Samantha Who?

I get weirdly excited when I see cardboard boxes on the NeighborGoodies table. Generally, they are crammed with infinite pieces of crazy--all combined into one convenient container for us to enjoy!

Here's a look at today's box!


These giant pink high heel shoes are made up of clear plastic in the middle so that the sides of your feet get exposed. I'm not a big Shoe-guy, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to meet a woman wearing a pair of shoes like this. They can't be comfortable...and if a woman can wear them, then she's probably undead.

Next up:

This is the first time anyone's name has been on a NeighborGoodie. Unfortunately, I don't know anyone named Samantha in the building. What is this woman thinking? Why not just throw this in the trash? The probability of someone named Samantha entering NeighborGoodies Central and impulsively deciding to claim this useless piece of personalized poo is pretty low. Whoever this Samantha chick is really wasn't thinking things through.

Especially when she purchased this. . .


A pair of turquoise terrycloth pants. What the hell, Samantha? There was a matching shirt that I didn't have time to take a photo of, for fear of getting caught. But I can assure you, it was equally hideous.

And finally, this 'classic' "I'm a Pepper" shirt celebrating Dr. Pepper's commercials from the 70s and 80s:

As usual, I started to wonder about the type of person Samantha is. While the pop culturiness of the Dr. Pepper shirt leads me to think she might be kind of cool in that she respects her beverage heritage...it seems incongruous with the rest of her Florida grandma wardrobe and her hilariously uptight warning signage. Of course, she is giving all these things away, clearly unaware that the Hipsters would buy a Dr. Pepper shirt like that for approximately $65 if found on Melrose.

Armed with a single name. . .I decided I would try to find out who this Samantha girl is in my building. I wandered the halls for a while shouting her name, but no one bit. Samantha's in hiding!

I need to be armed with more than a name, so I went to the NeighborGoodies Art Department for some help. After moments of work, they put together an image of what she might look like. . .and I will say there are several women who fit this description living in luxury in this building. I'll keep an eye out for her--and you should, too!

Keep It In Your Shoes

I worked with a guy a long time ago who was quite fond of the phrase "Keep it in your shoes." He was in a play that used that phrase to let other characters know when he was telling them things in confidence. In real life, he would pop his head into my office and just shout "Shoes!" before continuing down the hall.

I miss corporate America sometimes.

Anyway, today's post continues where Monday's left off--with more Oscar-related goodies.

First up is a book by former Academy Awards host Steve Martin:

Not many people know this, but Steve Martin was actually nominated for an Oscar. Ok, that's kind of a lie...but the first film he was in--a short entitled "The Absent-Minded Waiter" was up for the Best Short Film Oscar in 1978, but it still counts as far as I'm concerned.

Cruel Shoes is a collection of short stories by Steve Martin--the title of which comes from an anecdote of the same name, which you can listen to here.

Steve Martin is pretty much a genius as far as I'm concerned. Unlike Dane Cook, whose album surpassed Martin's Wild & Crazy Guy as the hottest selling Comedy Record ever, Steve's stand up was always solid and most of his movies are amazing, if you don't count things like The Pink Panther and Bilko.

I get that Dane Cook is fun to watch--and I do understand his appeal. He's up there like a comedian, but he has the energy of a rock star. Not a ton of comedians are working up a sweat on stage. Unfortunately, his energy seems to make everyone forget that he's not actually saying anything funny. He's just saying things in a fun way...which I suppose is enough for some people. I wonder what it's like to be dim?

Anyway, I love Steve Martin and highly recommend this book.

Speaking of Cruel Shoes, someone left a pair of barely-used Rollerblades under the NeighborGoodies table:


Rollerblades are especially cruel because they look fun, and then they make you die if you try using them. They entice you with their image of "Hey! Look at us! We're kinda like roller skates, but we're awesome and hip and we'll make you fit! You love roller skates! Put us on!" And then you buy them, use them once, break your ankle and put them in the laundry room of your building, hoping that one of your asshole neighbors will also break their ass.

The guy was kind enough to leave behind his elbow bads and knee pads as well:


I've only been Rollerblading once. I took a friend who was visiting over to Santa Monica and she insisted on making me try. I'm pretty clumsy so she was doing this strictly so she could mock me openly. I actually didn't do as horribly as we both had expected, only falling once when I first got them on and was getting used to them. Once I started moving, I was fine--although I did have to grab her a few times to steady myself so that I wouldn't fall and die. Afterwards, she bladed into the bathroom to take care of some business and I decided that it would be in my best interest to hold off, because I did not want to be covered in my own urine. While she was in there, I took a pretty nasty spill on the concrete.

Suddenly, a pack of kids aged 10 - 14 were swarming around me trying to help me up--clearly having been taught to protect their elders. They kept saying things like, "Are you all right, mister??" It was absolutely one of the more humiliating moments of my life. Especially since my friend saw the whole thing.

As sad as that was, nothing could compare to the horror of having to wear these. . .


These brown suede boots with yellowing fur inside might just be the cruelest shoes out there. I didn't want to get too close to them because they were just nasty. But I will say they were gone within a few hours of being placed up for grabs...so who am I to judge?

Not just Closer to Free...

...but ACTUALLY free!

Oh, I love me some pop culture items--especially when they're free! This XL hoodie from the 1994 hit Fox series Party of Five somehow found its way out of the hands of a trusty crew member (or Suncoast shopper) and onto the NeighborGoodies pile eight full years after the show's cancellation:


This piece of swag, with the show's logo emblazoned on the chest, is pretty well-worn, but it is a must-have for any fan of the show!


One of my first celebrity sightings when I moved to LA was Party of Five star Scott Wolf at the Rite Aid on Fairfax. My first roommate and I were buying toiletries when she spotted the petite actor in the checkout lane next to us. She called him "Hot Wolf" at the time. I made some lame height joke: "More like 'Party of Five-FIVE'!" You know...cuz he's small.

Would that joke have read better if I wrote: Party of 5'5"?

Maybe.

Whatever....here's the show's opening credits for you to enjoy:

And now, you're free to go. Because everybody really does want to be closer to free.