Get A Life

There's been a lot of activity on the NeighborGoodies Table over the past week, and I apologize for not reporting such insanity to you sooner.

This flurry of Goodies is really no surprise; As people move in or out at the beginning/end of each month, the unwanted items that don't fit in with their new homes often get Left Behind.

I took this photo last weekend, while I was doing laundry:

By the time my laundry was done... the sheer amount of crap on this table had more than doubled:
In fact, for the first time in NeighborGoodies History, there were so many Goodies on the Big Blue Table, items began to spill out into the hallway adjacent to the Laundry Room, creating a sort of NeighborGoodies Annex:

In another rare occurrence, I actually caught sight of the person leaving these items. He's lived down the hall from me for almost as long as I've lived in this building. The fact that we've never spoken probably comes as no surprise to you; As you may have guessed, I'm not exactly a people-person. Especially when the "people" in question are sweaty, murdery/killy types who look kind of like Chris Elliot.

As the afternoon progressed, he would pop down with electronics...

...or clothes....

...or cleaning supplies...
...or other insane miscellany...
...all clearly in an effort to not have to transport any of these items to wherever the hell he's moving to. Because some of these items are pretty useful--excluding the duck literature, of course--I'm going to go ahead and assume that he has joined a cult and has been encouraged to move into their compound, where he has no need for DVD players, clothing or duck trivia. I mean, we do have several famously terrifying cults nearby in these luxurious Hollywood Hills who would just love to consume another soul. Why else would one leave behind a book like this:

Judging this book purely by its cover, one can only assume that "Pursuing Windows of Opportunity and Change" is some sort of cult manual designed to brainwash you into leaving behind all your worldly possessions...



...and joining their team of mind abusers. Need more proof? Read on, dear...uhh, reader.

These cults prey on the lonely, the confused, the abandoned. They isolate you from your family, friends, and money. Obviously, anything of any religious significance has no room in these cults...
...and because they lure their victims away from their social circle, you don't hear a lot about cult members making or decorating cakes....

...or about serving coffee with that cake...
...or playing board games while eating that delicious cake and drinking coffee...
...so clearly, my theory must be 100% correct.

My former neighbor, the Killy Chris Elliot has finally gotten a life... probably on some compound. But I'm sure he'll be back soon enough to harvest some more souls. Luckily, he was stupid enough to leave behind a weapon for me to protect myself:
After all: toy that could potentially blind you, yet is marketed to children by naming it after their grandfather, is an invaluable tool in fighting the cults and killers that roam the around the increasingly Dangerous (but still no less luxurious) Hollywood Hills.

Ring Around the Scholar

Oh! Well, hello there, and welcome Back to NeighborGoodies! Did you miss us? Of course you did!

Sorry for unannounced break, but I've been verybusy throwing fruit at people (Please see BananaSurprise for details!) and traveling everywhere (Please see the Country Fried Road Trip for details!)

And just this past weekend, I was in Chicago at my friend Jeff's wedding who, as it turns out, had told every single person he's ever met about this blog--which is why we're huge in the Midwest. So: Congratulations on your wedding, Jeff, and thanks for forcing your friends, family and co-workers into The NeighborGoodies FanBase!

And now: Back to your irregularly scheduled NeighborGoodies!

Since it’s back to school season, I feel it’s best to start off with something for our student-readers. I'm happy to offer some excellent items that can help you make a good first impression on your new classmates! As you know, any good student needs lots of books--Luckily, someone was kind enough to donate twelve of them...


…sure, they're phone books, but they’re chock full of information for you to memorize! These books are a great way to get to know your fellow classmates. For example, when you take these out in your lecture hall, people will surely encircle you and ask you things like, "Why are you carrying phone books," "What's wrong with you," and "Why are we even still making phone books?"

The people who ask this last question are the ones you want to keep around: They are clearly the smartest and most critical thinkers in your class. If no one asks any of these questions, perhaps you should reconsider your choice of schools, as you are surrounded by people who aren't taking an interest in their surroundings. If it's too late to change schools, you could just start calling the numbers out of these books to find someone smart enough to not want to talk to you, and then insist on being their friend.

But as every student knows, learning is more than just books--it's life! And you can't live life naked, so I think some new duds are in order. Nothing can re-invent you better than these handsome and dusty cherry-brown shoes...

...or this very snazzy button-down shirt...

...with a giant, nasty stain around its collar:

I always thought Ring Around the Collar was something that only happened in TV commercials during the 70's & 80's... I had no idea it is still a real--and totally disgusting--phenomenon.

But no one ever said being popular was easy: Do you think NeighborGoodies is so well-loved because of our cleanliness? Do you think we're popular because we have a Twitter and a Facebook page? Do you think people care about us because we make it super-easy to subscribe to NeighborGoodies by email to get each episode delivered directly your inbox?

No. We're popular because people apparently like filth and determination! And nothing says, "I exude confidence (and acid-based neck-sweat!)" quite like deep, fuming stains on your shirts.

So go, young students! Go off and proudly display your Yellow Pages and your Yellow Stains--and Let Your Fingers Do The Walking! (But not in those dusty shoes... They'll never fit.)

Worn Out

This shirt...

...has been on the NeighborGoodies Table for a couple of days now and I haven't been able to write about it, mainly because it sort of shuts my brain down when I look at it.

The gun, the strange letters (The "И" is a major problem for me) and the phrase "Boom Goes The Dynamite" (which, by the way, you can read about here) are combined here in such a way, that my brain can't comprehend it. It's as if I'm being Tazed... My mind is just shutting down, and I don't know why.

It's all so confusing... what are those round things supposed to be? Are they Coins? Buttons? Targets? And whose autograph is that reprinted in yellow towards the bottom? Why would anyone sign this? WHAT IS THIS THING? What's it for?????

Fuck this shirt, and fuck whoever left it.

I need a nap.

Battle of the Lexus

The third and final post from the now-weeks-old Pile of Crazy:

Clearly the person who left this stuff behind...

...had a somewhat rough relationship with his car. After years of faithful service, the car likely started breaking down--and breaking his heart. Finally, after years of tinkering with the engine himself, he was forced to get rid of it and move on, suddenly leaving him with a pile of stuff that can only accumulate in a car's trunk over the years--which is often much like the items that accumulate on the Big Blue Table itself.

Few things scream "I Just Got A New Car" more than a pile of cassette tapes:


Especially ones from Black Sabbath, ZZ Top and Metallica... along with several mix tapes that were made over the years which, no doubt, include some Def Leppard, Warrant and, for some reason, Nelson.

In addition to the cassettes, this person also finally got rid of several other old and useless items that were popular in the midwest in the 90's.


Items such as The Club (Slogan: "Use It!") and an ice scraper, which has little-to-no-use here in sunny southern California indicating that this car hadn't been cleaned out since before its owner drove it to live in luxury in the Hollywood Hills.

Its tumultuous relationship with its owner is also indicated by the presence of a bicycle seat...

...which means the driver often had to pedal to or from work when the car decided to break down.

I'm not 100% sure where these wooly socks and shorts fit in:

but I guarantee you they probably were last used around the time of the ice scraper... and these blue Christmas icicle lights:

Because nothing says "broken down car" like icicle lights and a club.

In other news, I'm still jet-laggy, so I apologize for the rambly nature of these recent posts. Next week, I swear I'll be better. Maybe even funny. But I'm not promising anything.

If The Whore-Clothes Fit...

After a solid week of guesses, I am proud to announce that the First NeighborGoodies Contest is officially over, and now we can all move on with our lives. Find out who won after I tell you about these NeighborGoodies!

Over the weekend, a Whore NeighborGooder dropped off a bunch of her clothes, many of them plaid...
...or otherwise hideous:
From those piles, you can't really tell that she's a whore. But trust me, she is. Look at this under-sized Coca Cola T-shirt depicting Atlanta:

There's also this tiny tee...
...telling us she feels she is a TKO: Total Knock Out. And then there are these teeensy weensy itty bitty shorts....

...which are clearly designed to expose the wearer's hoo-ha.

I know, I know... I can hear you all saying, "These tiny articles of clothing alone do not make her a whore!" Maybe not. But this does:

A stripper shirt from the Sapphire Gentlemen's Club--the Largest Strip Club IN THE WORLD--located, of course, in Las Vegas. The LA Times describes it as "71,000 Square Feet of Nakedity," and tells of glass-bottomed floors that the "gentlemen" can stand beneath in order to see the girls dance above them. I hope for their sake that none of the dancers are wearing these panties:

...which, for some reason, are emblazoned with a Felix the Cat logo at the waistband.

This outfit seems like a terrible combination. Granted, I'm not exactly the target audience for female strippers, but this just cannot be sexy to anyone:

Can it?

The grossness factor is brought home by the fact that the NeighborGoodies Table has never looked so filthy. I shudder to think about how much vagina, ass and desperate man-juice is covering these items. You don't even need a blacklight to detect the nastiness here. Click on any of the photos above for a full-sized view of the stainery on the Big Blue Table.

Luckily,the prize in the Get the Goodie competition was taken off the table before any of these soiled garments showed up.

Now...let's finish up this effing contest once and for all!


First of all, thanks for making the first NeighborGoodies contest a success! While no one really got the item right... one person did come close enough to guessing what was inside of this box:


That person, known only as "Brian" from Allston, Massachusettes... wherever the hell that is.... guessed a "Sprite™ Radio." And, although I was quite clear in stating that the item was not Lymon-related, he did manage to guess the item itself correctly, even if the brand was off.

NeighborGoodies Enthusiasts, behold the item that is inside the Lemon/Lime box:

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A Garnier Fructis mini-radio that was FREE with the purchase of some of their Fortifying Shampoo!

Kind of a let-down, isn't it?

Anyway, congratulations Brian! You can expect to enjoy your lime green radio (for dry or damaged hair) along with your 98˚ autographed CD cover very soon!

Just be glad you're not getting Felix the Cat underwear.

Thanks to everyone who played! And remember, you didn't lose this contest... you just won less™.

Dress Your Man

First of all, I want to thank the folks over at Scrap Smack for giving NeighborGoodies a shout-out. Welcome, scrap-bookers! I hope you enjoy your stay here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills!

Now, on with the Goodies:

Today, we find a copy of "Dressing the Man You Love: A Woman's Guide to Purchasing, Coordinating and Caring for His Classic Wardrobe." I'm surprised the Big Blue Table didn't collapse under the weight of the title alone.

According to the website, this book is a "well-organized, non intimidating resource," and was written by Betsy Durkin Matthes, who had a role in a bunch of episodes of the 60's TV Series "Dark Shadows." Since then, she's become some sort of 'lyricist' and, I assume, a woman who obsessively nagged her husband about his wardrobe until he went insane and she wrote a book.

Judging only by what was accompanying the book on the NeighborGoodies Table, I'm a little unnerved by what Betsy might be suggesting you put on your put-upon husband:

Whoever had this book was clearly trying to get her husband to dress like a drag queen...

...often using items she found right here on The NeighborGoodies Table:

That turquoise terrycloth fiasco and those hot pink high heels once belonged to a girl named Samantha, who left them on the NeighborGoodies Table way back in April:



Just so we're all on the same page: These outfits were questionable at best when Samantha bought them new. After she wised up and abandoned them, they were claimed by another resident in the building, kept for eight months, then re-discarded. I wonder if Samantha ever saw her Turquoise Traveling Pants and Pink glass-sided hooker shoes wandering the halls of the apartment building again. And I wonder if they were on some poor guy whose wife started dressing him after reading Betsy's book.

Yeesh.

The only way it could be worse is if he was wearing those heels, those pants and....

...a "Get Crunk" tank top. I can just picture New-Samantha coming home one night completely crunked out of her head, taking off that tank top and placing it on her boyfriend while she sloppily slurs her way through a passage in Betsy's book.

Once Drunky passed out in a pile of clothes and vomit, her guy carefully grabbed what he could from beneath her, snuck downstairs and placed the items in question on the NeighborGoodies Table, starting with Betsy's book... figuring (correctly) that she'll never remember what went on that night. If he can keep her away from the laundry room for a couple of days until these items disappear again, he'll be home free! And if not... one of them will be homeless.

In conclusion: Never trust a former actor. Especially for fashion, marital or career advice.