Ring Around the Scholar

Oh! Well, hello there, and welcome Back to NeighborGoodies! Did you miss us? Of course you did!

Sorry for unannounced break, but I've been verybusy throwing fruit at people (Please see BananaSurprise for details!) and traveling everywhere (Please see the Country Fried Road Trip for details!)

And just this past weekend, I was in Chicago at my friend Jeff's wedding who, as it turns out, had told every single person he's ever met about this blog--which is why we're huge in the Midwest. So: Congratulations on your wedding, Jeff, and thanks for forcing your friends, family and co-workers into The NeighborGoodies FanBase!

And now: Back to your irregularly scheduled NeighborGoodies!

Since it’s back to school season, I feel it’s best to start off with something for our student-readers. I'm happy to offer some excellent items that can help you make a good first impression on your new classmates! As you know, any good student needs lots of books--Luckily, someone was kind enough to donate twelve of them...


…sure, they're phone books, but they’re chock full of information for you to memorize! These books are a great way to get to know your fellow classmates. For example, when you take these out in your lecture hall, people will surely encircle you and ask you things like, "Why are you carrying phone books," "What's wrong with you," and "Why are we even still making phone books?"

The people who ask this last question are the ones you want to keep around: They are clearly the smartest and most critical thinkers in your class. If no one asks any of these questions, perhaps you should reconsider your choice of schools, as you are surrounded by people who aren't taking an interest in their surroundings. If it's too late to change schools, you could just start calling the numbers out of these books to find someone smart enough to not want to talk to you, and then insist on being their friend.

But as every student knows, learning is more than just books--it's life! And you can't live life naked, so I think some new duds are in order. Nothing can re-invent you better than these handsome and dusty cherry-brown shoes...

...or this very snazzy button-down shirt...

...with a giant, nasty stain around its collar:

I always thought Ring Around the Collar was something that only happened in TV commercials during the 70's & 80's... I had no idea it is still a real--and totally disgusting--phenomenon.

But no one ever said being popular was easy: Do you think NeighborGoodies is so well-loved because of our cleanliness? Do you think we're popular because we have a Twitter and a Facebook page? Do you think people care about us because we make it super-easy to subscribe to NeighborGoodies by email to get each episode delivered directly your inbox?

No. We're popular because people apparently like filth and determination! And nothing says, "I exude confidence (and acid-based neck-sweat!)" quite like deep, fuming stains on your shirts.

So go, young students! Go off and proudly display your Yellow Pages and your Yellow Stains--and Let Your Fingers Do The Walking! (But not in those dusty shoes... They'll never fit.)

Sunday, Bloody Sunday (Or: A Bloody Good Time)

This is, by far, absolutely the most disgusting entry you will ever see on this blog.

It is so disgusting, in fact, that I am posting it on a Sunday afternoon in the hopes that no one will actually read it.

If you are squeamish, maybe you can go read some of the lighter fare on this very blog--perhaps catch up on some of the older posts you may have missed, like the one about the Mormon Flicks, or any of the posts about the Art people leave. Who doesn't love art??

You could even swing by the NeighborGoodies MySpace page or even the Fan Page on Facebook!

There are also plenty of other blogs you can read in the links section! I myself contribute to All Bitched Up sometimes. And there's always Found Magazine, because clearly we all love Things that We Found!

I'm serious. This NeighborGoodie is nas. tee.

Of course, if you absolutely must see the Most Vile NeighborGoodie Ever, then hold on tight.

********

Still here?

Well, don't say I didn't warn you.

I saw this the other day on the table, and didn't really pay much attention to it. Sometimes clothes wind up on the Table which clearly were accidentally left in a dryer after a laundry cycle. Usually these items consist of single socks or washcloths... and, every now and again, some women's delicates (although that term has no business here.)

Such items don't usually warrant a post, as they are gone within a few hours, and weren't actually left by someone for NeighborGoodies Purposes. But I was talking to a Neighbor this week who asked, "Did you see the purple panties down there?"

Keep in mind, no one in the building knows about the blog... so I tried to play it cool: "Yeah, I saw them..." The Neighbor began to rant about how gross they were for a bit, and I didn't understand his ire until he used the phrase "Period Stained" to describe them.

I hadn't noticed any stainage on them, but as I said, I hadn't been paying much attention.

However, I did go to the NeighborGoodies Table later with my friend Keith and discovered (much to both our horrors) that my Neighbor was right.

Someone left a pair of panties down there, completely and utterly.... stained.

And if, for some reason, you absolutely must have a look at them, click here and here. Because I don't want to put the pictures up on the actual blog. But seriously--you don't want to see them.

Now you know why you should never take things from your local NeighborGoodies Table.

Return of Carpet Madness

With the triumphant return of the elevators...comes the triumphant return of unwieldy and oversized Neighborgoodies!

Up for grabs today is this massive carpet, complete with what looks to be food, drink and cigar stains:


As filthy and stained as this carpet is...at least it's not from the bathroom, like the filthiest of all Neighborgoodies.

The unique design of this handsome carpet seems to be a cross between a chalk outline (drawn by a strokey chalk artist) and some sort of vein-like design. Perhaps it's a post-modern, artsy statement about the human condition--how food, drink and smoke impede the flow of your veins inside your body, as well as on your fancy carpet. Or perhaps it is an actual murder scene. It's hard to tell sometimes here in the Hollywood Hills.

Office Space

The generosity from the residents of this building never ceases to amaze me. This weekend, apparently, someone cleaned out their home office, providing the basic building blocks to any small business ideas the neighbors might have, but perhaps didn't have the capital to make it a reality. This is the big break you've been waiting for!

You can't go wrong with this FREE Color Printer:

This Color StyleWriter 4500 was, according to this Wikipedia article, made in 1997. . .and discontinued in 1998. And judging by the level of dust and grime inside of this beast, that's probably the last time anyone has ever used this 4 color inkjet printer!


But the crustiness factor doesn't stop here. If you want to make sure you're infected with something, you should probably pick up this phone:

I'm not sure what the stain is on the bottom of the receiver. . .

. . .but I do know there is more of it inside:


Maybe this phone was used to dial 911 as someone was being stabbed in the face.

Or maybe someone just spilled some soda on it. . .either way, I touched it and will likely either end up in jail or in the hospital because of it.

In addition to a phone, a printer, no small business can run without light! And Lo, there was Light!


And, to back up all of your accounting and database information, you'll need this 2GB Jaz Drive for mac or PC!


Part of me was tempted to bring this baby home and see what sort of data exists on it...but then I lost interest. You should, too.

This decorative pillow, however, should re-pique your interest. (can interest be re-piqued?)

Set in Japan, this turquoise monstrosity is remarkably stain-and-tassle-free!

And every home-business needs a mascot!

This scary-ass doll comes with a stand that makes it hunch over horrifically:


Call me weird, but I sense a great deal of terror emanating from this doll. I'm almost as terrified of her as I was of Esmerelda from my Road Trip of 2005.

In fact, the hunched over angle of this doll matches that of this broken humidifier, also up for grabs in the laundry room:



I'm sure that this doll had something to do with the demise of this humidifier, as well as the demise of the home business that has liquidated its assets to the NeighborGoodie gods. I also have a theory that she's likely also the one who stabbed the 911 caller in the face.

Then she carried everything downstairs to lure some unsuspecting innocent soul into her cursed-antique antics, ala Friday The 13th The Series. She probably broke her spine while hauling the home office downstairs into the laundry room.

Good. The bitch deserves it.

And if Robey comes by, I'm not home. In other news, Robey has a myspace.

Ok, I gottago.

Bed, Bath & Beyond

The other night when I came home, I saw a pile of clothes neatly folded on the Goodies table. I assumed they were someone's laundry, but then noticed the sign posted above them.




As my accomplice/roommate kept watch, I snapped photos of the free items which, upon first look, were a pretty decent take, like these warm looking flannel sheets. . .


. . .or these stylish 1980s style bedsheets. . .



But one has to wonder who in their right mind is picking up used sheets in a dirty laundry room? Especially when a closer look reveals the following piece of nastiness on the pillowcase:


Whoever was sleeping on this pillow clearly had a case of Jizzy-eye. Part of me wanted to see if the sheets also had matching stains, just for the home viewers...but my roommate talked me out of it. I'm concerned by the fact that many of the items placed on the table have random stains on them. I'm starting to wonder if the stains were there before, or if there is some mysterious Jizz Marauder who is just abusing the NeighborGoodies.

If that is the case, he clearly cleaned himself off with these towels...



...which were crunchy to the touch.


I also am confused by these tiny little washcloths...
...which, I think, are probably for babies. But I gotta say...if someone takes these for their children, they really ought to be ashamed of themselves--especially since they are raising their kids in this building.

Blood, Sweat and Tears

Up for grabs this morning (And all weekend long, actually) are these pair of torn CK jeans...

They clearly belonged to some actressy-type in the building, or perhaps a small child, for they are pretty much microscopic. The jeans, along with the next few items, have been sitting in the laundry room for days, which is quite surprising, considering the objects' level of quality:

For example, take this very hip beige vest. . .

I can't wrap my brain around why this piece of heaven is still waiting for someone to claim it.

Oh wait..Maybe it's because right here, on the back. . .

...is a giant, gross lower back sweat stain!

I'm forced to wonder if whoever left this tried to wash it, and just left it down there when they discovered the stain wasn't coming out.

I'm also forced to wonder if whoever left this, also had the same thought process when leaving their white labcoats from Texas Tech School of Medicine. On first glance, these bright, white coats look brand new. . .

...aside from the BLOOD STAINS on them.

Hi, I live with murderers! And it's not the first time a killer walked these halls--The Hillside Strangler used to live here. Ahh! Everybody RUN!

On a side note, as it turns out, the whipping cream from the last post actually belonged to my roommate. He claims that he got it from work, and that it "smells like crap." Since it was taking up too much room, he placed it downstairs in the laundry room.

Ofcoursehedid.

I'm wondering if he left today's last item--a lovely purse/backpack combo.



It has three zipper compartments, perfect for holding onto your wallet, keys, glasses and any severed heads you might be carrying around.
Luxury Living in the Hollywood Hills, indeed.