Part of Your Complete Breakfast

Today we have everything you could possibly need to brighten up your morning. Some NeighborGooder was quite obviously cleaning out their Luxurious Hollywood Hills kitchen and disposed of essentials such as...

...the best selling "Joy of Cooking." Since its first printing in 1931 (!!) this book has found its way into just about everyone's kitchen. Well, everyone's except mine because I don't know how to cook. In fact, I don't know anything about anything in the kitchen, except how to eat. And make a mess. Those are the two things I do well. And while I do make a hell of a Banana Surprise and a decent bowl of cereal, there is no Joy in Cooking for me. I could even toast a bagel if I really put my mind to it... but they always get so stale! What's a boy to do?

Oh, I know! A Bagel Jar™!


I've never seen a container like this, so I'm happy that it is very clearly labeled. I don't say this very often in connection with items on the Big Blue Table, but these two items might actually be of use to someone. A recipe book and a relatively clean-looking storage container for your delicious bagels really aren't so bad, compared to what's usually in the laundry room. Hey, if they weren't sitting on a table that was crawling with infectious diseases, I might even advocate taking these things.

Even this 1960's era percolator isn't so bad, really:

I mean, I'd certainly never drink anything out of it (Remember The Golden Rule: We Must Never Consume Anything from the NeighborGoodies Table!) but it'd be a cool decorative piece.

Even if, for some reason, you did want to drink out of it, I'm not sure if you could:

I don't know what the insides of a percolator is supposed to look like, but I'm pretty sure this is not it:

Or maybe it is. I don't know crap about Hippie-era technology.
But one thing I do know: That 40 year old percolator is in WAY better condition than this ultra-modern pile of filth:
Let me give you a closer look at this thing:



As you can see, this is a whole new level of disgustingness, even for the NeighborGoodies Table.
I can't help but wonder if this was left by the same guy who dropped off the nasty water purifier not too long ago.


Like I said, I don't know anything about kitchens, but I do know that this level of grime doesn't just happen. This was done out of spite. This has to be the result of some sort of argument between roommates over who does the dishes or who cleans the bathroom or who drank who's Yoo-hoo. It's as if they were using actual pieces of earth instead of coffee grounds to make their morning beverage. And while dirt is chock full of minerals, I think I'll stick with my Cheerios instead.

I joke about this a lot, but this time I mean it: If anyone tried to use this thing, they could ACTUALLY die. And not a fake comedy death... they would be, you know DEAD dead! And this was IN someone's apartment... for a LONG, LONG time by the looks of it.

And this is why we don't go to the Neighbors' places for brunch here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills.

What's on TV?

This may come as a shock to you, but I was not a normal kid. Growing up, I sounded like a record: "What show is this?" "What are you watching?" "What else is on?"

I must have asked these questions and others exactly like them ten thousand times before the age of nine. I was obsessed with television as a child, and now, as an adult (at least in age), I am paid to make sure there is always an answer to those questions. (The answer, of course, being "Reality Shows.")

But one NeighborGoodie has provided me with a completely different answer to the age-old "What's on TV" question:


Apparently, 30 years of dust, dirt and grime from the home of someone who hasn't turned on a television since The Carol Burnett Show went off the air is What's on TV...at least, that's what's on the TV in one Luxurious Apartment in the Hollywood Hills.

Mop N Glow

My lovely sister and I were in this hell hole building Luxurious Apartment Building in the Hollywood Hills, and and we saw a Neighbor step on to the elevator holding this:


After expressing surprise that the elevators were even working, my sister said "that's gonna wind up on that table. . ." And sure enough, when walked down into the laundry room later that day, there it was, in all its filthy, moppy glory.


Later, when I came back to snap some photos, there were a bunch of new NeighborGoodies on the table, along with a terrible odor. This isn't really that unusual, considering the filth that plagues the apartments here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills, but this time, it was different... it seemed almost. . . mean!

I knew it wasn't the mop, because it didn't smell bad before. Plus, mops, no matter how good they claim to be at removing tough stains, aren't often used to clean up the scents of death and desperation, so they are unlikely to absorb it.

I also ruled out the used spaghetti strainer. . .

. . .as this somehow looks to be the cleanest thing that's been on the table in quite some time.
Of course...there's a pretty good chance it was cleaned using that mop, so I wouldn't go using it during your dinner parties quite yet.

I also wouldn't recommend using this:


. . .an old-school microwave oven, that is about the size of a standard television, and is clearly leaking radiation whenever it is in use. Possibly even when it isn't in use. I knew this had to be the culprit. Something awful was waiting inside of the Microwave. . .something heinous. . .and possibly severed & bloody.

I slowly opened the microwave. . .


. . .and discovered that, as strong as the odor was in the NeighborGoodies Laundry Room, it was fifteen times as strong inside of the microwave chamber.

These stains are all that is left of whatever was in there...but the laundry room quickly filled with the acrid odor of Hot Pockets, gas station burritos, and what may or may not be burnt flesh--likely from the radiation poisoning the previous owner has suffered. All of these olfactory offenses immediately clung to my clothes, which I'm seriously considering donating to the NeighborGoodies cause.

The lesson here is: Don't open up discarded microwaves. And that's. . . one to grow on.

NeighborGrillies

I am definitely not thrilled with the amount of food-related NeighborGoodies that have been left behind lately. No one wants to eat your used Baby Formula and no one wants to cook their food in your used... anything!

This dirty-assed Electric Grill is no exception:

It looks as if this thing was in the middle of a construction site feeding fat dirty guys for four months before being relegated to the NeighborGoodies Warehouse.



Luckily, it is was paired with this vacuum cleaner. . .


. . .which includes handy attachments to suck up the dust, dirt and grime from your new grill.

Now all you need is someone to do the cooking and cleaning for you, and you've got yourself a pretty successful household!

Toast of the Town

Recently, a surprisingly high percentage of NeighborGoodies seem to be coming from kitchens and bathrooms here in this Luxurious Hollywood Hills complex. Personally, I like knowing that what I have in my bathroom and in my kitchen wasn't in someone else's bathroom or kitchen at any point in their history. I just don't want anyone's used bathroom anything--and likewise for the kitchen.

Especially when said kitchen item is directly involved with Food Preparation:



No one ever gets a new toaster until you absolutely need it. And you know when you absolutely need it because when a toaster breaks, it really breaks. So, I can only assume that this toaster is very, very broken, and likely of no real use to anyone, unless you're taking it into the bathtub.

Growing up, my parents had a toaster that used to shoot sparks out of it. This was normal to me, and I just assumed the sparks were cooking the toast. I remember my dad always having to stick a knife in the toaster in order to get the bread out of it, once it had been charred beyond recognition. (A golden brown piece of toast wasn't ever really an option until the arrival of a new toaster that showed up when I was in 3rd or 4th grade. . .)

Anyway, by the time our first toaster retired, it looked kind of like this--covered in rust and pieces of burnt bread:


NeighborGoodies Central smelled like a bad mix of bleach and burnt rye bread this weekend because of this beast. I took it upon myself to inspect the little crumb drawer--which, in many cases, is the source of such odors:

I'd say there's at least six months' worth of toaster crumbs in there. It's practically a meal!
Just slap some eggs on it and you'll be in heaven!

Of course, the most disturbing part of this NeighborGoodie is that it disappeared within a matter of hours, leaving only a small pile of crumbs behind in its place. So someone in my building thought: "Ooh, used cookery!" and took it home. Once again, here's the reason I don't eat at any of the neighbors' places. Of course, no one's invited me...but if they dared to, I'd still say no. Because ewww.

...At least you can rest assured knowing that no one has taken the Bathroom Goodies from late last week. Apparently, even the scavengers in this building have their limits. So I guess the lesson really is, you can use their bathrooms, but don't take a snack from anyone in the building.