Bea is for Bag

Before you read on, you should know something: This will probably be the gayest post I ever do. And I'm talking 'gay' as in 'homosexual.'

As I'm sure you've heard by now, over the weekend, we lost hilarious and beloved actress Bea Arthur:

Thank You For Being a Friend

She had a long and storied career, but I think it's fair to say she'll be remembered by our generation mostly for her role as Dorothy Zbornak on The Golden Girls. As clever as the writing was on the series, my favorite part was always the way Bea Arthur reacted to the insanity that was around her: The icy glares she constantly gave her roommates, coupled with the baritone sound & wicked delivery of her insults were just genius. The woman had great comic timing; reruns of The Golden Girls & Maude are still hilarious, and it has everything to do with Bea Arthur.

I wonder if it is a coincidence that after she died on Saturday, these gigantic purses showed up on the NeighborGoodies Table:


Now, I'm not saying they were hers, but I do find it strange that once this TV Icon dropped dead, these bags appeared. Look at them! They're the epitome of 1980's television props: Massively huge, pastel-colored monstrosities that you never saw anywhere out in the real world. Bags just like these could be found slung over Dorothy's arm in just about every episode:



Perhaps the bags were put there as an homage to Bea Arthur. Think about it: Some people lit candles. Some people (the gays) stayed in and watched their Golden Girls DVDs, sobbing into their cheesecake. And one person left these Golden Girls inspired purses on the NeighborGoodies Table.

And as, uhh, 'lovely' as those purses may be, I have to say that Bea Arthur, Betty White, Estelle Getty & Rue McClanahan were always my favorite old bags. I'm just glad Bea herself didn't end up on the table. Although funeral arrangements have not been announced, so... only time will tell.

All Mixed Up

Over the weekend, someone in the building did a full-on Media Cleanse, first getting rid of their dual cassette/CD player:


I'd say this is a pretty good find, except that it has no speakers... although some might argue that the cassette I found inside more than makes up for that:



A copy of 1996's "Older" by George Michael, which scored about zero hits in the States, but was a massive hit everywhere else in the world. In addition to "Older," this NeighborGooder also dumped the rest of their old audio tapes onto the Big Blue Table:

This collection seems to be made up entirely of crappy compilations, such as...
...Christmas Time with Elmo & Patsy (and others) featuring that wacky holiday anthem "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer."


Elmo & Patsy are featured amongst more traditional crooners such as Gene Autry, Julie Andrews and, for some reason, Jim Nabors...
...who was TV's Gomer Pyle. But still, they get top billing on the cover of this cassette.

In addition to terrible holiday music, this box is also full of Mix Tapes. For the young whipper-snappers out there, Mix Tapes were something we did before we made Mix CDs, which were something we did before iPod Shuffles were a thing. Get off my lawn.

I believe Mix Tapes are second only to diaries if you want to get a glimpse inside of a person's head and find out just how weird they really are, especially if you find tapes that were only meant for the creator, such as "Ecclectic Instrumental..."
...or "Mellow Classical..."
...or the hopelessly generic "Mixed Music I."


I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that these mix tapes, which are all haphazardly encased with no regard to each cassette's manufacturer (this woman was not brand loyal at all) all seem to be the lamest Mix Tapes Ever. Mellow Classical? BORING! Ecclectic Instrumental? First of all, spell eclectic right...and secondly, instrumental? Jesus, I'd hate to be on a road trip with this chick.

Mix tapes gained popularity in the 70's, with the introduction of Sony's Walkman. At the time, the record labels panicked and started slapping labels on all of their LP's and cassettes:

Turns out, the record labels were right... and mix tapes are why we don't have recorded music anymore. So as boring and terrible as these NeighborGoodies cassettes are, they may well be the last new music that was ever produced. Because Home Taping Killed Music. And this woman's terrible musical taste killed everyone around her.

Attention All Ye Who Enter...

Lots of things get abandoned on the NeighborGoodies Table. Often, I will offer sad, stabby reasons for these things. And although some may think I'm embellishing or, for some reason, just "making it up," I like to think I'm pretty much dead-on over 2,000% of the time. That's a pretty good track record!

For example, I think there's only one way to read today's NeighborGoodie...

...and that is to assume this NeighborGooder has abandoned all hope:

While few people are this literal about it, losing hope is an all-too common occurrence here in the luxurious Hollywood Hills.

People flock here from all walks of life to try and live out their dreams of becoming actors, writers, illegal immigrants, etc. Unfortunately, their dreams are often crushed and they are forced to become waiters, American citizens, or, heaven forbid, celebrity gossip bloggers. And, just like that, all hope is lost.

Although today at NeighborGoodies, we learn a very important lesson: All hope is not lost. It's just... hanging out on a Big Blue Table in some laundry room somewhere, in a crappy little basket someone found on sale at the Hallmark store the week after Valentine's Day.


Keep hope alive!

Worn Out

This shirt...

...has been on the NeighborGoodies Table for a couple of days now and I haven't been able to write about it, mainly because it sort of shuts my brain down when I look at it.

The gun, the strange letters (The "И" is a major problem for me) and the phrase "Boom Goes The Dynamite" (which, by the way, you can read about here) are combined here in such a way, that my brain can't comprehend it. It's as if I'm being Tazed... My mind is just shutting down, and I don't know why.

It's all so confusing... what are those round things supposed to be? Are they Coins? Buttons? Targets? And whose autograph is that reprinted in yellow towards the bottom? Why would anyone sign this? WHAT IS THIS THING? What's it for?????

Fuck this shirt, and fuck whoever left it.

I need a nap.

Throw Me a Stone...

I don't think I'm overstating the situation when I say the NeighborGoodies Table is, quite possibly, one of the filthiest things on the planet. It is riddled with disgusting distustingness, such as this used Brita water purifier:

Initially purchased to help clean up this NeighborGooder's drinking water, this item was neglected and abused so much, that it eventually stopped purifying the user's water altogether and tried to kill them:

(Feel free to click on this for Maximum Nastiness!)

How could this item be dirtier than the LA tap water? I have this exact product in my own Luxurious Hollywood Hills Apartment, and it is pretty much spotless--mainly because I keep it clean... you know, because I DRINK OUT OF IT. Therefore, I know that this level of dirt and grime only could occur if someone was living in absolute filth, or planting flowers in their purifier.

Nothing could clean this thing... except maybe some Glass Wax which, due to its cleansing nature, was immediately thrown out of someone's apartment upon its discovery:

As you can tell by the metal packaging, Glass Wax is an Old Tyme Product which, despite its name, cleans much more than just glass:

The product was initially created in 1945 by Harold Schafer, whose story is chronicled at Medora, North Dakota's Number One Vacation Site! Because If You Live in North Dakota, You Deserve A Vacation™.

When I first laid eyes on this ancient cleaning solution, I thought it was perhaps a special promotion, harkening back to the early days of Glass Wax... because certainly nothing from our era could possibly still look like this. But as I inspected the product, I realized this thing is definitely authentically old:


This dented, rusted $3.99 container of Glass Wax has no markings on it whatsoever that would indicate a date, other than it being distributed by Airwick Industries, which bought out Gold Seal in 1986. They discontinued Glass Wax in 2005, much to the chagrin of many, many people who are still complaining about it on every blog and discussion group on the internet. (Many of whom claim to live in Glass Houses. Really?)


Glass Wax claims that it "Cleans 30 Kinds of Dirt in 30 Seconds," but as tempted as I am to use this 4 - 23 year old container of liquid cleaner on the water purifier (or heck, even the NeighborGoodies Table itself) I know there are people out there who really, REALLY want this product. And maybe, just maybe, one of them Lives in Luxury in the Hollywood Hills.

But I still wouldn't drink their water.

Pity The Fools

OK, OK, so maybe I'm not getting forcibly removed from my Life of Luxury as reported yesterday, April 1: The Day of the Fool. And maybe no one really threatened to "beat me into a diabetic coma." And perhaps nobody is actually throwing eggs and/or feces at me (although I'm pretty sure it's only a matter of time before that one actually happens to me...)

I apologize if my lies have harmed you because, as I'm sure we all know, lying is immoral, and I shall repent immediately:


Reading Morality for Beautiful Girls seems like a good start. Sure, I'm not a beautiful girl, but I'm sure the major principals are the same. Although whoever left this book on the NeighborGoodies clearly didn't read the chapter about not leaving your unwashed unmentionables lying around...


Harlot.

Oh, by the way...did I mention NeighborGoodies is on Twitter now? Go check it out! But, for the love of all that is holy, please try keep your underwear on.

Welcome to Hatepril

It is my sad duty to report that after nearly 150 posts and hundreds of trashy objects, NeigbhorGoodies is being forced to close. Apparently word got out about the blog a few weeks ago, and my kind & lovely neighbors have been quietly passing a petition around the building to have me removed from the premises for "spreading false lies about and within the community." If I exit within thirty days and cease blogging immediately, any and all pending litigation will be dropped and we can all move on with our lives.

There's been an outpouring of hate-mail taped to my front door, left on my car and placed on the NeighborGoodies Table itself, which is now under 24 hour surveillance it seems. People are swarming in the laundry room, screaming at me as I wait for the elevators while throwing eggs and feces at my upper body and torso. This is no way to live.

Who knew that insinuating that most of your neighbors are murderers would make them all kinds of cranky? They're beyond pissed, saying I've been making fools of them for too long, and so, on this April day, it ends: Out of fear for my life (One person threatened to beat me into a diabetic coma) I will begin packing immediately.

But one thing's for sure... I won't be putting any of my unwanted items on that table.

Good Day, Fools.