By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Freshly Squeezed OJ

I have a question.

What if OJ didn't do it?

I'm not talking about the current trial where he's in trouble for doing whatever it is he's alleged to have done. No one cares about that.

I'm talking about The Big Trial. The one where everyone (except for twelve people) thought he killed his ex wife.

I'm asking because I think it's odd that just as OJ is in the news again, suddenly there's a mysterious black glove hangin' out on the NeighborGoodies Table:

I'm just saying... It looks an awful lot like the ones he was alleged to have worn during the murder:

As OJ's lawyer said: "If it does not fit, you must acquit."

I'm gonna put this unpopular opinion out there: Maybe the glove didn't fit during his trial because it wasn't his! And maybe, just maybe, this is the other half of that murdery pair of gloves. Let's look at the evidence:

Judging solely from the NeighborGoodies table, there has clearly been some murderin' goin on around here. Maybe the killer of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ronald Goldman has been Living in Luxury in the Hollywood Hills amongst the other NeighborGooders all this time! OJ did say he "would not rest" until he found the real killer. And now that he's on trial for something else, the real killer can finally breathe easy without fear that OJ would find him.

The killer's first act would, of course, would be to ditch the disguises he has been donning for the last 14 years. Items such as these...

He clearly found some of his more recent costumes right here on the NeighborGoodies Table back in May! You can plainly see these same two pairs sunglasses right in the middle of this NeighborGoodies File Photo...

...which makes them the second (and third, I suppose) NeighborGoodie Rerun!

I can hear you all now: "Oh sweet, delusional, Jeff... Your blog is amazing, but you are talking nonsense. There's no proof. What about the murder weapon?"

They never did find the 'knife' that allegedly killed Nicole and Ronald. However, I did uncover this on the table right next to the glove:

To the casual observer, it just looks like some cheap jewelry you'd most certainly throw out. But, if you really look at it--it seems as though it is made from little pieces of broken glass strung together.

It's quite simple really: The killer likely presented this necklace to his victim as part of another gift--such as this jewelry box, cleverly shaped to look like a miniature china closet:

The victim opens the drawer (which would house the silverware if it was a full-sized cabinet) and finds the blue necklace. The killer confuses her--perhaps by telling her it is made of blue topaz--and before you know it, she's trying it on. As she looks in the mirror to see the piece of trash around her neck, she notices her killer slipping on a pair of gloves before grabbing the necklace from behind and pulling--creating what seem to be dozens of stab wounds to the throat--just like the ones that killed Nicole!

Done and done. that I've cleared OJ's name, they can finally resume production on "Naked Gun 444: Why, God? Why?"

You're welcome, world.


InALittleMinute said...

I love it! I am going with your theory~!