An Early Christmas NeighborGoodies Prayer

Dear Baby Jesus,

Please....PLEASE... let this just be a nose hair trimmer:

...because if it's not, I don't even want to think about where it's been. Come to think of it, even if it's just a nose-hair trimmer, I don't even want to think about where it's been.

Amen.

PS: Why did you make the NeighborGoodies Table the nexus to hell?

Pity The Fools

OK, OK, so maybe I'm not getting forcibly removed from my Life of Luxury as reported yesterday, April 1: The Day of the Fool. And maybe no one really threatened to "beat me into a diabetic coma." And perhaps nobody is actually throwing eggs and/or feces at me (although I'm pretty sure it's only a matter of time before that one actually happens to me...)

I apologize if my lies have harmed you because, as I'm sure we all know, lying is immoral, and I shall repent immediately:


Reading Morality for Beautiful Girls seems like a good start. Sure, I'm not a beautiful girl, but I'm sure the major principals are the same. Although whoever left this book on the NeighborGoodies clearly didn't read the chapter about not leaving your unwashed unmentionables lying around...


Harlot.

Oh, by the way...did I mention NeighborGoodies is on Twitter now? Go check it out! But, for the love of all that is holy, please try keep your underwear on.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil

Over the weekend, someone dropped off a gigantic (albeit very dusty) speaker:

This wood paneled item looks more like furniture than a speaker, and seems as though it was pulled from a log cabin some time in the mid 80's. I could find no brand name identifier on this behemoth, but I think we can all agree that it must be a quality product, since it is so big and so dusty. Plus, there is only one speaker--which no doubt means crystal clear quality mono sound for all of your LP's and 8-Tracks! Since bigger is always better, there's no need for two speakers when just a massive one will suffice... Especially when listening to this:

This CD single caught my eye initially because, well, it's in the shape of a giant condom:

It even proclaims to be able to reduce the risk of HIV infection and many other sexually transmitted diseases, which is generally the opposite of what music normally does. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten ear-aids™ from listening to dirty pop.

There's no official video for this song, but I did manage to find someone playing the track over an image of the CD (on a red NeighborGoodies-like table, no less!):

Not only is it a pretty decent song that sounds great (although not as good as it would on that speaker up there, obviously) but it can also prevent STDs! What more could you want out of a CD?

Oh, I know... How about a cure for your blindness?

This "Natural Vision Improvement Kit" comes with not one, but two CDs aimed at eradicating any need for glasses or contact lenses. The kit also includes two eye charts, a 90 page guidebook and, according to a website called soundstrue.com, 13 "illustratred" practice cards! Clearly this eye improvement kit does nothing to help you spell.

The kit was invented by Meir Schneider, founder of the School for Self-Healing. According to his bio, Meir was born without eyes, or some such nonsense. After some surgeries which left his eyeballs "shattered" (ouch!) doctors said he'd never see anything ever! Ever! But then, at the tender age of 17, with nothing else to do but be post-pubescent, cranky and blind, he decided to practice a bunch of eyeball exercises and blam! Not only can he see, but he can now see well enough to hold a California drivers license:

I couldn't uncover anyone on the internet who has actually used this method, which could mean one of three things:

A: They tried this thing, went completely blind and couldn't figure out how to post a complaint about it.

B: They tried it; it worked and no one posted about how wonderful it was because, well, no one wants to write if there's nothing to complain about. (Or is that just me?)

C: They purchased this item, realized that they'd actually have to do some super-intense eye training, and got lazy about it.

This last thing is almost certainly what happened here in my building. I can pretty much guarantee that someone got this kit and was entirely too lazy to actually go through with it with the program. They eventually decided to dump it onto the NeighborGoodies table along with the dusty speaker.

I'm no doctor, but I imagine removing the 30 year old dust from their apartment has already improved his or her eyesight by 15 - 20 %. What a bunch of filthy blind animals.

Thou Shalt Not Steal

People steal things from hotels all the time. In fact, they want you to take many of these items: The shampoos, the pads of paper, the pens all bearing the hotel's logo... It makes sense to take some of these items. After all, who couldn't use an extra pen while traveling? Of course, I would never take any of these things for the same reason I don't want anything off the NeighborGoodies table: Who knows what sort of filthy animal was handling it before you? It's bad enough I have to see the crazies who leave things on the Big Blue Table. I can't help but believe that the the unseen, unwashed masses who were in my hotel room before me are even worse.

Which is why I'm disturbed that someone, somewhere--especially in a place as luxurious as the Hollywood Hills--would ever think it's a good idea to take one of these from a hotel:

This rubber no-slip mat that magically prevents you from killing yourself by slipping in the shower is one of the filthiest things (but not THE filthiest) that has ever found its way down to the NeighborGoodies Table. For the love of God, all the dirt, grime and disease that was on anyone before they jumped in the shower passes over this item on its way to the drain. People, please be aware, these things are not brand new when you step on them, and there's no way to tell how many people were on this thing before you, or what was oozing out of them at the time.

Now to the case at hand: Not only was someone disgusting enough to take this thing out of their hotel, pack in their suitcase next to their clothes and bring it home... This person then used it, realized that it was annoying and possibly a biological threat, then discarded it not into the fiery inferno that would destroy its germs, but into our laundry room where just anyone could take it.


This is likely the same type of person who takes the dirty-ass towels from hotels as well, despite the fact they feel like sandpaper and they often make you bleed when you use them. To hell with those towels, and to the hotels who think they are fooling us into believing that those filthy items are anything more than rusty razor blades sewn together.

And, most importantly, to hell with the NeighborGooder who thinks any of us want this rubber piece of Athlete's Foot.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday (Or: A Bloody Good Time)

This is, by far, absolutely the most disgusting entry you will ever see on this blog.

It is so disgusting, in fact, that I am posting it on a Sunday afternoon in the hopes that no one will actually read it.

If you are squeamish, maybe you can go read some of the lighter fare on this very blog--perhaps catch up on some of the older posts you may have missed, like the one about the Mormon Flicks, or any of the posts about the Art people leave. Who doesn't love art??

You could even swing by the NeighborGoodies MySpace page or even the Fan Page on Facebook!

There are also plenty of other blogs you can read in the links section! I myself contribute to All Bitched Up sometimes. And there's always Found Magazine, because clearly we all love Things that We Found!

I'm serious. This NeighborGoodie is nas. tee.

Of course, if you absolutely must see the Most Vile NeighborGoodie Ever, then hold on tight.

********

Still here?

Well, don't say I didn't warn you.

I saw this the other day on the table, and didn't really pay much attention to it. Sometimes clothes wind up on the Table which clearly were accidentally left in a dryer after a laundry cycle. Usually these items consist of single socks or washcloths... and, every now and again, some women's delicates (although that term has no business here.)

Such items don't usually warrant a post, as they are gone within a few hours, and weren't actually left by someone for NeighborGoodies Purposes. But I was talking to a Neighbor this week who asked, "Did you see the purple panties down there?"

Keep in mind, no one in the building knows about the blog... so I tried to play it cool: "Yeah, I saw them..." The Neighbor began to rant about how gross they were for a bit, and I didn't understand his ire until he used the phrase "Period Stained" to describe them.

I hadn't noticed any stainage on them, but as I said, I hadn't been paying much attention.

However, I did go to the NeighborGoodies Table later with my friend Keith and discovered (much to both our horrors) that my Neighbor was right.

Someone left a pair of panties down there, completely and utterly.... stained.

And if, for some reason, you absolutely must have a look at them, click here and here. Because I don't want to put the pictures up on the actual blog. But seriously--you don't want to see them.

Now you know why you should never take things from your local NeighborGoodies Table.

Free Drugs!

Let me start off by saying that I'm all for the Free Clinic. It's a great option for those people who don't have insurance, as well as for the dirty folks who need to secretly get tested and/or treated for various, umm, indiscretions they may have made in the boudoir.

I personally have never been inside of any of these Clinics that are all over LA, as I tend to think you get what you pay for. . .but, again, I understand their appeal.

What alarms me is the fact that someone in my building is such a frequent visitor to the Free Clinic, that they are on the mailing list to receive their annual report--and that they think donating it to the NeighborGoodies table is a good idea:


Lord only knows what sort of disease-ridden items have been left down on the NeighborGoodies table while this person was being treated at the Free Clinic. (Or, worse yet, what this person left before their treatment began!)

Either way, I have to go wash my fingers off. . .