By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Take the Lead

Looking for the perfect way to end your marriage or kill one of your friends? Well look no further, kind readers! Lucky for you, some kind Neighborgooder left all the ingredients you'll need to host the Worst Dinner Party Ever!

First, you'll need some lovely stained stainless steel cookware....

But what's the use of a pot without something to put in it?


Because what could be more appetizing than an opened bottle of generic drug-store brand Echinacea?

To me, Echinacea has always been a sham. Aside from making me nauseous, I never felt any different after popping some. In fact, according to this Wikipedia Article, there is no proof whatsoever that Echinacea has any effect on the duration of any illness at all. My favorite line from the article follows:

In one investigation by an independent consumer testing laboratory, five of eleven selected retail echinacea products failed quality testing. Four of the failing products contained measured levels of phenols believed to be related to potency below the levels stated on the labels.
One failing product was contaminated with lead.

Since the NeighborGoodie offered above is the off-brand, I am sure it is safe to assume it is fully contaminated with lead.

Of course, for your dinner party, you'll need some fine china to serve your lead-laden meal upon:

Luckily, this set of five floral patterned dinner plates and casserole dish will compliment your meal quite nicely, as it is no doubt painted with the same lead contained in the echinacea.

And for dessert, you'll be happy to take advantage of some of this tainted fruit...

...which, for some reason, is located not on the NeighborGoodies table at all, but on top of one of the washing machines.

As you know, this is NOT an authorized place for the NeighborGoodies, but apparently someone unfamiliar with the process thought it would be an acceptable substitue.

Perched upon a beige messenger bag, these three ceramic strawberries are sure to be a crunchy treat at the end of your Echinacea dinner. In fact, the (also lead-based, I assume) paint is flaking off... case you'd rather sprinkle the lead-strawberry flavoring onto a strudel instead of serving the hollow hand-painted fruit whole.

Once finished, just watch as your dinner guests wretch, heave, choke and cry--a sure sign that your dinner party was a success!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Bird Crap

I'm not going to lie to you: I simply have no clue what to make of this:

This evil looking bird's color scheme is similar to that of the Scarlet Macaw--the Honduran national bird. But that doesn't really answer the question of what the hell this object is.

It's made of that thin metal that they used to make kids' toys out of--you know, before everyone realized that sharp, cast iron parts covered in lead-based paint probably aren't best for young people whose motor skills aren't quite developed. Staring at that beak, I can't help but wonder how many kids this brightly colored bird has blinded or killed in its life. And, judging by the look of wicked determination on its face, the fucker probably enjoyed it.

If it was, in fact, a toy--it was a pretty crappy one. The wings on the bird actually are spring-loaded, so when at rest, the bird looks like this:

Useless... And, somehow, still terrifying. I'm pretty sure I saw Tippi Hedren cowering in the corner of the laundry room as I was taking these pictures.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Freshly Squeezed OJ

I have a question.

What if OJ didn't do it?

I'm not talking about the current trial where he's in trouble for doing whatever it is he's alleged to have done. No one cares about that.

I'm talking about The Big Trial. The one where everyone (except for twelve people) thought he killed his ex wife.

I'm asking because I think it's odd that just as OJ is in the news again, suddenly there's a mysterious black glove hangin' out on the NeighborGoodies Table:

I'm just saying... It looks an awful lot like the ones he was alleged to have worn during the murder:

As OJ's lawyer said: "If it does not fit, you must acquit."

I'm gonna put this unpopular opinion out there: Maybe the glove didn't fit during his trial because it wasn't his! And maybe, just maybe, this is the other half of that murdery pair of gloves. Let's look at the evidence:

Judging solely from the NeighborGoodies table, there has clearly been some murderin' goin on around here. Maybe the killer of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ronald Goldman has been Living in Luxury in the Hollywood Hills amongst the other NeighborGooders all this time! OJ did say he "would not rest" until he found the real killer. And now that he's on trial for something else, the real killer can finally breathe easy without fear that OJ would find him.

The killer's first act would, of course, would be to ditch the disguises he has been donning for the last 14 years. Items such as these...

He clearly found some of his more recent costumes right here on the NeighborGoodies Table back in May! You can plainly see these same two pairs sunglasses right in the middle of this NeighborGoodies File Photo...

...which makes them the second (and third, I suppose) NeighborGoodie Rerun!

I can hear you all now: "Oh sweet, delusional, Jeff... Your blog is amazing, but you are talking nonsense. There's no proof. What about the murder weapon?"

They never did find the 'knife' that allegedly killed Nicole and Ronald. However, I did uncover this on the table right next to the glove:

To the casual observer, it just looks like some cheap jewelry you'd most certainly throw out. But, if you really look at it--it seems as though it is made from little pieces of broken glass strung together.

It's quite simple really: The killer likely presented this necklace to his victim as part of another gift--such as this jewelry box, cleverly shaped to look like a miniature china closet:

The victim opens the drawer (which would house the silverware if it was a full-sized cabinet) and finds the blue necklace. The killer confuses her--perhaps by telling her it is made of blue topaz--and before you know it, she's trying it on. As she looks in the mirror to see the piece of trash around her neck, she notices her killer slipping on a pair of gloves before grabbing the necklace from behind and pulling--creating what seem to be dozens of stab wounds to the throat--just like the ones that killed Nicole!

Done and done. that I've cleared OJ's name, they can finally resume production on "Naked Gun 444: Why, God? Why?"

You're welcome, world.

Thursday, September 18, 2008


Say! Who wants some used flip flops!

These flip flops, proudly made in China, are same in color (and foot disease) only. The clip-art designs are diffferent on each pair--One boasting a floral theme, and the other some ducks in a pond as well as some other less-detailed flowers.

Somehow, no one in the building seems to realize that your neighbors don't want your mismatched pair of neon orange flip flops... nor do they want your other filthy shoes...

...which are among the dirtiest items I've seen on the NeighborGoodies table in quite some time.

These Pink Monstrosities, which look like they have been worn every day since 1987, are so dirty they almost seem as though they could hop down from the NeighborGoodies table and run off on their own volition.

Luckily, this next pair couldn't do that, because they are weighed down with 25 pounds of dust:

I'm not sure if you can see the amount of grime on the pair above, but rest assured, these fuzzy lifts are covered--and I do mean covered--with a layer of dust that indicates they were last used when someone died in them a dozen years ago...likely from falling off the shoe itself, as they place the wearer miles above the ground.

Clearly, the woman who owned these shoes was very short and needed the extra inches. How else was she going to reach the NeighborGoodies table and drop off this beaten pair of red leather shoes:

These are also designed to give the wearer several inches of height in order to function in normal day-to-day life. If they weren't girl-shoes, I'd think they belonged to the extremely short guy who lives in the building and drives a fucking Hummer.

I don't know why, but I hate that man and I hate that Hummer. It is so ridiculously big for any normal-sized human being to be driving around Los Angeles, let alone a munchkin. When I see this little teeny tiny guy climbing out of it, I kind of just want to pick him up and chuck him down the street.

The very presence of the Hummer has also infuriated neighbors and passersby alike, as evidenced by the massive amounts of keying that have been done to it. Tiny Tim constantly has to spraypaint the scratches off the Hummer, which often label him an A-hole.

Maybe it's the way the little guy just sits inside of the Hummer in front of the building, lurking... waiting for street parking to open up--because it's too big to fit into our garage. Or maybe it's because he takes up seventy-seven spaces on the street when he parks it, because it's too big to fit into just one. Or maybe it's because he is one foot tall and needs a stepladder to climb inside of his car.

Or maybe, just maybe, it's because HE DRIVES A FUCKING HUMMER IN L.A.

Perhaps if he was wearing a pair of these lifts, he wouldn't feel so inadequate and wouldn't need to drive a fucking hummer.


uhh...what was I talking about?

Oh right. Shoes! Ummm.... there are also some socks available, should you decide you want your feet to instantly fall off from whatever foot disease this NeighborGooder might have had:

Of course they, like the flip flops, don't match.

But something tells me if you're taking the shoes.... matching socks don't matter to you.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Mommie Dearest

It is clear from Friday's post that there is some sort of Matriarchal Unrest happening in the Hollywood Hills where most of us Live in Luxury. Especially considering what I found today:

This pillow, embroidered with the phrase "I smile because you're my daughter. I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it" seems like it could be one of those folksy things mothers buy at craft shows to kid around with their daughters. If you were to interview them after their purchase (for some reason) they would say something to the effect of: "Yeah, my daughter thinks I'm a real doozy, but at the end of the day we really love each other. And we have fun, you know?"

However, coming off the heels of Friday's post, it seems like they don't have any fun at all. In fact, when paired up with these items...

...I get a distinct Joan Crawford vibe from the whole situation:

Of course, maybe that's just me. (But no it isn't.)

Friday, September 12, 2008


Someone in the building is trying to rid themselves of their precious memories:

Lots of empty picture frames are littering the NeighborGoodies table this morning. Some of them are plain...

...and some are a little more fancy...

...and some even feature "Genuine Clear Glass!"
Obviously, no expense was spared when this person initially picked out these frames. We also know that the NeighborGooder who donated them is well-traveled, having been everywhere from Puerto Rico... Alaska...

...where they clearly splurged on a real Alaskan Picture Frame!

The NeighborGooder is also a huge pop culture fan. Why else would they have this tasteful frame with the NBC Logo handsomely adorning it:

But this is no ordinary frame. No! This one opens up into a photo album... case you want to keep pictures of your favorite NBC stars, such as Bill Cosby, Jerry Seinfeld and Bea Arthur!

So what kind of person would have this odd collection of frames? Clearly, they were amassed over many years, as evidenced by this loving tribute to the frameholder herself:

Of course, she's kind of the worst grandma ever, since she left a photo of her grandkid in this one:

Ouch...that stings, Grandma. That stings.

Why was this the only photo left in the frames? Is Grandma trying to tell us something? Perhaps her granddaughter was the Bee Girl from Blind Melon?

Maybe Grandma is embarrassed of her granddaughter's former pseudo-celebrity status, and had to get rid of the evidence--bee and all.

Needing more answers, I made sure no one was around and quietly unhinged the back of this photo frame to see if there were any other clues to the girl's real identity--perhaps a name scrawled on the back of the photo?

What I found was much more disturbing:

...another photo! This one of an older woman wearing an lei.

You'll need a closer look at this picture for sure:

This woman's expression--an evil grin, if you will-- is only more disturbing when you take into account the fact that it seems as though she's not wearing anything but those flowers. Her raised foot in the background also gives me chills.

There's no picture frame on the table to suggest that Grandma's been to Hawaii, and I don't think they have leis in Puerto Rico or Alaska or even at NBC, so I'm not sure if this is Grandma herself, or perhaps Grandma's daughter: AKA Bee Girl's mom.

Either way, if I see any of these people wandering the Luxurious Hallways of the Hollywood Hills--I'm running the other way.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

With Great Power...

Hey! Who wants some free, totally opened and probably laced with cyanide or anthrax Coffee Filters!!!!

There is, I'm sure, nothing wrong with these coffee filters at all. It's perfectly natural to just leave an open box of coffee filters out for your neighbors whom you love unconditionally. Seriously. I'm sure there is no danger whatsoever that these coffee filters have been covered with rat poison. But I can see why you're confused... The box of Artificial Sweetener...

...looks just like the box of rat poison:
(Except for the skull & crossbones on the label, of course.)

Still not convinced? What if the Neighbor who left this also implied that the coffee you make with these filters will give you...

...Unlimited Power!!!! These coffee filters are (I assume, considering how close they are in proximity to the book) the Way To Peak Personal Achievement!

No? Not buying it?

Yeah, neither am I. I don't know how many times I have to say it: DON'T take any consumables from the NeighborGoodies Table! You'll surely perish! (See Sunday's entry if you're still wondering why.)

Hmm...I think I've had too much caffeine today.... Maybe I should switch to Sanka:

Monday, September 8, 2008

Food for Thought

While waiting for the elevator, I discovered this gem on the NeighborGoodies Table:

At first glance, I was under the impression that Food... For Thought was a recipe book until I noticed the cover describing it as "A Collection of Words To Cherish" (I'm on a diet, so currently, everything is about food.)

As I thumbed through this Chicken Soup for the Soul ripoff, I was exposed to quotes from people such as Walt Whitman and Ralph Waldo Emerson... as well as this classic prayer...

...submitted by Geri Jewell.

For those of you who didn't grow up watching every sitcom ever, Geri Jewell played Blair Warner's "Cousin Geri" on the Facts of Life. (see the episode here!) Cousin Geri showed up to Eastland where Blair and her friends go to school. As she stumbles in, it is clear that the girls think that she is wasted, until Cousin Geri reveals that she has Cerebral Palsy... although she is wearing this t-shirt:

It says "I don't have cerebral palsy, I'm just drunk." She then vomits on them and demands some rum. Talk about mixed messages.

According to Cousin Geri's website, she was the first character with a disability to have a regular series role on a prime time series. I imagine it was through her television work that Cousin Geri met the author of Food...For Thought, Fern Field Brooks, who happens to have produced everything from Maude to Monk to Mr. Wizard's World.

Fern graciously offers copies of this book for the random price of $8.45 out of what seems to be her house. Or, you can check out the website, which leads you to a page that is almost entirely in Japanese. If you click around enough, you'll end up on pages with photos from a Japanese McDonald's, where the person seems to have ordered only burger buns and fries, which they combine into their own McFry sandwich:

Or this one, where they make a cheeseburger with over a dozen patties:

Or this one, where they make wall art out of the fry containers:

I'm not sure what sort of Thought Fern meant this Food to give us, but it does make me wonder if this is some new sitcom that Fern is working on (possibly entitled "Fast Food For Thought"). If so, I will set my Tivo it immediately.