The Nightmare After Christmas

It's shocking to me that a full month after the holiday, people in my building are still getting rid of their dead Christmas trees. Every few days since the beginning of the year, the elevators and halls get littered with the brownish/green remains of these ghosts of Christmas past, as they are dragged through the building and left on the curb outside.

Likewise, there's been lots of Holiday-Themed NeighborGoodies dragged onto the Big Blue Table since the Holidays have ended. Decorations so hideous, they are sure to ruin anyone's good cheer with swift, unholy vigor.

The following items, though not nearly as terrifying, are also pretty hideous in their own way:

These two stockings, one with a snowman, the other a reindeer, also feature items such as pink hearts and yellow stars. Frankly, I'm surprised there isn't a leprechaun on the back.

As awful as those stockings are, they are nothing compared to this Homemade Wicker Beast:

This hollow star-shaped horror is filled with Christmas balls, holly and, for some reason, acorns. Because nothing says Christmas like wicker-enclosed acorns. I've had nightmares where I'm stuck inside of contraptions just like this. Only instead of wicker, it's made of barbed wire. And instead of Christmas Balls, it's filled with demons. Weirdly, the holly and acorns are the same.

What on earth would possess someone to make such a thing? Were they looking for a holiday version of a Dream Catcher? Is this some sort of cursed object designed to prevent the Christmas Spirit from entering whoever dares hang this on their tree? Or does the maker simply love wicker and hate the holidays?

Whatever the reason, I believe their message was clear: "Bah, Humbug.... OR DIE!"

Luxury Giving: One Year Later

Before we get to the items, I just wanted to mention that today (well, I guess it was technically yesterday, but who the hell cares?) marks the one year anniversary of NeighborGoodies! Yes it's already been one year of sneaking around & taking photographs of my neighbors' discarded items, then secretly mocking them for the world to enjoy. And much like every other one-year-old, this blog will continue to babble on nonsensically and be filled with poop.

To celebrate this milestone, I invite you to be our friend on Myspace, be our Fan on Facebook, and/or to sign up for the email version of this blog in the box on the right, in order to get each and every new post delivered to directly your mailbox!

However, the best birthday gift of all would be for you to tell your friends! (Unless, of course, they Live in Luxury in the Hollywood Hills. In that case, let's just keep it between you and me!) Thanks for reading and, I assume, enjoying!

Today, the Post-Holiday-Dump continues for the Blog's Birthday! First up, we have this festive holiday place mat:
The image of Santa makes me feel as if he's posing for a headshot: He's got one leg up, he's leaning on his knee playfully, while holding his prop sack of toys. If he wasn't wearing mittens, I'd swear he'd be mock-shooting at you wryly with his fingers, while winking and making a clicking sound with his mouth as if to say, "*clack, clack!* Hey, fella! I'm fun! *clack!*"

Up next is the second-worst Christmas gift anyone could have gotten...
...a big sack of Premium Potting Mix. There's been a lot of crap on the NeighborGoodies Table in the past year, but I believe this is the first time an actual bag of crap has been left. I can just imagine the conversation: "Here, honey! Merry Christmas! Have some dirt!" If she was mad at that, imagine how much angrier she was when she received this:

Yes, that's right, ladies and gentlemen... Today on the NeighborGoodies table is a big bag of rocks:
Clearly, our out-of-work-actor-Santa ran out of coal on this leg of his trip and was forced to leave stones instead. Or perhaps this was someone's special passive-aggressive gift to their spouse, indicating that they Live in Luxury in a Glass House and should not be throwing stones. Of course, that probably ended in the gift-giver being jollily bludgeoned to Christmas-death by said bag of rocks.

Don't you just love the Holidays?

Year-End Blowout

Holy crap.

Apparently, there is a post-holiday surge that occurs on New Year's weekend on the NeighborGoodies Table. The amount of crap that has amassed on the Big Blue Table over the last few days is just ludicrous:


Frankly, I'm surprised the table didn't collapse under the weight of all these items. It'll take four thousand years to dig through this mess, so I'll just give you the highlights:

Inside of one of the white plastic trash bags is this pile of jolly uselessness:
Clearly, Santa's last stop before packing it up and moving back to the North Pole is the NeighborGoodies table, where drops off all of his undelivered items, such as leftover decorations...


...along with his beard, glasses...

...and trademark hat...
...complete with yellowing stains indicating just how hard he's been working through the holidays.

He also dropped off lots of unwanted gifts, like these royalty-themed books...

...which seem ROYALLY boring! There's also some non-royalty-themed books...

...which also fail to make me care. Santa also dropped off an open stack of tan paper...

...a terrifying faceless angel holding the kitty that sent her to heaven...

...this lovely lampshade and accompanying hot pink boa...
...a sack full of audio tapes...

...featuring such hits as "Renaissance Music for the Harp" and its follow-up smash "Irish Dance Tunes for All Harps: 50 Jigs, Reels, Hornpipes, and Airs!"And, of course, Christmas wouldn't be complete without a dual cassette tuner to play the cassettes on...
...and a basket to store them in.

There's already a pile of unwanted gifts amassing downstairs... And I will be happy to report on those tomorrow.

Happy Holidays!

Hope you and yours have a great holiday season!

Have a look at some of our seasonal fare from the past year here!

Ghost of Christmas Past

Today on the Big Blue Table, we have a teeny tiny light blue plastic belt. . .

...which would be perfect for anyone on your holiday list who has a size negative four waist. Luckily, there's also some wrapping paper to go along with it...

...which is the same crappy kid-drawn wrapping paper that appeared on NeighborGoodies six weeks ago:

This rerun, of course, means someone took them off the table for six weeks with the intention of using these hideous pieces of holiday cheer and realized one of three things:

1. They didn't have enough money to buy anyone presents this year.
2. They've killed all of their loved ones (possibly with a light blue plastic belt. Which, I believe, the Hillside Strangler used when he lived in this very building.) Or:
3. Maybe, just maybe, they came to their senses and decided that a little Holiday Racism maybe wasn't the way to go.

Of course, you can read my full analysis of the wrapping paper here. In the comments section from that day, "Anonymous" wrote:

I like that your theme song was written by Wrapping Paper and your blog post was about Wrapping Paper. Hehe. Also, it helps that I'm really drunk right now.

Right you are, Anonymous! The NeighborGoodies theme song (always available right at the top of this blog!) is indeed by Wrapping Paper! And right you are again, Anonymous, by pointing out that it helps to be really drunk when reading this blog and/or listening to that song! I highly recommend it.

*hic*

No Thanks.

Hi! I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving! I certainly had a blast, but I can't say the same for some NeighborGooders who seem to have spent the last few days trying to eliminate all memories of the weekend.

Holidays are always stressful no matter what--especially if you have guests in town--so it doesn't seem all that strange to me that immediately after a Big Holiday Meal, someone unceremoniously dumped their plates, their pots. . .

. . .and their silverware onto the NeighborGoodies Table...

...almost, it seems, in an effort to ensure that no one can ever come to their Luxurious Home in the Hollywood Hills for a holiday meal again. Based on the overwhelming circumstantial evidence, I believe I can piece together what occurred on this Thanksgiving in the Hollywood Hills--and it isn't pretty.

Along with your unwanted house guests, the presence of a scale is almost certainly unwelcome during the holiday season. Especially if, for example, said guest is your cranky mother-in-law who constantly needles you about your weight.

With the economic crisis, coupled with the stress of the holidays and a case or two of red wine; one little comment too many and suddenly BLAM! You've got a Thanksgiving Double Homicide on your hands.

One moment you're picking off the last of the turkey and the next, one of your house guests is being carved up with an ass full of stuffing while another is being pureed into a Hate Pie with this lovely blender:

If you look closely, I think you can see skin cells, hair follicles and signs of human struggle on the lid:


In an effort to sober the attacker and calm any survivors down, someone brews a pot of decaf...

...while trying to clear up any evidence of mashed-face potatoes, gran-berry sauce and screamed corn. And man-yams™. Because there are almost certainly some man-yams around when all is said and done.

Now calm, the chef-turned-Thanksgiving Killer insists on dumping the evidence--and any chance of another dinner party--onto the Big Blue NeighborGoodies table. Now, any would-be visitors would have no plates to eat from, no utensils to eat with, and no coffee to drink...


...and certainly no non-dairy creamer or coffee stirrers if they somehow sneak in with a cup of their own coffee. After all, our hosts certainly don't want a repeat of the Thanksgiving Day Massacre, which seems almost unavoidable with another set of holidays coming up.

On the other hand, I suppose all this stuff could be on the NeighborGoodies Table simply because someone moved out at the end of the month.

Either way, I wouldn't eat any leftovers from this building. Just in case.

Happy Holidaze

Greetings NeighborGoodies Enthusiasts! I'm back from my tropical vacation and ready to face the Laundry Room trash once again!

But first, I wanted to thank the kind folks over at Yard Sale Bloodbath for the extremely kind shout-out over the weekend. I’d like to welcome the new readers who sailed over here from the Blood Bath, and I hope you enjoy your stay! For those of you who haven't seen YSBB yet, I highly recommend it!

OK, now on to the NeighborGoodies! I went on a small holiday this weekend, so it’s only appropriate that I’ve found some holiday-themed items on The Big Blue Table.

Upon first glance, these three sheets of wrapping paper, all made by the “Save the Children Foundation," seem like timely and appropriate NeighborGoodies, since Christmas is a mere two months away. But let's take a closer look at these objects...

What’s unique about them is that the artists’ name and the title of the wrapping paper design is on each of the sheets. First up is 1997’s “My Angel” by Elizabeth, Age 8:

Elizabeth's generic "Happy Holidays" message is perfect for any December gift-giving fiasco you may have to endure. However, I do have one question about this drawing: What is the angel carrying?

She seems to be equipped with a wand of some sort—perhaps she’s using it to make those stars that are floating all around her. Or maybe it’s a Halo-er™--A magical stick which gives halos to those who deserve them. I suppose it could also be a Holy Magnifying Glass, used to solve any heavenly holiday mysteries that may arise during the season. That's my vote, since the simplest answers are usually correct.

Whatever the item, Elizabeth gets a solid "A" in my book!

Next up is “Antarctic Christmas” by Julia, Age 7:


This piece from the year 2000 features some festive looking presents along with some frigid penguins donning their gay apparel. Well, at least I think they’re penguins. This one could actually be a snowman, wearing a fake carrot nose and an ill-fitting jacket....

...and a bell.

Why is he wearing a bell? Is he a Christmas leper?

Julia, your message is confusing and your hatred of lepers is outdated at best. I don’t know how Save the Children ever put this yuletide travesty on a sheet of paper, to be perfectly honest.

C-.

Our last piece in the NeighborGoodies Museum of Art is this collection of multicultural kids is 1994's “Children of the World” by Laura, Age 14.


Despite its title, this piece does little to promote racial harmony. Aside from two African-American kids and this one quasi-offensively drawn Asian kid...

...most of the children depicted are white. But, to her credit, Laura does promote an unusually high tolerance for kids in overalls and berets:

...and isn't that really what Pre-Halloween Christmas is all about?