By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Take the Lead

Looking for the perfect way to end your marriage or kill one of your friends? Well look no further, kind readers! Lucky for you, some kind Neighborgooder left all the ingredients you'll need to host the Worst Dinner Party Ever!

First, you'll need some lovely stained stainless steel cookware....

But what's the use of a pot without something to put in it?


Because what could be more appetizing than an opened bottle of generic drug-store brand Echinacea?

To me, Echinacea has always been a sham. Aside from making me nauseous, I never felt any different after popping some. In fact, according to this Wikipedia Article, there is no proof whatsoever that Echinacea has any effect on the duration of any illness at all. My favorite line from the article follows:

In one investigation by an independent consumer testing laboratory, five of eleven selected retail echinacea products failed quality testing. Four of the failing products contained measured levels of phenols believed to be related to potency below the levels stated on the labels.
One failing product was contaminated with lead.

Since the NeighborGoodie offered above is the off-brand, I am sure it is safe to assume it is fully contaminated with lead.

Of course, for your dinner party, you'll need some fine china to serve your lead-laden meal upon:

Luckily, this set of five floral patterned dinner plates and casserole dish will compliment your meal quite nicely, as it is no doubt painted with the same lead contained in the echinacea.

And for dessert, you'll be happy to take advantage of some of this tainted fruit...

...which, for some reason, is located not on the NeighborGoodies table at all, but on top of one of the washing machines.

As you know, this is NOT an authorized place for the NeighborGoodies, but apparently someone unfamiliar with the process thought it would be an acceptable substitue.

Perched upon a beige messenger bag, these three ceramic strawberries are sure to be a crunchy treat at the end of your Echinacea dinner. In fact, the (also lead-based, I assume) paint is flaking off... case you'd rather sprinkle the lead-strawberry flavoring onto a strudel instead of serving the hollow hand-painted fruit whole.

Once finished, just watch as your dinner guests wretch, heave, choke and cry--a sure sign that your dinner party was a success!

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