Sometimes, when I see something on the NeighborGoodies Table that is especially dangerous, I can hear my mother (Screamin' Tina) yelling in the back of my mind: "WHAT THE CHRIST IS THAT! DON'T TOUCH IT!" If Tina taught my siblings and I one thing, it's to be suspicious and frightened of all things and people and places all the time forever and ever in perpetuity.
Despite all this, I'd like to think that I somehow managed to become a normal, functioning member of society. Sure, a lot of what I do on this blog might seem like unwarranted paranoia, but really it's just me trying to warn my beloved readers about the dangers of consuming things found on the Neighborgoodies Table, or of hanging out with the potential murderers that are the NeighborGooders themselves. These are merely reminders of the basic fundamentals all people should know: Don't take candy from strangers, and certainly don't go anywhere with them if you can help it.
I have one more thing to add to this list: Don't stick strange things in your eye--especially when it's been discarded in a Luxurious Hollywood Hills Laundry Room, such as this contact lens solution:
I agree with the Tina in my brain, who is currently shouting: "DON'T YOU DARE EVEN THINK ABOUT USING THIS! YOU DON'T KNOW WHO WAS USING THAT, OR WHAT THEY DID TO IT! AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE? MAKING FUN OF YOUR NEIGHBORS? YOU'RE GONNA GET KICKED OUT! JEEFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!"
SHUT UP, MOM! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!!!!!
Oh... sorry. Where was I? Oh yes--I was complaining about the contact lens solution that has likely been replaced with acid by some ne'er-do-well in the building. Like Tina says: "DON'T EVEN TRY IT, OR YOU'LL GO BLIND!"
Then you'll be forced to use this item. And no one wants that.
