Cheese GREATer

Over the weekend, I found another box of books....

...this one including a NeighborGoodies Rerun--The ever-popular Christian Faux-Romance Novel Rainbow's End:


Rainbow's End was initially left on the Big Blue Table in July of 2008 (read the entry here!) and I'm pretty shocked by its return over a year later. The book isn't all that thick, so the idea that it took someone 14 months to read through this not-so-steamy pile, and then re-rid themselves of it boggles my mind.

Of course, as cheesy as Christian Romance Novels may be--none are as cheesy as this:

"Say Cheese" is an amazing pamphlet put out in 1977 by the Giant Food corporation--a supermarket chain mainly on the east coast of the United States. At its core, this booklet is nothing more than Cheese Propaganda.

There are little specks of grease and other foodstuffs all over it indicating that this person not only kept her cheese booklet around for 22 years--but she kept it proudly on display in her kitchen while she cooked. And who can blame her, really? It's quite a helpful item to have around!


The tone of the booklet is set right on the first page (Just above the giant-Swiss-Cheese-fonted "Cheese - What's in it for you?" chapter heading:

"If you find the cheese counter a little confusing, you're not alone. Cheese comes in many shapes, sizes and varieties. In this booklet, we'll be talking about the nutritional value of cheese, how to read a cheese label, and how to use and store cheese at home. We hope you find this information helpful."

So--they're here to help the hapless cheese consumer. But here's a spoiler: They never actually tell you "how to use" cheese at home. Nowhere in this booklet does it say "Put in mouth, chew." There are some (three) helpful recipes, but for some reason, those all call for cottage cheese--which, as far as I'm concerned, is the bastard cousin of 'real' cheese.

We're also treated to an in-depth, clinical explanation of the differences between Natural and Processed cheeses (the answer: Enzymes from animal stomachs!)

This page gives us some disturbing "cheese labeling pointers."


This is also the same page that tells us in no uncertain terms "American cheese is never a natural cheese." We are told "it is a blend of various cheeses including Cheddar, Colby and other cheese products."

If anyone out there knows what an "Other" cheese product is, please keep it to yourself. Also: the phrase "Cheese food" that appears on the label of the bottom product is almost enough to put me off cheese altogether.

Almost.

The booklet goes on to tell you what you should do if you're on a special diet to lower your fat intake, cholesterol or sodium.



Their advice? Read the labels to look for low fat, low cholesterol and low sodium cheeses. Thanks.

There's also a cheese composition table...



...a helpful section on whether or not your cheese is still good...



...and a cheese chart:


And there's much, much more. Yes--this is one of those NeighborGoodies that makes you shout to the heavens about how...GOUDA it is!

...

Ok, ok...sorry for the cheesy joke.

Anyway, this product is so full of awesomeness--I just couldn't resist giving you the opportunity to own it! Yes, for the first time in the History of NeighborGoodies: This item is for sale over at ebay.

Bid early, bid often! GO GO GO!

Ring Around the Scholar

Oh! Well, hello there, and welcome Back to NeighborGoodies! Did you miss us? Of course you did!

Sorry for unannounced break, but I've been verybusy throwing fruit at people (Please see BananaSurprise for details!) and traveling everywhere (Please see the Country Fried Road Trip for details!)

And just this past weekend, I was in Chicago at my friend Jeff's wedding who, as it turns out, had told every single person he's ever met about this blog--which is why we're huge in the Midwest. So: Congratulations on your wedding, Jeff, and thanks for forcing your friends, family and co-workers into The NeighborGoodies FanBase!

And now: Back to your irregularly scheduled NeighborGoodies!

Since it’s back to school season, I feel it’s best to start off with something for our student-readers. I'm happy to offer some excellent items that can help you make a good first impression on your new classmates! As you know, any good student needs lots of books--Luckily, someone was kind enough to donate twelve of them...


…sure, they're phone books, but they’re chock full of information for you to memorize! These books are a great way to get to know your fellow classmates. For example, when you take these out in your lecture hall, people will surely encircle you and ask you things like, "Why are you carrying phone books," "What's wrong with you," and "Why are we even still making phone books?"

The people who ask this last question are the ones you want to keep around: They are clearly the smartest and most critical thinkers in your class. If no one asks any of these questions, perhaps you should reconsider your choice of schools, as you are surrounded by people who aren't taking an interest in their surroundings. If it's too late to change schools, you could just start calling the numbers out of these books to find someone smart enough to not want to talk to you, and then insist on being their friend.

But as every student knows, learning is more than just books--it's life! And you can't live life naked, so I think some new duds are in order. Nothing can re-invent you better than these handsome and dusty cherry-brown shoes...

...or this very snazzy button-down shirt...

...with a giant, nasty stain around its collar:

I always thought Ring Around the Collar was something that only happened in TV commercials during the 70's & 80's... I had no idea it is still a real--and totally disgusting--phenomenon.

But no one ever said being popular was easy: Do you think NeighborGoodies is so well-loved because of our cleanliness? Do you think we're popular because we have a Twitter and a Facebook page? Do you think people care about us because we make it super-easy to subscribe to NeighborGoodies by email to get each episode delivered directly your inbox?

No. We're popular because people apparently like filth and determination! And nothing says, "I exude confidence (and acid-based neck-sweat!)" quite like deep, fuming stains on your shirts.

So go, young students! Go off and proudly display your Yellow Pages and your Yellow Stains--and Let Your Fingers Do The Walking! (But not in those dusty shoes... They'll never fit.)

Sad Sack

If you found a bag on the street, what would you do? There could be anything in there. A pile of cash... or a used baby! Of course, if you're like me, you'd think it was a bomb and you'd run as fast and as far as you could, hoping someone else will eventually deal with it before thousands are killed and/or injured.

But for some reason, when I find a bag on the NeighborGoodies table....
...I always--always--open it, even though I know it will be filled with some sort of unholy terror. This bag's terror is in the form of a teddy bear...

...who is clearly stuffed with sadness:

Have you ever seen a more pathetic looking toy? When you look into his eyes, you can almost see the tears welling up beneath his furry face. It's as though he just found out he has an inoperable teddy bear tumor, and instead of doling out the cash for his treatment, his owner chucked him into an oversized purse and put him onto the NeighborGoodies Table to rest in peace... or filth.

Also included in the oversized purse is this light blue sack of loveliness:
Of course, I can't help but look inside of this thing either, though I strongly suspect there's at least one eyeball inside of it. I reach in and pull out...


...some sort of material that curiously falls somewhere between wax paper and plastic bag. I'm not sure what the stuff is, or why it was inside. Was it to make it seem like the clutch was full of something besides sadness? Did the carrier want people to think she was walking around with wads of cash? Was this an accessory worn to a poorly-attended fundraiser intended to raise money for the tumor-bear's treatment?

Whatever the reason...I'm glad just glad it didn't explode. Although it would have finally put that poor bear out of its misery.

Not So Great Adventure

In the current economic climate, you can leave no stone unturned when looking for a job or, heck, even a new career! And today, some NeighborGooder wants to help you in your search for the right path with...

"Adventure Careers - Your Guide to Exciting Jobs, Uncommon Occupations & Extraordinary Experiences."

I feel like the person depositing this book has maybe suffered through a long series of terrible jobs, some with unreasonable and crazy bosses. Bosses who, for example, might give notes to change a project without ever laying eyes on it, despite the weeks and weeks of work you've done. I know, I know... it sounds ridiculous, but some people are insane.

So while a new career may be in order, I'm not sure what sort of "Adventure Careers" this book is trying to sell you on. After all, along with the book, I found this Cuervo Silver necklace...
...along with some creepy boas:


So while a new career in the world's oldest profession may seem like an adventure... I think I'll stick with my current career, as full of giant nightmares as it is. Cuz at least when I get screwed at work now, I don't need to see a doctor.

Hello, Pity

There are lots of people out there who are full of untapped promise... present company excluded of course. I mean, the mere fact that you are reading these words means you are living up to your maximum potential. Kudos to you!

For the rest of the idiots, there are books like this:

While I have not personally read The Guide to Confident Living, I can pretty much guarantee that its pages are filled with lessons such as "Believing in Yourself (Even When No One Else Will)" and "Grabbing That Tiger By The Tail!!"

I'm not saying these books don't have their place. The person who bought this book was probably in a really bad place--maybe they had just gone through a nasty divorce, or the loss of a loved one. Or maybe, just maybe, they had just endured a particularly soul-crushing job that left them a little stabby, and they needed some semblance of order in their lives.

One of the lessons that are in all of these books is "Visualizing and Organizing." Generally, this is the part of the book that says if you clean up the surroundings you can control, the rest of the world will somehow magically fall into place. I, for one, encourage that behavior--After all, that's probably the number one reason people dump these objects on the NeighborGoodies Table.

In an effort to get herself together, the gal who bought this book rushed out to Staples and grabbed a shit-ton of binders:


One important lesson from the NeighborGoodies Life-Improvement Seminar: Don't lose yourself while you improve yourself!™ Our heroine made sure to hold onto her quirky, fun personality by picking up some Hello Kitty stationary to fill her three-ring binder with:


She even enrolled in classes...
...and decorated her now-empty Consulting Skills Program notebook with a little froggy sticker...
...because how else will she "Hop" to success?

How did our heroine fare?

Well, according to the level of dust on the notebooks (as well as this calendar from 2006)...


...I think it's safe to assume that maybe she's still trying to Live Confidently in the Hollywood Hills.

So I guess the lesson here is to tell your dopey friends to come and read NeighborGoodies so that they, too, can experience their Maximum Potential! After all: If you hang out with idiots, then what does that make you?

The Bold Shoulder

Well, I guess it was just a matter of time before something like this happened. Someone left their body parts on the NeighborGoodies Table. And they're not even good body parts... they're shoulders:

OK, so they're not technically shoulders, but they are, in fact, original 1980's era shoulder-pads, as made popular by the casts of Dynasty...

...Designing Women...

...and RuPaul's Drag Race.
The 80's were a weird time for a lot of reasons, not the least of which were the giant-shouldered women who invaded office buildings across the nation. Their linebacker shaped upper-bodies were meant to represent power, gusto, suffrage. These were worn by women who were finally standing up for their rights against their sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical biggot bosses. In fact, these 1987 vintage canned shoulders were so popular...

...they were even available in kids' sizes!

The label calls them "A big kids look for little kids!" I, however, call them "A new reason for big kids to beat up your kids!" I could almost understand a little latchkey girl wearing these in the 80's, trying to be like her office-bee mom--but there is a boy on this can. A BOY WITH A SKATEBOARD... As if to say "Hey! This kid's cool because he has a skateboard... and he wears shoulder pads That means you'll be rad if you wear them!!" Look, I was about as dorky as you could get in the 80's, and not even I would go anywhere near these things. If I showed up to 8th grade wearing shoulder pads, I can guarantee you there's no way in hell I would have lived to even see recess.

I opened the cans to get a better look inside and was shocked to discover that shoulder pads smell really, really bad...

...although I suspect I wouldn't smell so great if I was locked in a can for 22 years or so. I was also surprised to learn that while the adult version of the shoulder pads are made a soft, silky material, the kids' version is nothing more than little bits of foam:

If you're confused about the logistics of these shoulder pads, the adult's can of shoulder conveniently features a woman sensually showing us how to apply our new pads:
Step 1: "Lift bra strap and gently slide the flap (or under-panel) beneath the strap. Adjust pad to edge of shoulder and position comfortably."

Step 2: "Look great and feel comfortable for the rest of the day."

You'll also notice that while the other cans are from 1987, this specific brand was purchased in 1996! I think I speak for everyone when I ask: What the hell for? Shoulders had definitely deflated to a more reasonable size as soon as Paula Poundstone pointed out how silly the trend was in 1990:

I can only imagine that the NeighborGooder who owned these had been hooked on shoulder pads since her childhood in the 80's--remaining loyal to the Stay-Put brand for as long as she could until they went under due to shifting trends in fashion. Not content with trimming down her shoulders, our heroine was forced to switch over to The Perfect Pad:
...who were, for reasons unknown, still manufacturing the Ultimate Shoulder Pad at least through the mid-90's. I'd like to think that finally, in 2009, this woman gave up these shoulder pads willingly. However, I think we all know that her addiction likely got the best of her, and her spine was crushed under the weight of these foam pads. And because of her stubborn and repeated refusals to get help for her problem, her family has no shoulder to cry upon.

Light Club

Nothing lights up a room quite like a lamp... figuratively and literally, of course. A good lamp can take a room to the next level. And then there are lamps like this:

I think I speak for everyone when I say this monstrosity is perhaps best enjoyed in the darkness--especially when you consider the lampshade that is on the Big Blue Table with it:

I actually like this lampshade, to be honest, but the fugly factor when the two items are combined is enough to make anyone wish they were blind:

Now I'm no decorator, but just because both of these items could technically be described as "floral" doesn't mean they were meant to be together. If faced with the option of illuminating my Luxurious Hollywood Hills apartment with this lamp/lampshade combo or with, say, a dozen or so glowsticks...


...well, I guess the only thing to say is "Bring on the Rave!" Sure, my apartment would be filled with people on ecstasy trying to lick each other and my furniture... but at least I'd save on electricity!

It just blows my mind that some strung-out raver in the building actually bought their "Lightning Rods!" in bulk. I love the idea of a drug-fueled shopping binge at Costco, with carts full of lollipops, whistles and glow-sticks. I guess it's true what they say: "You Can't Spell 'Value' without E."