Ottoman Empire

I saw this small, hideous ottoman on the floor beneath the NeighborGoodies table. . .

. . .and decided that I wanted to put it on the table in order to get a better look at it and take its picture. I wanted to get some cool shots of the ornate design on the ottoman itself, not to mention the hideous fabric. However, when I tried to move this beast, I discovered that it is the single heaviest piece of furniture on the entire planet.

It's just stunning. It must have taken at least two people to move this beast down to the NeighborGoodies Laundry Room, and they both likely collapsed before they were able to place it on the table itself. It was left on the floor as everyone involved was carted off to the hospital to be treated for hernias, exhaustion and terrible taste in furniture.

Fortunately, only one of them fractured their skull on the NeighborGoodies floor upon impact, as the other one landed softly on this equally hideous pillow. . .


. . .which, as the color scheme suggests, looks like it was taken directly from the set of Miami Vice. . .Then kicked around and chewed up for 25 years. Just like me! Wait... what. . .?

Pot of Gold

They say at the end of a rainbow, you'll find a pot of gold. However, when the end of that rainbow is found at a big, blue table, you'll find treasures of a different sort. Treasures such as this astonishingly bland-looking book called, well, Rainbow's End by Irene Hannon:


The book was a free gift with something and is described on the cover as "A wholesome, tender romance novel." The absence of a shirtless man holding a half-naked woman on the cover gives this novel a distinct "Christian" feel, so I opened the cover to read a little bit about it, and Irene's bio and accompanying photo confirmed my suspicions:

This photo makes Irene look like a former nun, and the bio describes her books as "emotionally gripping" and tells us they feature "hope-filled endings that highlight the tremendous power of love and faith to transform lives."

I've never heard of a romance novel with a Christian edge, so I did a little more research on Irene. This bio uses the term "ecclesiastical" and describes her as wondering "if she is the only person in America who doesn't own a microwave!" Apparently, she doesn't live near a NeighborGoodies table, otherwise she'd have one.

I assume, since it's Christian, that the main character drives a station wagon, has lots of cats and doesn't actually sleep with anyone. She prefers, instead, to hold prayer groups, bake cookies and secretly pleasure herself before running to confession. Sounds like a real page-turner.

Also left behind is a little romance-novel mood-lighting:


This Cande-Lite brand candle, which smells like dust and sadness, provides the perfect compliment to read your Christian romance novel by! It's a match made in Heaven!

But I'd rather have a pot of gold.

Correction Fluid

First off, let me take a moment to apologize and correct some errors that have been featured on the pages of NeigbhorGoodies. Last week, I mistakenly identified these Korean CEO Magazines as Japanese. . .


As my friend pointed out: "The guys on the cover are too fat to be Japanese." She's right, and I'm sorry.

And just last post, I couldn't figure out what the holes in this metal shelf were for:

My pal Kibble suggests that they are to hold candles, which was my initial thought as well. But then I realized that heating up metal with multiple open flames is probably a terrible idea, unless you plan on using the shelf as a weapon against intruders (or loved ones, for that matter. Who am I to judge?)

Anyway, I'm more inclined to believe Lucia Pamela, who thinks the holes are for potted plants.

So from now on, I plan on doing a little more research before I just post things willy-nilly, and I can absolutely guarantee that what you read from here on out will be dripping with triple-checked accuracy.

With that, I bring you today's NeighborGoodie, found on our big, brown table:


. . .an industrial-sized tub of generic Target-brand Typewriter Correction Fluid, for all your print needs! Instead of a clumsy, minuscule brush that takes forever to apply, this off-brand of Liquid Paper comes with an easy-to-use pump to correct all of your large-scale typographical errors! I'm told this is how the pros at Wikipedia fix their mistakes...in fact, I used a few squirts to fix the erros on this very blog!

Once again, I'd like to apologize for any inconvenience my earlier mistakes may have caused, and I vow to bring you nothing but facts on the filthy items left on the neon green NeighborGoodeeze table.

And I thank you for your patients.

Back to the Grind...

On my way to the gym, I saw these three items hanging out on the NeighborGoodies Table:

A metal shelf (which, for some reason, has holes in it), a trendy lamp, and a high-end coffee maker--with Grinder!

I forgot my camera and was late (ofcourseIwas) so I took this photo hastily with my cell phone, with the intention of taking proper portraits later if the objects were still there. (There's a veryquick turnaround on the NeighborGoodies Table. I'm just saying...)

When I arrived home again, I heard an eerie sound coming from NeighborGoodies Central. I walked in to find the room filled with thick steam, while the Sassy Russian Maintenance Man and his trusty sidekick, the Mustachioed Mexican Custodian tested the coffeemaker on top of one of the dryers. Usually, the Sassy Russian Guy just complains about having to clean off the NeighborGoodies table every day...I had no idea that he was part of a NeighborGoodies Quality Assurance Team!

I asked what was going on and the custodian loudly informed me (over the shrieking noise the coffeepot was emitting) that he was frustrated because it was not grinding any of his beans, and didn't seem to be working at all.

It's weird (and a little rude) that instead of throwing it out, the NeighborGooder simply left this broken piece of poo on the table for someone else to deal with. But what's doubly weird to me is that these guys just had coffee beans laying around, waiting to be ground...unless they were left in the coffeemaker as it was discarded, which is totally disgusting (and totally possible.)

As the Mustachioed Man tinkered with the coffeepot, it began to drip a little and he swelled with pride. His Sassy Russian counterpart wanted no part of these shenanigans and vowed to go to Starbucks as soon as he tossed out the useless hole-y shelf. I laughed to myself...then went to my office and promptly broke the coffee machine there. I found myself wishing I had stuck around for some NeighborGoodies Roast™ which, if I was lucky, could have killed me.

Get Rich Quick!

Living in Luxury takes lots of money. Luckily, one happy Luxury Liver has chosen to share his secret of success right here on the NeighborGoodies table:


Chances are, he or she has so much money from reading this book, that they ran out of room in their spacious apartment here in the Hollywood Hills. Having already made a fortune, their only option was to share their secret with some lucky burgeoning investor who happened to be doing laundry. If you're really serious about being as successful as someone living in this building, you'll want to get started right away. Luckily, there's a brand new (to you!) office chair set up at NeighborGoodies Central just for you:

This way, you can sit right down at the big blue table and figure out your financial future instantly, while your delicates are drying!

As I look at this photo, I'm reminded of when I first moved to Hollywood with nothing but a dream and about four cents to my name. When I first got here...I didn't even live in luxury! In fact, it took months before I could even find a real job. I eventually had to give up and find work through a temp agency, who were eager to place me somewhere "In the Industry!"

Apparently "The Industry" they were referring to wasn't Entertainment, as they immediately placed me at a company whose main function was to design offices. They took care of everything from lighting to furniture to cubical design. They had a room full of catalogs they referred to as "The Library," which featured endless photos of the different furniture available for your new office. My function, at $8 - 10/hour, was to reorganize this library by collecting the loose pages of these catalogs from the sales team and putting them back in order by object. In other words: I filed pictures of chairs.

These chairs were placed in different books based on their unique features. Features most humans don't even think about when considering office chairs. Features such as:

1. Do they have arms?

2. Do they have wheels? (And if so, how many? Chairs with four wheels were in one category, while chairs with five wheels were in a different category. Chairs with Five wheels and two arms were often very high end, while chairs with no wheels were in a different category altogether: Guest Chairs.)

3. What kind of fabric are the chairs made of? (Leather = good. Everything else = bad.)

4. Chair Color, to match any office décor!

5. Special Functions of the chairs (These included, but aren't limited to: How high you can raise the chair, whether or not the chair can lean back, does it vibrate, etc.)

When I worked there, filing pictures of furniture all day long, it didn't take me long to understand why some men go home and beat their wives. It was the single most soul-sucking experience of my life; and I've worked in Reality TV. I also don't think I need to tell you that the office chair available as a NeighborGoodie is pretty low-end, even with its five wheels. With no arms, no leather and a crooked back, it's certainly not a chair that someone who's investing in Mutual Funds would ever want around them. Because, according to the company I worked at, "Success is Where You Sit!™"

Turning Japanese

Apparently, someone from Japan is now living in luxury in the Hollywood hills. . .or maybe someone is simply obsessed with Japanese Culture:

Despite not reading or speaking Japanese, I assume that inside of Japanese CEO Magazine, you'll find interesting articles explaining how to become a successful CEO of your very own Japanese Business! According to this article, the secret to success seems to be all about what kind of tie you wear.

The Japanese are very innovative with their business-wear! But CEO Magazine isn't just about business. Whoever dropped off these magazines left one specific issue open to a page with pictures depicting the aftermath of the earthquake in China from May, along with this note:


Living in Earthquake country, these pictures do tell an astounding story of the devastation an earthquake can cause. I must note, however, that I'm confused by the NeighborGooder's choice of writing a note (with words) to tell us that these pictures need no words to tell us about the devastation.

Return of Carpet Madness

With the triumphant return of the elevators...comes the triumphant return of unwieldy and oversized Neighborgoodies!

Up for grabs today is this massive carpet, complete with what looks to be food, drink and cigar stains:


As filthy and stained as this carpet is...at least it's not from the bathroom, like the filthiest of all Neighborgoodies.

The unique design of this handsome carpet seems to be a cross between a chalk outline (drawn by a strokey chalk artist) and some sort of vein-like design. Perhaps it's a post-modern, artsy statement about the human condition--how food, drink and smoke impede the flow of your veins inside your body, as well as on your fancy carpet. Or perhaps it is an actual murder scene. It's hard to tell sometimes here in the Hollywood Hills.