Now What?

Every now and again, I come across an item on the NeighborGoodies table that defies all explanation and reason:


I must confess that I wasn't really paying very close attention while I was snapping photos of this green, uhhh...item. I was busy trying to get the shots and get the hell out of the laundry room before I got caught by some Neighbors coming off the elevator. And so I'm left with two pics of this monstrosity...

...and it's only really dawned on me right now that I have no fucking idea what it is.

While I was snapping the pics, I kind of just assumed it was a candle-holder, but upon further review, that just doesn't make any sense. I wonder: Is it a coin holder? I mean, I could probably put some dimes in the little slot-shelves that line the edges. I'm not sure why I would do that, but I could.

You can't use it to drink out of, what with those aforementioned slots that open up into the body of this doo-dad. But maybe it's some sort of a tiny fountain! I suppose I could pump water into it and it could come out the sides... causing a very, very slow flood in my Luxurious Apartment. Again, I don't really know why I'd want to do that... but the option is there.

Of course, it could be another Unstylish & Useless piece of decorative pottery, like our old friend the boobie-vase. But to me, it also kina looks like maybe a tiny UFO that somehow landed on the NeighborGoodies Table! Could it be evidence of very-small extra-terrestrial life? Do we think someone is getting anally probed in my building? (The answer, of course, is yes... but I'm hoping it has nothing to do with this object.)

I think it's safe to assume that whoever dropped this particular item off also had no idea what it was meant for. I'm guessing they received it as an unwanted apartment-warming gift when they moved here to the Hollywood Hills, and immediately upon discovering the NeighborGoodies Table, it was swiftly deposited there without even an ounce of guilt.

So.... do you have any ideas what this might be? Because seriously... I just... I'm at a loss.

Here Come the NeighborGoodies... Again!

As California continues to keep the gays from getting married, I can't help but wonder if they're doing us a favor! After all, "Opposite Marriages" fall apart every day, as evidenced in today's pile of NeighborGoodies! So perhaps this slim majority isn't trying to take a stand against our civil rights--but instead are just trying to protect us from the horrors of wedlock!

Sure, marriages start off great--full of love and rings...
...but before long, groom after groom is disappointed when he learns all the secrets to his blushing bride's beauty, starting with the first time he wakes up and sees her wandering the house in these:

I didn't think it was possible, but this woman somehow has more hair clips than Bug's Bunny's nemesis, Witch Hazel:
Of course, the ladies aren't exactly winning any prizes either... especially on their first anniversary when their men come home with gifts like these...
...saying things like, "Well, you seem to like ironing so much, I just thought..." Of course, he never gets to finish his statement, as he's likely cut off by the sound of the slamming door.

Opposite marriage isn't all bad, though. After a big fight like that, couples will often have a romantic night together full of apologies, wine and chocolate and, of course, before long, they're starting a family:

And lord knows, the gays don't want a house full of children running around coloring their wedding presents with White-Out:

In fact, after reviewing the evidence, I move to invalidate all marriages, both opposite and same! Marriage just seems like a terrible idea!

Gee... if only there was some sort of television program that could make me believe in marriage again. Perhaps a cute, fun reality show--one that isn't full of backstabbery or grossness. One that won't make me feel dirty after I watch. One that shows the lighter side of love with insanely adorable challenges that test and celebrate the strength of a couple's marriage...

*Sigh* If only...

Oh wait! I forgot!!! There totally IS a show like that!!




Hooray! I believe in love again! And you will, too, after watching tonight's AMAZING Episode of Here Come the Newlyweds at 10/9 central on ABC!! It's the second episode of the season, but don't fret if you missed the first one, as there's a handy-dandy little recap for you at the start! Or, of course, you could watch the first hour free online!

Early buzz suggests that tonight's episode might actually change television in a profound and dramatic way... and I'm certainly not saying that because my editor and I worked tirelessly on it. Trust me: I'm saying it because you deserve to watch A Quality Television™ show that features Ass Grabbing, Dr. Ruth and people screaming at Comically Large Bugs:



Believe me when I tell you that ALL of your co-workers will be talking about how this show reinvigorated their marriages, changed their lives, and reminded them to call their exterminators. And you don't want to be the left-out jerk, do you?

Didn't think so. Happy viewing!

And don't forget: NeighborGoodies is on Twitter, Facebook and MySpace as well!

Animals Are People, Too. Delicious, Delicious People.

A few weeks ago, I posted about some items left by one of the pet owners (or "parents" as they prefer to be called) of the building. I mentioned that they have a little club here in these Luxurious Hollywood Hills Apartments that excludes, shuns, shames and annoys the non-pet owners of the building. The person who left those items out for the "Dog Lovers" of the building must also be responsible for the ASPCA literature lying around on the table this week:

The ASPCA is one of the polite, kind, gentle animal rights groups, like the WWF or STOP--Save The Oppressed Polyesters. They distribute calendars with fuzzy polar bears on them and understand that people are going to keep eating meat, but they're still fighting the good fight to get the animals treated more humanely while they're alive. Couldnt' agree more.

But then there's that... "Other" animal group. You know, the ones who somehow think that violence towards people will curb violence towards animals.

They're the belligerent, over-zealous types ones who leave literature like this all over the place:

Ominous pamphlets such as "Elephants in Zoos: The Truth Revealed" and "Try Vegetarian!" The person who left this propaganda is clearly the woman who assaults you outside of your grocery store, hollering about how animals are tortured before they're killed so you can feed your fat face with them.

And the whole time she's screaming at you about how you're the Anti-Christ for having a hamburger...
...she's forgetting to feed her fish.


Way to go, killer. Guess you're having sushi tonight.

Collector's Edition

People collect all kinds of weird things. Baseball Cards, Dolls, Human Skulls... these are just some of the common collectibles that nerds, nerdettes & psychopaths all around the world are hoarding. There are countless websites dedicated to people's vast and ill-conceived collections. Some people even collect photos of other people's garbage, or pictures of people being pelted with bananas. Talk about ridiculous!

Ahem...

Anyway, here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills, someone has amassed a collection of failed collections. These seem to be coming from a person in search of something to hoard. Early in this guy's life, he came home one day after school, ashamed that he was the only boy without a hobby. So after careful consideration, he chose stamp collecting:


A Philatelist generally spends years collecting stamps, often of the first day they come out. This guy started his collection in 1973, back when US Postage Stamps were only eight cents:

And while he clearly started off with gusto--gathering a huge collection of seven stamps--it's clear that he abandoned his project pretty quickly, possibly when stamps rose from 8 to 10 cents in March of 1974. Those two extra cents were too much for him to handle, so he decided to switch gears and, in the early 80's started collecting change...

...and rocks. I think initially he was trying to convince himself that by collecting the change, he could raise enough cash to revive his ailing stamp collection. And coin collecting on its own can be quite profitable if done right. But as you can see....
...he was mainly collecting Pesos, which are about as effective as his little rocks when trying to purchase stamps from the US Postal Service. (Although I've often wanted to throw stones at some of the clerks, so maybe he was on to something.)

The latest Peso is deted 1981, and I assume he remained hobby-less for nearly ten years abefore finally (albeit briefly) settling on a more manly hobby to evenutally ignore:

Cars! This Hobby, likely inspired by a combination of the Tim Allen era of 'butch comedy' and a mid-life crisis, lasted for about as long as you might think for a guy who amassed a collection of stamps and coins worth approximately $1.19 over the course of 27 years.

So what makes people want to collect things? Well, I might have done some light reading on the subject...

...and it turns out that some psychologists believe that it's mankind's effort to control some small portion of the world they live in, or an attempt to have a project that extends over the course of a lifetime. According to this article, Sigmund Freud suggested that collecting items "ties back to the time of toilet training." His theory was that potty training is so traumatic that the first flush creates a sense of loss, and you spend the rest of your life trying to regain what was taken from you.

Which would explain why this guy's collection is so... shitty.

Hey-o!

The Pet Club

The dog people in this Luxurious Hollywood Hills building have a little club, where they gather and disapprove of all of us who don't have pets... and I have no doubt that one of them left these items on the NeighborGoodies Table:


A copy of "Dog's Life" magazine with a note sticking out that reads "For Our Dog Loving Friends" which was written on the back of a script page from...

...Days of Our Lives, during a particularly heavy scene between Daniel and Chloe. Whoever they are.

Based solely on 1950's stereotypes, I'll go ahead and say this means the Pet Owner in question is probably a bored housewife (although clearly a writer would make more sense. But shut up, this is my blog!) Anyway, because she's a housewife who loves her "stories" as my grandmother used to call them, it cannot be the building manager. Why? Because she's unmarried. Why is she unmarried? Well, mostly because she's the devil. (For more on her, please see today's edition of All Bitched Up. See? I had a plan for that housewife thing all along.)

This NeighborGooder also left this painted rock:

...which is from the The Humane Society's Protect Seals campaign:

Ironically, it's the perfect size and shape to club baby seals with*. Weird.

*Note: Please do not club baby seals. Thank you.

Part of Your Complete Breakfast

Today we have everything you could possibly need to brighten up your morning. Some NeighborGooder was quite obviously cleaning out their Luxurious Hollywood Hills kitchen and disposed of essentials such as...

...the best selling "Joy of Cooking." Since its first printing in 1931 (!!) this book has found its way into just about everyone's kitchen. Well, everyone's except mine because I don't know how to cook. In fact, I don't know anything about anything in the kitchen, except how to eat. And make a mess. Those are the two things I do well. And while I do make a hell of a Banana Surprise and a decent bowl of cereal, there is no Joy in Cooking for me. I could even toast a bagel if I really put my mind to it... but they always get so stale! What's a boy to do?

Oh, I know! A Bagel Jar™!


I've never seen a container like this, so I'm happy that it is very clearly labeled. I don't say this very often in connection with items on the Big Blue Table, but these two items might actually be of use to someone. A recipe book and a relatively clean-looking storage container for your delicious bagels really aren't so bad, compared to what's usually in the laundry room. Hey, if they weren't sitting on a table that was crawling with infectious diseases, I might even advocate taking these things.

Even this 1960's era percolator isn't so bad, really:

I mean, I'd certainly never drink anything out of it (Remember The Golden Rule: We Must Never Consume Anything from the NeighborGoodies Table!) but it'd be a cool decorative piece.

Even if, for some reason, you did want to drink out of it, I'm not sure if you could:

I don't know what the insides of a percolator is supposed to look like, but I'm pretty sure this is not it:

Or maybe it is. I don't know crap about Hippie-era technology.
But one thing I do know: That 40 year old percolator is in WAY better condition than this ultra-modern pile of filth:
Let me give you a closer look at this thing:



As you can see, this is a whole new level of disgustingness, even for the NeighborGoodies Table.
I can't help but wonder if this was left by the same guy who dropped off the nasty water purifier not too long ago.


Like I said, I don't know anything about kitchens, but I do know that this level of grime doesn't just happen. This was done out of spite. This has to be the result of some sort of argument between roommates over who does the dishes or who cleans the bathroom or who drank who's Yoo-hoo. It's as if they were using actual pieces of earth instead of coffee grounds to make their morning beverage. And while dirt is chock full of minerals, I think I'll stick with my Cheerios instead.

I joke about this a lot, but this time I mean it: If anyone tried to use this thing, they could ACTUALLY die. And not a fake comedy death... they would be, you know DEAD dead! And this was IN someone's apartment... for a LONG, LONG time by the looks of it.

And this is why we don't go to the Neighbors' places for brunch here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills.

The Gospel According to Hussies

I got a text message last week from the NeighborGoodies Ally--my friend who Lives in Luxury downstairs from me that discovered the blog not too long ago. He and his fiancée wanted to alert me of the following collection of Girl Power, God Power and, well, Smut:

First up, some Girl Power:

Books with titles such as "Women on Top" by Nancy Friday and "The Sensuous Woman" by someone only known as "J"...

...how could these not be high quality? "Women on Top" is, according the book cover, the source for "How Real Life Has Changed Women's Sexual Fantasies." Meanwhile, the Sensuous Woman (Brought to you by the letter "J") is billed as "The Runaway Best Seller That Changed the Way Women Make Love." Personally, I feel like these descriptions were switched at the Book Factory... or wherever it is that books come from.

These books are, of course, in direct contrast to the God Power items, with titles such as "The Promise of God"...
...which, for the record is billed as "A Novel," and something called Power for Living...

...which may or may not be a religious book, but judging by its cover (which, yes, I'm going to do. Try and stop me!) it is a preachy piece of literature that tells you if you find God, everything will magically fall into place.

Finally, there's the undoubtedly religious "Here We Stand..."

...which is "An Exposition of the Apostles' Creed." For those of you who didn't grow up Catholic, the Apostles' Creed is one of the longer prayers we had to endure in school--they didn't even bother throwing it at us until the fourth grade, along with long division and writing with actual ink, as opposed to pencils. (Fourth grade was a big year!)

Because it was drilled into our heads, I can still remember every line of this monologue, even though I haven't set foot inside a church since I began living a Sinful Alternative Lifestyle. And while it's true it was a massive prayer, I am 100% positive that if I were to do a dissertation on it, I could likely describe the creed in LESS THAN FOUR audio cassettes:

I mean: WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously. Who needs to dissect a prayer over FOUR CASSETTES? What hidden meanings could this piece of work have? Don't get me wrong, I think it's good that someone out there is questioning the prayer itself, as opposed to rattling it off like sheep as we were forced to do in grade school, but I have to believe that you could maybe do it in a speech that is under four hours.

And right smack in the middle of all of these items on the NeighborGoodies Table is an unholy, unsanitary mix of both Girl Power and God Power:

This miniature New Testament, coupled with this even more miniature turquoise, polka-dotted, frilly thong is really like looking at the battle of Good versus Evil right here in a Laundry Room in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills. Personally, I'm not sure who to root for. But I do know one thing: Not even God wants to touch that bible after it's been near those panties, Girl Power be damned.