By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Monday, May 4, 2009

The Gospel According to Hussies

I got a text message last week from the NeighborGoodies Ally--my friend who Lives in Luxury downstairs from me that discovered the blog not too long ago. He and his fiancée wanted to alert me of the following collection of Girl Power, God Power and, well, Smut:

First up, some Girl Power:

Books with titles such as "Women on Top" by Nancy Friday and "The Sensuous Woman" by someone only known as "J"... could these not be high quality? "Women on Top" is, according the book cover, the source for "How Real Life Has Changed Women's Sexual Fantasies." Meanwhile, the Sensuous Woman (Brought to you by the letter "J") is billed as "The Runaway Best Seller That Changed the Way Women Make Love." Personally, I feel like these descriptions were switched at the Book Factory... or wherever it is that books come from.

These books are, of course, in direct contrast to the God Power items, with titles such as "The Promise of God"...
...which, for the record is billed as "A Novel," and something called Power for Living...

...which may or may not be a religious book, but judging by its cover (which, yes, I'm going to do. Try and stop me!) it is a preachy piece of literature that tells you if you find God, everything will magically fall into place.

Finally, there's the undoubtedly religious "Here We Stand..."

...which is "An Exposition of the Apostles' Creed." For those of you who didn't grow up Catholic, the Apostles' Creed is one of the longer prayers we had to endure in school--they didn't even bother throwing it at us until the fourth grade, along with long division and writing with actual ink, as opposed to pencils. (Fourth grade was a big year!)

Because it was drilled into our heads, I can still remember every line of this monologue, even though I haven't set foot inside a church since I began living a Sinful Alternative Lifestyle. And while it's true it was a massive prayer, I am 100% positive that if I were to do a dissertation on it, I could likely describe the creed in LESS THAN FOUR audio cassettes:

I mean: WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously. Who needs to dissect a prayer over FOUR CASSETTES? What hidden meanings could this piece of work have? Don't get me wrong, I think it's good that someone out there is questioning the prayer itself, as opposed to rattling it off like sheep as we were forced to do in grade school, but I have to believe that you could maybe do it in a speech that is under four hours.

And right smack in the middle of all of these items on the NeighborGoodies Table is an unholy, unsanitary mix of both Girl Power and God Power:

This miniature New Testament, coupled with this even more miniature turquoise, polka-dotted, frilly thong is really like looking at the battle of Good versus Evil right here in a Laundry Room in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills. Personally, I'm not sure who to root for. But I do know one thing: Not even God wants to touch that bible after it's been near those panties, Girl Power be damned.


Ludovica said...

Well you certainly do have someone very philosophically conflicted in your building. Having once owned a copy of "The Sensuous Woman" by "J" I can tell you that it is hot enough stuff for the author to have been too ashamed to put their name to it. What's that about anyway..? You write a book.. a handbook or manual even, to tell others how to do something and yet you aren't prepared to personally endorse it by uising your proper name? Hardly instils confidence does it?. I can vouch for the fact the advice contained therein has been of no use to me at all in my life (7 years of unintentional celibacy = This book has failed as far as I am concerned) I assume it was the same for the person who left it on the Blue Table...
OK if you are unintentionally celibate, one way of not looking like a total loser is to become religious. No-one expects religious people to be anything else do they? I tried this for a while as well. It isn't actually satisfying at all, merely expands the notion of a fantasy boyfriend into something far more outwardly respectable, but which nevertheless is still a yearning after someone intangible. So, having tried being a sexual proficient and failing, and a religious proficient, and gettingdissatisfied with that.. where does the lady go from there?
There can only be one other possibility.. she actually hooked up with a real life flesh and blood guy at last.. HURRAH!! Well DONE!! (envy envy)Congratulations madam, but please wait until you get inside your apartment and dont let him rip off your knickers in the laundry room and leave them on the table......

The Ally's Fiance said...

So glad to be of service! The moment I set eyes on those tiny polka-dotted (and most likely dirty) panties and that tiny (also probably dirty) New Testament, I thought of you. And I mean this in the best way possible.

Because everyone knows that itty bitty (dirty) panties and miniscule bibles that don't even include the good (dirty) parts (Old Testament) are the very definition of Luxury Living in the Hollywood Hills. And when I think of Luxury, well, I think of you. Sigh.