Take the Lead

Looking for the perfect way to end your marriage or kill one of your friends? Well look no further, kind readers! Lucky for you, some kind Neighborgooder left all the ingredients you'll need to host the Worst Dinner Party Ever!

First, you'll need some lovely stained stainless steel cookware....

But what's the use of a pot without something to put in it?

Behold:

Because what could be more appetizing than an opened bottle of generic drug-store brand Echinacea?

To me, Echinacea has always been a sham. Aside from making me nauseous, I never felt any different after popping some. In fact, according to this Wikipedia Article, there is no proof whatsoever that Echinacea has any effect on the duration of any illness at all. My favorite line from the article follows:

In one investigation by an independent consumer testing laboratory, five of eleven selected retail echinacea products failed quality testing. Four of the failing products contained measured levels of phenols believed to be related to potency below the levels stated on the labels. One failing product was contaminated with lead.

Since the NeighborGoodie offered above is the off-brand, I am sure it is safe to assume it is fully contaminated with lead.

Of course, for your dinner party, you'll need some fine china to serve your lead-laden meal upon:

Luckily, this set of five floral patterned dinner plates and casserole dish will compliment your meal quite nicely, as it is no doubt painted with the same lead contained in the echinacea.

And for dessert, you'll be happy to take advantage of some of this tainted fruit...

...which, for some reason, is located not on the NeighborGoodies table at all, but on top of one of the washing machines.

As you know, this is NOT an authorized place for the NeighborGoodies, but apparently someone unfamiliar with the process thought it would be an acceptable substitue.

Perched upon a beige messenger bag, these three ceramic strawberries are sure to be a crunchy treat at the end of your Echinacea dinner. In fact, the (also lead-based, I assume) paint is flaking off...

...in case you'd rather sprinkle the lead-strawberry flavoring onto a strudel instead of serving the hollow hand-painted fruit whole.

Once finished, just watch as your dinner guests wretch, heave, choke and cry--a sure sign that your dinner party was a success!

Thyme's Square

Seriously, what the hell is this thing:

On my way out to the gym yesterday morning, I saw this beauty and, even though I was late, I felt the urge to run upstairs to grab my camera to take some photos of this beast.




Judging from the size of the finger paint streaks that mar the 24" by 18" canvas, I'd say it's some kid's school project--a 3-D replica of NY's Times Square.

I love that some of the skyscrapers are even labeled:
Look! It's Radio City Music Hall and the NASDAQ!

While I do enjoy it, I am struggling to understand the presence of this little hot dog that is glued in the middle of everything.


I have to respect that this kid chose to glue a tiny hot dog replica to his project in an attempt to add another layer of authenticity to it...although if the hot dog exists on the same plane as the buildings, then it is, apparently, just floating in midair in between the skyscrapers. I could live in a town with floating hot dogs!

There's even a teensy tiny little NYC Subway map haphazardly hanging off the canvas, possibly to indicate wind...or maybe litter. Either way, the kid is dead on.


I just love the attention to detail. Here, for example are the giant ads that are such an iconic part of the Times Square experience. Brought to you by JVC and Coke!

I searched for clues to find the artist's identity, but there is nothing. Nothing, that is, except perhaps my favorite feature of this piece of work: A tiny orange hand in the lower right hand corner. Here's a closer look:



I seriously don't even know what to do with this thing, other than wish I had taken it when I had the chance. It was long gone by the time I got home from work---some other lucky mofo in the building snatched it right up before I had a chance to claim it as my own.

Also included in today's find, conveniently enough for pun's sake, are 26 bottles of spices:



There's plenty for the taking...including two bottles of everyone's favorite:


Yeah, I'm twelve. So what? These, too, were snatched up when I returned home from work. I'm never going to dinner at anyone's apartment in this building out of fear that they'll be using the laundry spices.

Of course, if they're cooking tiny map hot dogs, I might reconsider. . .