G. Grilled... and hold the Special Sauce

Today's collection of nonsense includes this copy of the Flirting With Disaster soundtrack:


The movie was pretty hilarious, but I was unaware of its soundtrack until discovering it upon the Neighborgoodies table. It's got tracks by Cake, Urge Overkill and Southern Culture on the Skids mixed in with lines of dialog from the movie itself. Harmless enough...except that Track 3 is a song by G-Dammed G. Love and the Philly Cartel. . .apparently the Special Sauce even needed some time away from him at this point.

I know there are G. Love fans out there (Dave) and I simply don't understand. I'm sure he's a very nice guy, but, as I've said many times: G. Love needs a Glove right in the mouth.

Perhaps he will stop singing if we push him face down in this George Foreman Grill . . .

. . .because Lord knows, I wouldn't want to actually use this greasy, grimy item to cook any food.


Again....I don't want any food prep device of any kind that wasn't factory sealed when I took it into my luxurious apartment in the Hollywood Hills.

If anyone dared to cook anything in this. they might Perish. . .

. . .Twice!

Which would be nice...if they were G. Love.

Paging Mrs. King. . .

This demonic straw scarecrow terrifies me. If I saw this at a friend's home, I would throw up and die right there in their living room. Who the crap is going into AC Moore, looking this beast in its beady little eyes and saying: "Yes, I want this for my home." The fact that it was residing in my laundry room is just horrifying to me. The thing could have climbed up the elevator shaft and killed many!

Let's have a closer look at the messages this demon is trying to convey:


Things like "Share the Harvest" and "Welcome!" and "Pumpkin Patch" adorn this nightmare, in an effort to distract you from its eyes and shady grin, which scream "KILL! KILL! KILL!"

Luckily, I snapped a picture of this straw killer just before the apartment maintenance guy threw it away. I wanted to tell him that he should burn the thing, for it's the only way to truly destroy it...but he doesn't really speak a lot of English, and I didn't want to frighten him any more than he already was.

Instead, I asked him if he was tossing it in the trash. He told me yes, that he has to clean this table almost every day. He seemed annoyed by it...but maybe he was just irritated by my almost accusatory tone. (Yes--that thing is terrifying...but he's upsetting the fragile eco-system of the NeighborGoodies table!)

That's So Rave-n

Over the weekend, there was a box left on the NeighborGoodies table. . .


. . .and inside of it was a complete life...someone was obviously giving up their Raver Lifestyle in exchange for a Luxurious Life in the Hollywood Hills.

First, there's the black dress and lipstick for the lady to wear to her rave. . .

. . .because clearly you want used lipstick...especially when it's likely laced with ecstasy.

There's also this hilariously kitschy tie for your raver boyfriend to wear. . .

. . .which will look good when combined with this awesome N Sync bandanna!

And what rave would be complete without a glowstick??

This one lasts for 12 green hours! But if you don't want to half-ass your raving....then what you really need is. . .the Flash-it!


Because you need to "Start a Flashing Frenzy!!!"

I couldn't find any info on this product, other than what's on the package. It hails from London's Harrods Department Store. . .


. . .and it's Not A Toy. . .


I love that they covered up the tiny baby with the slash through it to make sure everyone knows that the Flash-it is not only not for infants, but it's not for any children at all! With Great Frenzies come Great Responsibilities, I guess.

And of course, no Rave would be complete without the fire department showing up and kicking everyone out for overcrowding:




What kind of person has all of this in one house? Those seedy raver kids, that's who! Damned kids and their....raves. Get off my lawn!

What? I'm tired. . .

What The World Needs Now. . ..

Today's NeighborGoodie is a booklet from a production called "Blame It On Bacharach," which was staged over the weekend in LA.

To those of you who are, somehow unfamiliar with the Genius that is Burt Bacharach. . .


. . .shame on you! He wrote pretty much every song you've ever heard in your life, some of which are listed on the front cover of this booklet:

I tried to look for some information on this show, but mainly all I could find was this:

The 24th Annual Southland Theatre Artists Goodwill Event–S.T.A.G.E–will present "Blame It On Bacharach!" a celebration of the magic that is composer Burt Bacharach.

Great...but it doesn't really explain what this show is. I dug a little deeper and discovered:

Stage, screen and recording stars will sing and dance in Blame It On Bacharach!, a special concert saluting legendary pianist and composer Burt Bacharach and benefiting AIDS Project L.A. programs and services.

There were dozens of celebs scheduled to perform the many hits of Burt, including:

• Mary Jo Catlett (who replaced Charlotte Rae as the Drummond's maid on Diff'rent Strokes during the rough Dixie Carter years)
• Nancy Dussault (Ted Kinght's wife from Too Close For Comfort)
• Marilu Henner (of Taxi fame)
• Stefanie Powers (of Hart to Hart--which was brought back as a series of TV Movies in the 90s. Who knew??)

These people, paired up with Burt Bacharach's music, must have been quite show. I wonder if Burt was there, accepting whatever it is these people are blaming on him...

Anyway, here are some clips of Burt himself for you to enjoy. . .

First up, here's his Geico commercial, where I'm pretty sure he's drunk. . .




And here's an amazing background look at an interview with Burt Bacharach--where I'm pretty sure everyone involved is drunk:



And finally, here is a video of one of his songs being played on someone's record player.



Because that's not a massive misuse of technology at all. (this guy has the ability to digitally shoot and edit something on his computer, yet some how MP3s have escaped him.)

Anyway. . .here's to Wishin & a-Hopin...that you've enjoyed today's NeighborGoodie! I'll be back soon with more...'Cuz That's What Friends Are For. . .

blam.

I need a drink.

Wet Pets (and other things that blow)

Today, we’re going to play Guess the NeighborGoodie!

Upon first seeing this attachment. . .

…you’d be correct to think that perhaps this is some sort of vacuum cleaner. But then you see this filthy thing attached to it. . . .


. . .and you realize that anything this dirty couldn’t possibly be used to clean anything.

So what is this disgusting item?

Why, it’s the Bubble Spa by Homedics!

It turns any bathtub into a Bubble Spa with Thousands of Tiny Bubbles! The sticker on the front indicates this product has been seen on TV, which generally is code for "Infomercial!” And you just know it features clumsy people nearly perishing by trying to turn their bathtubs into Jacuzzis.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a video of it, so I went right to the Homedics web site, which features dozens of products for your home spa—some of which have been “featured in television and radio commercials nationwide.” Wow! Commercials! On radio and television! How fancy! I’ll take two of everything!

Unfortunately, the Bubble Spa is nowhere to be found on their web site, which is filled with images of people relaxing--none of whom seem to be anywhere near any of the HoMedics litany of useless products.

A quick glance at the Bubble Spa on the As Seen On Tv web site sadly reveals that this product is no longer available.

There seem to be a lot of Bubble Spas for sale on Craigs List all throughout the country, which may indicate a general failure of the quality of this product. But I think this anonymous review on infomercialads.com, entitled “Great For a Bird Bath” sums it up best:

I've had this spa mat for two years now and not only is it loud, but the bubbles are way too strong for relaxing (even on the low setting). Your limbs get knocked all over the place and, if you attempt to read a book with it on, it will certainly get wet. I was planning on returning it until I discovered my parrot absolutely loves it and constantly attempts to visit her 'friend' in the bathroom. Her favorite activity is to sit on my shoulder with hardly any water in the tub (since she's clumsy) and this thing going on full blast, sounds pretty fun right? So although I would probably only give it two stars, it gets an extra one just for the sheer bath-time listening pleasure it provides for birds. (If I may have seriously sold you on this for your parrot, make sure you get the one without heat, no reason to take the chance of Teflon on the poor creatures- mine is the older version). Also, the mat is hard to clean if it's not kept meticulously dry.

Thank you, Crazy Bird Lady, for your perspective. I can’t help but wonder if the woman who wrote this review lives across the hall from me. She seems like the type who would have a house full of "clumsy" birds that she systematically drowns in this Bubble Spa. The first bird-murder may have been an accident, what with her limbs being knocked all over the place and all…but I feel like she’s the type who loved the feeling of power. She likely continued to buy parakeets at the local pet shop until the shopkeeps figured out her scheme and put a lifetime ban on her. And once the birds were gone, why keep the evidence?

Or maybe she just got rid of it because it was filthy:



Gross. Put “other people’s soap scum” on the list of things I don’t ever want to see on the NeighborGoodies Table again. Or is that bird poo? hmm...

Hep Catfish

We have some pretty sweet NeighborGoodies today:


This HP Deskjet 812C is an inkjet printer which, according to the sign, works fine and just needs ink! It also needs a computer from before Y2k so you can hook it up with this Parallel Cable:


The printer also comes complete with a sticker from kerouac.com, which bills itself as "The Ultimate Source For All Your Beat Generation Needs." I didn't even know I had Beat Generation Needs! Thank goodness for this printer! Perhaps the note indicating that the printer is free and needs ink is actually a beat poem. (I'm hep. I can recognize these things.)

The next item up on the NeighborGoodies table is this confusing thing:


With the words "Baby Pellet" highlighted in yellow, I couldn't figure out what the hell this was. At first, I thought it was maybe some sort of additive for baby formula left over from the other day. . . But then, as I examined the back, amongst the ingredients. . .

. . .I discovered this phrase:


As I poked around the web site, I discovered that this is actually some sort of Japanese fish food. (It's not for Japanese fish...it's just a food product from Japan for fish of all nationalities. . .)

The web has things like this on it:



Both of which seem to belong over at engrish.com.

I guess used fish food isn't nearly as nasty as used baby food...but as far as I'm concerned, it's still suspect. Especially since this NeighborGooder suddenly has no use for it. Fish Murderer.

NeighborGrillies

I am definitely not thrilled with the amount of food-related NeighborGoodies that have been left behind lately. No one wants to eat your used Baby Formula and no one wants to cook their food in your used... anything!

This dirty-assed Electric Grill is no exception:

It looks as if this thing was in the middle of a construction site feeding fat dirty guys for four months before being relegated to the NeighborGoodies Warehouse.



Luckily, it is was paired with this vacuum cleaner. . .


. . .which includes handy attachments to suck up the dust, dirt and grime from your new grill.

Now all you need is someone to do the cooking and cleaning for you, and you've got yourself a pretty successful household!

Formula for Nastiness

I am definitely not okay with today's Neighborgoodies. There have been some dirty, gross items left behind.... but these might just be the most offensive so far. First up. . .


. . .we have three OPENED tins of Baby Formula! Because you definitely want to feed your precious newborn from discarded, used containers of food. I don't have any kids, but I imagine if I did, I wouldn't be too eager to feed my child something I found in my laundry room.

Each of these containers has a different baby formula. The yellow can contains Enfamil Lipil with Iron! It is their "closest formula to breast milk." The only thing that could be more inappropriate than canned baby food is perhaps a bottle of fresh breast milk on the NeighborGoodies table.

The Pink Similac container is the "Isomil Advance soy formula" which is "for fussiness, gas and spit-up." Perhaps I need a dose of this myself, for I am fussy and want to spit up due to the nature of this next set of Neighborgoodies:

Valued readers, I present you with not one, but two. . .USED BIKINIS:





These two-piece blue floral used bikinis are just the bottom of the NeighborGoodies barrel. (Well, at least I hope they are. . .) What is the thought process here? God only knows what sort of funk these things are housing...especially if either of these were worn in the nasty jacuzzi that was just installed in the back of the building. (Seriously--it really is Luxury Living in the Hollywood Hills here.)

As the weather gets nicer here in LA, I'm terrified that I am going to see one of my Neighbors wearing these bikinis around the building and spit up all over them.

Maybe these bikinis will bring them luck. Perhaps they will be out sunbathing by the pool one day, and one of the desperate actor-y neighbors who lives in the building will find the lady quite fetching. They'll begin a whole new life together as one, all because she took a used bikini off the NeighborGoodies table. And before long, they'll have a beautiful baby together...Hopefully, she took the baby formula as well.

I'm feeling a little colicky.