Apparently, there is a post-holiday surge that occurs on New Year's weekend on the NeighborGoodies Table. The amount of crap that has amassed on the Big Blue Table over the last few days is just ludicrous:
Frankly, I'm surprised the table didn't collapse under the weight of all these items. It'll take four thousand years to dig through this mess, so I'll just give you the highlights:
Inside of one of the white plastic trash bags is this pile of jolly uselessness: Clearly, Santa's last stop before packing it up and moving back to the North Pole is the NeighborGoodies table, where drops off all of his undelivered items, such as leftover decorations...
...along with his beard, glasses...
...and trademark hat... ...complete with yellowing stains indicating just how hard he's been working through the holidays.
He also dropped off lots of unwanted gifts, like these royalty-themed books...
...which seem ROYALLY boring! There's also some non-royalty-themed books...
...which also fail to make me care. Santa also dropped off an open stack of tan paper...
...a terrifying faceless angel holding the kitty that sent her to heaven...
...this lovely lampshade and accompanying hot pink boa... ...a sack full of audio tapes... ...featuring such hits as "Renaissance Music for the Harp" and its follow-up smash "Irish Dance Tunes for All Harps: 50 Jigs, Reels, Hornpipes, and Airs!"And, of course, Christmas wouldn't be complete without a dual cassette tuner to play the cassettes on... ...and a basket to store them in.
There's already a pile of unwanted gifts amassing downstairs... And I will be happy to report on those tomorrow.
With 2009 commencing in mere hours, some polite NeighborGooder left this calendar on the Big Blue Table: It was printed to serve as a year-long advertisement for the Natalie Peruvian Seafood Restaurant, conveniently located near the Luxurious Hollywood Hills.
Beneath the lush view of Peru that adorns the top of this calendar is this woman: Judging by the giant orange & yellow lettering, I can only assume that the woman in the fancy dress standing by the Ricola Mountain is the Natalie in question.
I can understand why Natalie would want her smiling face on this calendar; it gives the restaurant more of a neighbory feel. What does confuse me, however, is the series of photographs lining the bottom of this calendar:
I can certainly understand wanting to highlight some of the finer dishes served at Natalie's Peruvian Seafood Restaurant...
...however, this seems to be showcasing some sort of chicken item, along with French fries, slices of avocado, and a urine-colored beverage. Not exactly seafood, but at least its presence makes a little sense, which is more than I can say for the rest of these featured images:
Unless they are a Peruvian delicacy, I fail to see what these puppies have to do with anything. And even if they are a popular Peruvian dish, once again, these animals are not seafood no matter how you prepare them, Natalie. Please take note.
Here, we’ve got another photo of, I guess, Peruvia... ...followed by this weird looking golden car with three headlights... ...which, of course, is parked on the beach.
Am I supposed to assume that this how their seafood is delivered fresh every day? They just drive this car right into the Peruvian Ocean and serve up whatever swims into the trunk?
Then there’s this image…. My geography sucks, but I know for a fact that this is a view from England's River Thames. I may only know this because I watched a lot of Benny Hill growing up, which featured this logo at the end of each episode...
...but I know it nonetheless. And although I'm no world-class traveler, I'm pretty sure that Peru ins’t in England. I’m also pretty sure I don't want to eat whatever the Golden Fishing Car caught in the River Thames.
Then there’s this holy item: I believe this is a rarely-depicted Toddler Jesus and a Mary holding ceramic tiled images of the crucifixion, which indicates not only some sort of time-travel capabilities you never hear about in the Bible, but also the rarely discussed gift shop that opened up after the death of Jesus, may he rest in peace. These are all features, of course, in the oft-ignored Book of Natalie somewhere deep in the New Testament.
Finally, next to all of these little boxes of insanity is this crazy thing:
What the hell am I supposed to do with this child? Is it Baby New Year 2009? Did it fall out of a Busby Berkeley dance number? Initially, I thought it was dressed as a caterpillar, but it has wings. It could also be a ladybug, but I’ve never seen a blue one—unless those are indigenous to Peru. In any case, they also should not be featured on the menu, because they Are Not Seafood.
The calendar closes with the phrase "Feliz Anu Nuevo" which, loosely translated, means "Peruvian Year of the Crazy."
Happy 2009 Everyone! And remember, if it sucks, you can always pray to Time-Travel Jesus to bring you to some other time!
To the untrained eye, this might seem like just a normal piece of trash:
But as I stared at this seemingly useless and busted-ass paper towel holder, I began to wonder, as I often do, why anyone wouldn't just throw this thing away. It takes a lot more effort to drag this thing out of your Luxurious Apartment and bring it downstairs into the Laundry Room than simply tossing it into your trash can.
When I looked slightly to the right, however, I had my answer. It's not trash: It's art!
Specifically, it's an artistic project from a graduate of the Savannah College of Art and Design. Using a series of sophisticated machinery...
...and art supplies... ...some NeighborGooder created a masterpiece!
I certainly hope this teaches you rubes a lesson in art.
First of all, I want to thank the folks over at Scrap Smack for giving NeighborGoodies a shout-out. Welcome, scrap-bookers! I hope you enjoy your stay here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills!
Now, on with the Goodies:
Today, we find a copy of "Dressing the Man You Love: A Woman's Guide to Purchasing, Coordinating and Caring for His Classic Wardrobe." I'm surprised the Big Blue Table didn't collapse under the weight of the title alone.
According to the website, this book is a "well-organized, non intimidating resource," and was written by Betsy Durkin Matthes, who had a role in a bunch of episodes of the 60's TV Series "Dark Shadows." Since then, she's become some sort of 'lyricist' and, I assume, a woman who obsessively nagged her husband about his wardrobe until he went insane and she wrote a book.
Judging only by what was accompanying the book on the NeighborGoodies Table, I'm a little unnerved by what Betsy might be suggesting you put on your put-upon husband:
Whoever had this book was clearly trying to get her husband to dress like a drag queen...
...often using items she found right here on The NeighborGoodies Table:
That turquoise terrycloth fiasco and those hot pink high heels once belonged to a girl named Samantha, who left them on the NeighborGoodies Table way back in April:
Just so we're all on the same page: These outfits were questionable at best when Samantha bought them new. After she wised up and abandoned them, they were claimed by another resident in the building, kept for eight months, then re-discarded. I wonder if Samantha ever saw her Turquoise Traveling Pants and Pink glass-sided hooker shoes wandering the halls of the apartment building again. And I wonder if they were on some poor guy whose wife started dressing him after reading Betsy's book.
Yeesh.
The only way it could be worse is if he was wearing those heels, those pants and....
...a "Get Crunk" tank top. I can just picture New-Samantha coming home one night completely crunked out of her head, taking off that tank top and placing it on her boyfriend while she sloppily slurs her way through a passage in Betsy's book.
Once Drunky passed out in a pile of clothes and vomit, her guy carefully grabbed what he could from beneath her, snuck downstairs and placed the items in question on the NeighborGoodies Table, starting with Betsy's book... figuring (correctly) that she'll never remember what went on that night. If he can keep her away from the laundry room for a couple of days until these items disappear again, he'll be home free! And if not... one of them will be homeless.
In conclusion: Never trust a former actor. Especially for fashion, marital or career advice.
"Historically, hats have often been an integral, even necessary, part of a working uniform. A miner, welder, construction worker, undertaker, white-collar worker or banker before the 1960s, chef, farmer, etc. all wear, or wore, a particular hat. Wearing 'many hats' or 'many different hats' simply means that one has different duties or jobs."
It kind of makes you wonder what sort of duties this lad Living in Luxury in the Hollywood Hills had. This hat...
...indicates, of course, that he worked at the Mobil station pumping fuel and selling gum for 87 dollars a pop. With the steady downturn in Gas Prices and the economy as a whole, he was likely let go, which would make anyone... mad as a hatter!Hey-o!!
This one, with three tomahawks on it...
...indicates that he is, perhaps, a chief for a Native American tribe. It also indicates that the job of Indian Chief is more physically taxing than I had ever thought possible, judging from the extent of the sweat stains beneath the rim:
Obviously, this violates the ancient Native American rule of "Never Let 'em See You Sweat." Our hero was once again removed from power... at the drop of a hat!
OK, seriously.... I'll stop with the hat jokes. They're... OLD HAT anyway!
Ahem...anyway, the rest of the hats have No Fear and RealPlayer logos on them:
I imagine this guy lost his gig at the Real company years ago, during the dotcom bust. It was his favorite job--the feather in his cap, if you will. (sorry) Now, he spends his days in home in the Hollywood Hills.... just waiting for another job to come up, being a burden on society.
Oh wait... that's me. Hooray for unemployment!!
*sigh* Ok....I guess I'd better put my... thinking cap on to concentrate on finding another job!
The apartment complex I live in is full of crazy people...and their apartments are full of crazy crap. Sometimes, said crap is purged..but instead of throwing it out or donating it to charity, the residents leave it in the laundry room, which doubles as an unofficial, unmonitored community trading post. This is a sampling of the items that pass through on a daily basis.
Where?
"Luxury Living in the Hollywood Hills." That's the slogan for the 100 unit apartment complex I live in. When they were coming up with this stroke of marketing genius, no one seemed bothered by the fact that we aren't actually IN the Hills of Hollywood. Of course, they also overlooked the fact that this isn't exactly Luxury Living, either...so I guess everyone loses.
Clearly, Santa's last stop before packing it up and moving back to the North Pole is the NeighborGoodies table, where drops off all of his undelivered items, such as leftover decorations...
...along with his beard, glasses...
...and trademark hat...
...complete with yellowing stains indicating just how hard he's been working through the holidays.
...which seem ROYALLY boring! There's also some non-royalty-themed books...
...which also fail to make me care. Santa also dropped off an open stack of tan paper...
...a terrifying faceless angel holding the kitty that sent her to heaven...
...this lovely lampshade and accompanying hot pink boa...
...a sack full of audio tapes...
And, of course, Christmas wouldn't be complete without a dual cassette tuner to play the cassettes on...
...and a basket to store them in.
