Idiot with a BMW!

Last week was a little light on the NeighborGoodies. Part of the reason could be that the elevators--the main gateway to the floor with the laundry on it-- were broken for most of that time. But don't worry. . .a paper sign posted over the elevators assured us that "a technician is on the way!" Apparently, he walked all the way from Mexico to fix our elevators. They broke again almost immediately afterwards.

But that's neither here nor there. The only thing I've found at Neighbor Goodies central (other than a copy of the Sunday Comics from January 13th) is the following DVD about your brand new BMW!

"Passion for Performance: An Insider's Guide to your BMW"

You'll notice that the case indicates that this is a collector's edition of this DVD. Whoever grabbed this really struck gold!


It's a "must see for every BMW Owner!" I didn't pop the disc in, but I'm guessing there are detailed instructions on How to Act Like You Own the Road and How to be a Jackass Even When You Aren't Driving.

I'm not saying that every BMW Owner is an idiot...I know several people who have them or had them, and they're all verynice. I'm just saying that there are a lot of arrogant asses on the road in LA. And many of them just happen to drive these things.

Do we think there are any Beamer drivers out there who would buy a new car for the sole purpose of getting this ultra-rare collectors' edition DVD? My answer is Yes.

How this BMW owner ever parted with this disc is beyond me. I'm not even sure how they had the time to drop this DVD off in the laundry room, since almost everyone in a BMW seems to be verybusy cutting me off every time I'm on the freeway.

I just checked on eBay...someone is trying to sell this DVD for FIFTY bucks.

Maybe I should start collecting these NeighborGoodies myself. . .

Blood, Sweat and Tears

Up for grabs this morning (And all weekend long, actually) are these pair of torn CK jeans...

They clearly belonged to some actressy-type in the building, or perhaps a small child, for they are pretty much microscopic. The jeans, along with the next few items, have been sitting in the laundry room for days, which is quite surprising, considering the objects' level of quality:

For example, take this very hip beige vest. . .

I can't wrap my brain around why this piece of heaven is still waiting for someone to claim it.

Oh wait..Maybe it's because right here, on the back. . .

...is a giant, gross lower back sweat stain!

I'm forced to wonder if whoever left this tried to wash it, and just left it down there when they discovered the stain wasn't coming out.

I'm also forced to wonder if whoever left this, also had the same thought process when leaving their white labcoats from Texas Tech School of Medicine. On first glance, these bright, white coats look brand new. . .

...aside from the BLOOD STAINS on them.

Hi, I live with murderers! And it's not the first time a killer walked these halls--The Hillside Strangler used to live here. Ahh! Everybody RUN!

On a side note, as it turns out, the whipping cream from the last post actually belonged to my roommate. He claims that he got it from work, and that it "smells like crap." Since it was taking up too much room, he placed it downstairs in the laundry room.

Ofcoursehedid.

I'm wondering if he left today's last item--a lovely purse/backpack combo.



It has three zipper compartments, perfect for holding onto your wallet, keys, glasses and any severed heads you might be carrying around.
Luxury Living in the Hollywood Hills, indeed.

Whipped Cream

This morning's item up for grabs is this lovely "lightly-whipped" body lotion.


The packaging looks straight out of the seventies in every aspect, aside from presence of a web site address, which leads you to a line of beauty products "from New York's hottest spa." They sell everything from creams to sneakers to bras and underwear. They also have "Skinny Jeans," hair dryers and some sort of anti-aging beauty product line with a slogan like "The Youth, the Whole Youth and Nothing But The Youth." So help me, God.

Whatever is on their website, can't quite compare to what's on this box of crazy, which includes a helpful BlissTip...


...and some very interesting Instructions for Use:


I must apologize for the poor quality of the Instructions, but I snapped the photo and ran off this morning because someone was coming in. Clearly, no one in the building can know about this project, for it may upset the fragile eco-system of the laundry giveaways. Anyway, I'd like to point out my favorite part of the packaging (click it for a better, albeit blurry, view):


The last line is amazing: "Slather from the neck down after cleansing. . .giving extra attention to elbows, knees, feet and other areas that look a little lizard-like."

What sort of amphibious creatures are living in my complex? Although the manager's office smells like Swamp Thing, I have never seen any scales on anyone wandering the halls. Maybe I need to pay more attention. Or maybe they just have a healthy supply of the Bliss Moisturizing Mousse.

A (not quite) Stainless Steal

After finishing my first post, I decided that my cell phone's low-quality photos weren't going to cut it, so I marched back down to the laundry room to take new photos of the accessories, but alas, they were all gone. They were snatched up pretty quickly, likely from one of the wannabe actors or actress who plague the halls of the building. Those accessories will no doubt wind up as the basis for some hilarious 80's style sketch on youtube in the coming weeks. I can't wait.

Coming back from the gym this morning, I found this filthy item:



This tiny Ikea pot that is probably ten years old and covered with stains and rust. I guess if you're going to get rid of something, why bother cleaning it? Just cook your mac & cheese for dinner and, rather than rinse it out, take the pot right from the stove top and deposit it onto the giveaway table.

Perhaps the most terrifying piece of today's post is the fact that the gross, unidentifiable stain on the laundry table is eerily similar to the rust stain inside of the pot:

What do we think this is?

Did the pot cause the stain? Or vice versa? After looking at the photos, I began to wonder what would happen if I placed the stain on the pot directly on top of the jizz stain on the table. Would it unlock the magical laundry-land where all the missing socks go? Or would I be transported to some college dorm room where this thing no doubt spent most of its life?

I went down to try it out, but the pot was gone...one mere hour after my discovery of it.

You've gotta act quick if you want to cash in on these opportunities, I guess. For what it's worth...the stain is still there. Ofcourseitis.

Luxury Giving. . .

"Luxury Living in the Hollywood Hills." That's the slogan for the 100 unit apartment complex I live in. When they were coming up with this stroke of marketing genius, no one seemed bothered by the fact that we aren't actually IN the Hills of Hollywood. Of course, they also overlooked the fact that this isn't exactly Luxury Living, either...so I guess everyone loses.

The building is, essentially, a pile of trash. This is most evident in our laundry room, where the table normally used to fold your freshly laundered shirts and jeans has been transformed into a unsupervised garage sale of sorts. For the five-plus years I've lived here, people have been placing their unwanted, unneeded objects in the laundry room for others to take. Everything from electronics to magazines, from books to computer software, from toys to stockings...I've seen it all.

The best part is...you never see anyone leaving these items. They just appear and disappear. (Sometimes only to reappear again days or weeks later. . .)

Clearly, someone needs to showcase these transient items before they are absorbed into the lives of some other lucky resident. Our first group of items looks like it was lifted directly from the set of Cagney & Lacey:




This rainbow snakeskin belt is one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. Long, thin and covered in enough colors to make Jackson Pollock vomit, this piece of heaven conjures up many questions in my crazy little head. Who would wear this? And to where? And can I go?

In my wildest dreams, the person who designed this atrocity lives in my building...having lost his or her home when her designs failed to hit it big in LA.

Judging from the rest of today's find, however, I would guess these items probably belonged to the hip septuagenarian who used to run this building. She still lives here, even though she was forced to retire a year or two ago.

A wonderful milky white purse the size of my car!

This tattered off-white belt probably matched the purse perfectly at the time of purchase. Now, not so much. . .

I think you can see this black belt and purse combo on any of the ladies from Designing Women...including Meshach Taylor

She's amazing, and was probably pretty hot back when the world was in black and white. The building lost a lot of its charm when the new management took over. In fact, I seem to remember them trying to keep this laundry table clean when they first came on the scene. Good job, everyone.

I'll write again when there are more NeighborGoodies* downstairs!

*Special thanks to Cristin, who provided the genius name for this blog!