Beauty is in the Eye of the Needle

With the right tools, there's no telling what a budding artist can make.

A print like "Suburban Refuge," for example...
...doesn't just happen. The artist must be inspired by the things around him. Monte Dolack was clearly moved by the alarming amount of bird poop in his bathroom, which lead him to create what he's best known for: The "Invader Series" of prints, which are comprised of "wild animals wreaking havoc in human homes." Most people would just invest in a window for the gaping hole that was clearly in his bathroom. But like all great artists, Monte thought outside the box!

This specific print, complete with its sun-bleached appearance and cheap, cracked frame is a perfect addition to "art-up" any home--especially one in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills! And I bet it's big enough to block any holes that fowl may be using to fly in from outside!

But not every artist is as prolific or talented as Mr. Dolack, and not every artist can create such beauty using images. No, each person must find their own muse and their own instruments to create art. Some use music, others use words (Hey! Maybe I'm an artist! Why not?!) and there are the precious few that can use...


...balls of yarn about the size of your head.

Unless there's a giant kitty chasing you, there are probably only two real practical uses for this alarming amount of yarn: Knitting an extremely large sweater, or crafting tens of thousand scarves.

To be fair, it's getting cooler outside, and with this yarn's Fall foliage-inspired browns, yellows and reds, it seems like now is the perfect time to begin creating your own clothing!

And for some extra pizazz, you could even use the "Embellish-Knit!"


Embellish-Knit is some sort of sewing gadget that adds fanciness to whatever it is you're trying to put together, allowing you to unleash your inner Fashion Designer.


Due to the fact that I neither sew, nor care about sewing, I can't really be bothered to tell you any more about this instrument. But here's what I do know: Not everyone should be making their own clothes...

I for one am glad that whoever designed the above monstrosity immediately surrendered their yarn and Knit-cheater, before even attempting to craft sleeves onto it.

And yes: I know that all forms of art are subjective... but I'm sure we can all agree that this thing is made of ugly. I'd rather wear the bathroom rug after Dolnack's pigeons are done with it.

Come to think of it, they do look kind of similar...


Hmm...guess I could be an artist after all!

Hello Potty

Hello Kitty seems to rear her cute little head a lot here on the NeighborGoodies Table. There were the matching wallet & cap from October 2008...


...not to mention the Hello Kitty Notebook paper from July of this year...


...and who could forget Shamu's Hello Kitty pencil case, left just a few weeks ago:


All are adorable, but none can match the angelic sight of these Hello Kitty shower curtain holders:

I found these kitty-heads lined up in formation on the Big Blue Table, as if someone was trying to start a Cute Parade, or maybe an Adorable Army. This is interesting because up until now, no NeighborGooder has ever seemed to think that presentation was all that important when getting rid of their trash.

As you know, my policy on bathroom-related NeighborGoodies is pretty much set in stone: "If it was near the grout, throw it out." (As opposed to everyone else in this building, who thinks "If it was on the tile, add it to the pile..." or "If it's mired in poo, more for you!") Generally, I think my rule is a good one. However--and this will come as a shock to long-time NeighborGoodies readers:

I think these Hello Kitty shower curtain rings might actually be OK in my book.

I guess presentation really does matter: The line-up of kitty-heads with their pink little bows and big adorable eyes are awfully hard to resist. Just look at them, standing there at attention, waiting for their orders. Sure, they'll likely stab you with the giant hooks coming out of their charming little heads, but at least they'll be just darling when they do it.

The shower curtain itself, however...


...I could probably do without.

My theory was proven when, as I was putting my clothes in the dryer (yes, I was actually using the NeighborGoodies Room to do laundry...) a couple came by and scooped up these kitties. The woman was talking about a child of one of their friends who was "obsessed" with Hello Kitty. She described the girl's bedroom as being "pink and adorable." As they got on the elevator with their armloads of cat-heads, the man looked down at the faces staring up at him and muttered: "terrifying."

I'm sure they've been killed by the Kitty Death Army by now, but they did do one smart thing: They left the shower curtain.

Fools Brushin'

Fewer things gross me out more than Bathroom-related NeighborGoodies. Believe me: No one wants anything you're tossing out that once lived in your bathroom. Generally, you're disposing of these things because they have turned your Luxurious Hollywood Hills Apartment into a biohazard. So if you don't want it--why expose your neighbors?

Case in point:

To put it simply: These toiletry totes belong in a landfill. I'm all for "going green," except when doing so puts my hygiene and gums in danger. As disgusting as the used traveling soap-dish is (imagine the soap-slime and the creepy-curly nasties that are still inside...) I believe the toothbrush holder is a thousand times nastier.

To me, using this case could actually be more disgusting than utilizing someone else's toothbrush which, up until right now, was The Worst Thing I Could Imagine. At least you could scrub the toothbrush and set it on fire before brushing, giving yourself some sense of germ destruction. But the toothbrush holder? There's just no way to remove the dried toothpaste, bits of blood and whatever other post-brushing residue that has built-up deep inside of this thing. Unless, of course, you used a toothbrush to clean it out... But then...what would you brush your teeth with?

...

I may have just blown my own mind and, in the process, given myself gingivitis. I need to go lie down.

Eiffel Shower

Two facts about the Eiffel Tower:

Number One: It's big.

Number Two: The Eiffel Tower is not on the NeighborGoodies Table.

Well, at least not the original Eiffel Tower.
This is a miniature Eiffel Tower, and it is different than the original French Eiffel Tower in a few pretty important ways. First of all, it is not nearly as big as the original, thankfully. (That laundry room gets pretty crowded as it is, and I suspect that having a thousand-plus foot French tower wouldn't really help the situation.)

Secondly, the tower on the Big Blue Table is, for some reason, full of lilac lavendar bath salts.

According to this tag, "This 18th century recipe... was given to the Countess Belle de Fleur by her adoring husband for her birthday every year. These salts have been faithfully recreated for a luxurious bathing experience. Add 2 T. to warm water and bath like royalty."

Well, this Goodie certainly seems to be appropriate to keep up any Luxury Living you might be doing in the Hollywood Hills. Although these attached trinkets...
...including a teensy-weensy golden bible and an even smaller version of the Eiffel Tower seem out of place.

Also out of place, is the brightly painted orange and white version of the Eiffel Tower in Japan, called the Tokyo Tower:

(Another thing that is out of place is that segue. But hang in there...)

Like the original Eiffel Tower, the Tokyo Tower is also not on the NeighborGoodies Table. This tower, "inspired" by its French counterpart, is actually bigger than the original and is used for Japanese TV and Radio broadcast antennae. Despite its size, it will become outdated soon when Japanese TV makes the switch to digital broadcasting. And so they're building a new tower.

. . .

If you found that factoid about Japan to be completely boring, good job! It means you're hungry for a different side of Japan. A side of Japan few people ever get to see. Perhaps you need a seriously awesome television program that will illuminate this side of Japan in a hilariously hilarious way.

Perhaps a show like, umm....oh, I don't know, just off the top of my head. . .

Todd Newton: Are You Game? which just happens to be premiering tonight at 10:30PM (9:30PM Central) on the Travel Channel! (Those of you on the west coast can maybe catch it at 7:30PM Pacific-if you get the east coast feed! If not, just settle down till 10:30 and shut up!)

Are You Game is the story of game show host extraordinaire Todd Newton, who has decided that hosting games is for suckas: playing the games is where it's at! And so Todd's goal is to compete in a game show in every country! Head on over to the Are You Game website for a sneak peek at the pilot episode, where Todd competes on one of the effing weirdest shows you've ever seen. Seriously, it's just... totally bizarre. In the most awesome way possible.

This pilot is the reason I was in Japan a few months ago--so you should probably go ahead and set your Tivos and fall in love with it right now--because if it does well, a bunch of really awesome people will have really awesome jobs on a really awesome show.

And in order for me to keep up this Luxurious Lifestyle in the Hollywood Hills, I'm gonna need to work on something that doesn't make me perish.

Todd Newton: Are You Game?
Premiering TONIGHT at 10:30PM/9:30 Central on The Travel Channel!

Thou Shalt Not Steal

People steal things from hotels all the time. In fact, they want you to take many of these items: The shampoos, the pads of paper, the pens all bearing the hotel's logo... It makes sense to take some of these items. After all, who couldn't use an extra pen while traveling? Of course, I would never take any of these things for the same reason I don't want anything off the NeighborGoodies table: Who knows what sort of filthy animal was handling it before you? It's bad enough I have to see the crazies who leave things on the Big Blue Table. I can't help but believe that the the unseen, unwashed masses who were in my hotel room before me are even worse.

Which is why I'm disturbed that someone, somewhere--especially in a place as luxurious as the Hollywood Hills--would ever think it's a good idea to take one of these from a hotel:

This rubber no-slip mat that magically prevents you from killing yourself by slipping in the shower is one of the filthiest things (but not THE filthiest) that has ever found its way down to the NeighborGoodies Table. For the love of God, all the dirt, grime and disease that was on anyone before they jumped in the shower passes over this item on its way to the drain. People, please be aware, these things are not brand new when you step on them, and there's no way to tell how many people were on this thing before you, or what was oozing out of them at the time.

Now to the case at hand: Not only was someone disgusting enough to take this thing out of their hotel, pack in their suitcase next to their clothes and bring it home... This person then used it, realized that it was annoying and possibly a biological threat, then discarded it not into the fiery inferno that would destroy its germs, but into our laundry room where just anyone could take it.


This is likely the same type of person who takes the dirty-ass towels from hotels as well, despite the fact they feel like sandpaper and they often make you bleed when you use them. To hell with those towels, and to the hotels who think they are fooling us into believing that those filthy items are anything more than rusty razor blades sewn together.

And, most importantly, to hell with the NeighborGooder who thinks any of us want this rubber piece of Athlete's Foot.

Unwelcome Mat

Hello, dear readers! In an example of Life Imitating South Park, the internet has been down in the apartment for a few days. As it turns out, there is no special treatment for those of us who live in Luxury in the Hollywood Hills. But no matter! The NeighborGoodies have been piling up!

Let's start off with a MysteryGoodie! Care to take a guess what this fine specimen is?


The Blue Bulges and random circles are confusing to an untrained eye, and you might think this is an artist's rubbery replica of a UFO formation in the sky. . .but you are mistaken!! The answer is coming up in a moment...but first, let's talk about this:

It looks like a bottle of perfume, but seems to be filled with some sort of adobe-like coagulant...or perhaps some gold finger paint. I was going to open the bottle to smell it in an attempt to identify the contents, but then I noticed the glass is pretty thick around the edges, which leads me to believe that it contains Dangerous Materials. Possibly Ricin! And so, just to be safe, I left it on the NeighborGoodies table for some other neighbor to take. Luckily, someone left behind a Ceramic Trinket Box to safely carry this possibly radioactive material in:


This hideous morsel looks like it had never left the box. . .



. . .at least, not until I took it out to inspect it.

The Trinket Box feels like something someone would purchase at a yard sale, blown away by the fact that it only costs fifty cents, only to bring it home and wonder what the hell to do with it. They shoved it in a closet for about three years before depositing it on the Table of Giving. Luckily it has found a new life as a Dangerous Materials Storage Unit.

And speaking of Dangerous Materials, it's time to reveal the identity of today's MysteryGoodie:


The powder blue rubbery bumps. The Circles indicating something sinister underneath of the item. The required Filth Factor. It all can mean only one thing:


. . .the Third Neighborgoodie Bathmat this year. WHY! Why do my neighbors feel the need to share their disgusting, mold-and-athlete's-foot-covered, used bathmats on the NeighborGoodies table? This is a civilized Give and Take situation--not a depository for your feces and diseases!

You can almost see the bacteria that has built up after years of use:


Perhaps I'm mistaken. Perhaps the people of my building don't mind the idea of standing on a vile bathmat that one of their weird neighbors was naked upon a mere 24 hours ago... because not only do these things keep appearing--but they also keep disappearing.

Gross!

Wet Pets (and other things that blow)

Today, we’re going to play Guess the NeighborGoodie!

Upon first seeing this attachment. . .

…you’d be correct to think that perhaps this is some sort of vacuum cleaner. But then you see this filthy thing attached to it. . . .


. . .and you realize that anything this dirty couldn’t possibly be used to clean anything.

So what is this disgusting item?

Why, it’s the Bubble Spa by Homedics!

It turns any bathtub into a Bubble Spa with Thousands of Tiny Bubbles! The sticker on the front indicates this product has been seen on TV, which generally is code for "Infomercial!” And you just know it features clumsy people nearly perishing by trying to turn their bathtubs into Jacuzzis.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a video of it, so I went right to the Homedics web site, which features dozens of products for your home spa—some of which have been “featured in television and radio commercials nationwide.” Wow! Commercials! On radio and television! How fancy! I’ll take two of everything!

Unfortunately, the Bubble Spa is nowhere to be found on their web site, which is filled with images of people relaxing--none of whom seem to be anywhere near any of the HoMedics litany of useless products.

A quick glance at the Bubble Spa on the As Seen On Tv web site sadly reveals that this product is no longer available.

There seem to be a lot of Bubble Spas for sale on Craigs List all throughout the country, which may indicate a general failure of the quality of this product. But I think this anonymous review on infomercialads.com, entitled “Great For a Bird Bath” sums it up best:

I've had this spa mat for two years now and not only is it loud, but the bubbles are way too strong for relaxing (even on the low setting). Your limbs get knocked all over the place and, if you attempt to read a book with it on, it will certainly get wet. I was planning on returning it until I discovered my parrot absolutely loves it and constantly attempts to visit her 'friend' in the bathroom. Her favorite activity is to sit on my shoulder with hardly any water in the tub (since she's clumsy) and this thing going on full blast, sounds pretty fun right? So although I would probably only give it two stars, it gets an extra one just for the sheer bath-time listening pleasure it provides for birds. (If I may have seriously sold you on this for your parrot, make sure you get the one without heat, no reason to take the chance of Teflon on the poor creatures- mine is the older version). Also, the mat is hard to clean if it's not kept meticulously dry.

Thank you, Crazy Bird Lady, for your perspective. I can’t help but wonder if the woman who wrote this review lives across the hall from me. She seems like the type who would have a house full of "clumsy" birds that she systematically drowns in this Bubble Spa. The first bird-murder may have been an accident, what with her limbs being knocked all over the place and all…but I feel like she’s the type who loved the feeling of power. She likely continued to buy parakeets at the local pet shop until the shopkeeps figured out her scheme and put a lifetime ban on her. And once the birds were gone, why keep the evidence?

Or maybe she just got rid of it because it was filthy:



Gross. Put “other people’s soap scum” on the list of things I don’t ever want to see on the NeighborGoodies Table again. Or is that bird poo? hmm...

Blue Monday

This weekend, there were lots of NeighborGoodies laying around. The first two tiny items are beauty product samples:
This teensy tiny container of Blue Chamomile Day Moisturizer is about the size of a quarter and came from EvanHealy company, along with this tiny bottle of Blue Lavender Cleansing Milk:

My question is, when did "blue" become an ingredient for face creams and "cleansing milk" (whatever that is)? A quick trip to the Evan Healy web site reveals that these are "Holistic" skin care products, but it doesn't seem to mention how much blue is contained in their products. According to the web site, these products were featured in an article in Martha Stewart's now-defunct Blueprint Magazine.

Then I realized that the rest of the items on the blue table that is NeighborGoodies Central, were also quite blue, including these two postcards:




Both of these postcards feature works of art by Eric Drooker from a 1992 book called Flood! A Novel In Pictures, which is described as "a modern novel written in the ancient language of pictures."

Is it a coincidence, or is someone consciously making an effort to remove the color blue from their lives? Perhaps they took it too literally when they were told to do something to get rid of their blues.

Also removed from their troubled life, this light blue 2008 weekly planner:



This one dollar blue item was likely purchased in order to help this individual gain control of their life, but was ultimately discarded six weeks into the year, without a single plan inside of it.

The final piece of blue baloney is quite similar to an item I was pissed off about just a mere ten days ago. Ladies and Gentlemen, it's the Return of Carpet Madness:


Yes...once again the NeighborGoodies table has been bequeathed a vehicle of feces in the form of a used toilet seat cover and bathroom floor cozy--with the same exact pattern as the red ones that appeared weeks ago--have a look:

A Neighboroodies Flashback!

Same hideous floral pattern....same misguided notion that someone in this building wants these things.

And finally, all of these blue items were being overseen by this pissed-off cat:


While the kitty itself isn't blue, I'm sure that it was still causing the NeighborGooder a mild case of The Blues, so clearly it had to go as well.

Hopefully this person searching for a sense of order will find happiness in her blue-less existence. And, hopefully, we here in the Hollywood Hills will benefit by getting their Smurfs DVDs.

It's Carpet Madness!

I can think of nothing more revolting than bathrooms...even though I enjoy my time in them.
It's one of the few times during the day where I feel like I can be truly alone. In the shower, on the toilet...people generally don't bother you while you're in there. If someone dares to talk to me while I'm in the bathroom, they get a swirly, plain and simple.

Anyway, as much as I love the idea of bathroom solitude, I'm well aware of the grossness factor. Bathrooms are just nasty. Period. But if there is anything more disgusting than a bathroom, it's NeighborGoodies from a bathroom!


My best guess is that one of the neighbors is redecorating her bathroom and, rather than throwing out this horrific red flowery used toilet seat cover, she has donated it to the NeighborGoodies pile, hoping to send it to a good home.

The fact that there's a matching....whatever the hell this thing is called, is merely icing on the (urinal) cake:



These two hideous items are free to a good home. . .because who doesn't want to take someone else's ratty old feces-covered bathroom carpet and toilet seat cover?