Forbidden Love

Over the weekend, love & romance filled the hearts of many people around the world for Valentine's Day. It was a time to cuddle with a loved one, have a romantic dinner, nibble on some chocolates perhaps... and most of all, to lose yourself within the undying love of your partner.

Except for those of us who are still alone. We got F'd. Again.

One NeighborGooder who has clearly been getting F'd over and over again on Valentine's Day, has finally decided to rid herself of the terrible gifts she's gotten over the years on this hopelessly idiotic holiday:

Although candles can be romantic in the proper context, the "Forbidden Fruit" candle-in-a-jar is really not the route to go when buying fire for your partner. Despite the label urging you to "Light a candle, create your own moments... often," the moments created by the stench of the Forbidden Fruit are often accompanied by dizziness, nausea and vomiting.

Or perhaps those are just side effects of this woman being roofied by her Valentine.

This woman was also presented with some fancy perfume to help spice things up:

The bottle looks cool, but no matter what I did to it, the genie wouldn't come out. Useless.

Also useless:
This pair of pink square earrings with some sort of... something drawn on them is really just the worst gift anyone could get on Valentine's Day; even if they were given in the 1980's when these things were somehow real items.

I really can't tell what the design is supposed to be. Are they birds? Some sort of music notes? Bagpipes? It's impossible to discern, mostly because I took a pretty crappy job of photographing these items. I was in a rush as I heard voices coming towards the Laundry Room, and I certainly don't want to be caught taking pictures of things on the Big Blue Table.

What would the neighbors think? I'm the one judging them, it can't be the other way around. It's unnatural.

Pot of Gold

They say at the end of a rainbow, you'll find a pot of gold. However, when the end of that rainbow is found at a big, blue table, you'll find treasures of a different sort. Treasures such as this astonishingly bland-looking book called, well, Rainbow's End by Irene Hannon:


The book was a free gift with something and is described on the cover as "A wholesome, tender romance novel." The absence of a shirtless man holding a half-naked woman on the cover gives this novel a distinct "Christian" feel, so I opened the cover to read a little bit about it, and Irene's bio and accompanying photo confirmed my suspicions:

This photo makes Irene look like a former nun, and the bio describes her books as "emotionally gripping" and tells us they feature "hope-filled endings that highlight the tremendous power of love and faith to transform lives."

I've never heard of a romance novel with a Christian edge, so I did a little more research on Irene. This bio uses the term "ecclesiastical" and describes her as wondering "if she is the only person in America who doesn't own a microwave!" Apparently, she doesn't live near a NeighborGoodies table, otherwise she'd have one.

I assume, since it's Christian, that the main character drives a station wagon, has lots of cats and doesn't actually sleep with anyone. She prefers, instead, to hold prayer groups, bake cookies and secretly pleasure herself before running to confession. Sounds like a real page-turner.

Also left behind is a little romance-novel mood-lighting:


This Cande-Lite brand candle, which smells like dust and sadness, provides the perfect compliment to read your Christian romance novel by! It's a match made in Heaven!

But I'd rather have a pot of gold.

Move Over, Father Dowling.

Someone is unloading an assload of mystery novels. But not just your standard workaday mystery novels! No, sir...they are, in fact. . .


. . .the Best Mysteries of All Time!


The book Above Suspicion bears the Best Mysteries moniker, and was written by Helen MacInnes in 1939. It is not to be confused with the movie of the same name, in which Christopher Reeves played a paralyzed cop. Oddly, that movie hit theaters six days before his infamous horse-riding accident. Coincidence. . .or one of the Best Mysteries of All Time? YOU decide.

Also bearing the mysterious seal of approval:


. . .A novel entitled Friday the Rabbi Slept Late.

Apparently this is the first in a series of Rabbi Mystery novels...the titles of which seem to beg for you to grab a child's toes as you rattle them off:

Saturday, The Rabbi Went Hungry.
Sunday, The Rabbi Stayed Home.
Monday, The Rabbi Took Off.
Tuesday, The Rabbi Saw Red.
Wednesday, The Rabbi Got Wet.
Thursday, The Rabbi Walked Out.
Next Friday, The Rabbi Went Wee-Wee-Wee-Wee All The Way Home!

Ok, I made that last one up, but the rest are real. It seems as though the Rabbi is getting crankier as the week goes on, and the rest of the books in the series indicate that things don't get easier for our Holy Detective Hero.

Having run out of weekdays, the Rabbi looks to the future and considers retirement in Someday, The Rabbi Will Leave. Yet another novel finds the good Rabbi swapping religious beliefs in a Freaky-Friday style romp with a Catholic Priest in One Fine Day, The Rabbi Bought a Cross.

The Final Pair of Rabbi books: The Day the Rabbi Resigned and The Day the Rabbi Left Town, indicate that being a Detective Rabbi isn't all its cracked up to be. No word on whether any of these titles made the Best Mysteries of All Time list.

The other books on the NeighborGoodies table don't bear the Best Mysteries Seal of approval and, therefore, are clearly inferior:

Patricia Cornwell's At Risk, which sounds like a Lifetime TV Movie. And. . .

. . .a collection of "Four Exciting Mysteries!" Two of which sound like they are porn. (I'll let you decide which ones.)

Also on the table is this. . .


At first, I thought it was a reading lamp. I wondered if one of my Neighbors had given up literacy altogether by surrendering both books and bedtime lighting to the Table. But then I realized that while this may look like a lamp, there is no electrical cord attached. Also...that thing on top isn't even a light bulb. It's just...a thing. So what could this object be? Some sort of solar powered enigma? A device from another planet? A Murder Weapon??

This, too, was shaping up to be one of the Best Mysteries of All Time! Using my own sleuthing techniques (proudly learned from growing up watching Scooby Doo) I found this tag on the bottom of the object:
This labels calls it "Crackled Glass" and judging from the crossed-out price, I'm guessing this was given as a gift to one of the NeighborGooders. I deduce that the object didn't ever make it to the recipient's apartment. We can also assume that whoever the Gifter was, is probably not welcome into the Giftee's home anymore. Really, the only unsolved mystery here is: Why the crap anyone would buy this thing in the first place? Especially as a present.