what she's doing with the NeighborGoodies. Perhaps this is why her fucking yipyap dogs never stop barking. . .they are being sexually assaulted by the NeighborGoodies at the hands of their hobo owner! (Who, by the way, has taken to letting her dogs potty all over the courtyard we all share. Thanks for raising our rent, cuntface! Yes. It certainly is Luxury Living in the Hollywood Hills. . .)

A (not quite) Stainless Steal

After finishing my first post, I decided that my cell phone's low-quality photos weren't going to cut it, so I marched back down to the laundry room to take new photos of the accessories, but alas, they were all gone. They were snatched up pretty quickly, likely from one of the wannabe actors or actress who plague the halls of the building. Those accessories will no doubt wind up as the basis for some hilarious 80's style sketch on youtube in the coming weeks. I can't wait.

Coming back from the gym this morning, I found this filthy item:



This tiny Ikea pot that is probably ten years old and covered with stains and rust. I guess if you're going to get rid of something, why bother cleaning it? Just cook your mac & cheese for dinner and, rather than rinse it out, take the pot right from the stove top and deposit it onto the giveaway table.

Perhaps the most terrifying piece of today's post is the fact that the gross, unidentifiable stain on the laundry table is eerily similar to the rust stain inside of the pot:

What do we think this is?

Did the pot cause the stain? Or vice versa? After looking at the photos, I began to wonder what would happen if I placed the stain on the pot directly on top of the jizz stain on the table. Would it unlock the magical laundry-land where all the missing socks go? Or would I be transported to some college dorm room where this thing no doubt spent most of its life?

I went down to try it out, but the pot was gone...one mere hour after my discovery of it.

You've gotta act quick if you want to cash in on these opportunities, I guess. For what it's worth...the stain is still there. Ofcourseitis.