Timely Travelers

Remember the year 2000? To me, it represented "The Future." I had big plans for The Future. We were going to have flying cars and jet packs! We were going to meet up with some aliens, and hang out on some new planets. And, best of all, we were going to have transporters, making our brand new, just-invented flying cars and jet packs obsolete!

OK, so maybe my plan wasn't very well thought out, but as a child of the 80's, that's what everyone was thinking.

Of course, as the Year 2000 got closer and closer and society in general realized that maybe that stuff wasn't going to happen, new predictions started to arise--mostly centering on the end of technology and, thus, the world. At the start of The Year 2000, the computers that ran our lives were going to explode, plunging us back into the dark ages. Phone systems were supposed to go down. And, of course, we'd all perish.

Those were the days.

Of course, 2000 seemed so far off for so long, and now, it's but a distant memory. But, thanks to the Power of NeighborGoodies, you can revisit those simpler, more irrational times by taking a trip to St. Tropez... Y2K style!!

This St. Tropez 2000 Plan Guide would have been a great gift ten years ago, but is probably a bit obsolete by now. But what a wonderful way to relive the year 2000 by taking a trip there using this guide! And, if I know my geography (and I think I do) you'll need a car to drive to St. Tropez, Y2k. But not just any car will do. You'll need one from that very special Turn-of-the-Millenium era. Perhaps, say, a Toyota Corolla from the year 2000...
...from Keyes Toyotaland!


Other than time travelers, who exactly, is this owner's manual going to help? No one wants this. If you have a 2000 Corolla, chances are you have the owner's manual. And if you don't, it's because you bought it from this asshead who took it out of his car and never put it back. Why? Why would he do that? Was he taking it home to study? Was it some light bathroom reading? And when he was done, was he just so impressed by the twists and turns of the plot that he felt the need to keep it out on the coffee table, proudly on display next to his candy dish and remote controls rather than return it to the glove box? I don't understand. It's not like it's a flying car.

In conclusion, fuck the year 2000. I want my transporter. And a jet pack to throw away.

Come Sail Away

It's been cold and rainy here in the luxurious Hollywood Hills for most of the past week. People in LA don't deal very well with any sort of non-sun weather. You can see it in their eyes--it's as if their minds shut down without the sun recharging them every morning. And it is during these times that predators try to take advantage, pouncing as soon as they get the chance.

For example, let's look at this pamphlet for what seems to be a fun, harmless activity that is clearly a front... for murder!

Kind readers, I present to you the appropriately titled Lure...
... Of The Sea. This professionally-printed-in-color-and-folded-in-half brochure, complete with Clipart™ brand sailboat on the cover, was compiled by the MSSC (The Marina Sunday Sailing Company) and contains all the information you'll need to convince you to go on sailing... on a Sunday.


The very first statement in this literature proclaims that the Marina Sunday Sailing Club is "the oldest sailing club in Marina Del Ray," which is interesting since nothing comes up when you Google it. And, as I've said before, anything that is UnGoogleable just has to be dangerous.

The rest of this flier reads as though it was crafted by a hypnotist:

"Imagine the wind against your cheek and the sound of waves slapping against the hull of your sturdy boat. You are at one with nature... The stresses of life are gone for now and you relax under the warm California sun for a tranquil day... "

The text is clearly designed to lull its reader into a state of calmness, tranquility... and mind control, allowing the captain of this boat to do with you as he pleases. Once your mind is at ease, the back of the brochure goes in for The Kill, in big giant red letters:

Ha! The "LURE" of the sea, indeed.

Luckily for you, my mind operates on a much higher plane, and I can see through such propaganda. Please, allow me to translate what this writer is really trying to say:

"Imagine getting into a boat with one of the nut-job NeighborGooders. Imagine a knife against your cheek and the sound of your skull slamming against the hull of the sturdy boat. You will be at one with nature when your carcass is dumped into the ocean and picked apart by passing seagulls... The stresses of your life--along with your actual life--are gone as you rot beneath the warm California sun on an otherwise tranquil day... JOIN US!"

As your travel agent, I'd advise against this trip.

Just another piece of Life-Saving advice from your friends here at NeighborGoodies!