By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Dead Lightly (or: Lightly Assaulted)

I often talk about the murderers who roam the halls of this Luxurious Hollywood Hills apartment building, but it seems as though there are some of you (you know who you are) who, for one reason or another, still believe that I am delusional; that I do not live among killers.

To those naysayers, I say: Ha! Today, you will believe, for I have found indisputable proof that I live in constant danger in order to provide you with the hilariousness that is NeighborGoodies.

Here, to the untrained eye, we have what seems to be ordinary desk lamp:

A harmless illuminator that, for some reason, outlived its usefulness to its previous owner. I'm sure it was just someone redecorating his home office during this Halloween season--a season of KILLERS and FRIGHT and CANDY CORN! (But mainly those first two things...)

As you can clearly see by the haphazard way this red lamp has been strewn onto the Big Blue Table, along with this second...

...broken & smashed lamp, a massive, violent and, yes, tragic struggle ensued during the NeighborGoodies drop-off process.

As I've said, murderin' is nothing new here in this building--but generally, the evidence is placed on the NeighborGoodies Table after the crime. This is the first time (at least to my knowledge) that the Table itself also doubled as the crime scene.

It's obvious that when the killer struck, he or she used the green lamp to bludgeon the victim repeatedly about the head, neck and torso before strangling him with its cord. I'm sure the victim reached for a chard of the light bulb that had been used to initially stun him, hoping to cut the cord being used to choke him, or at least cut the mofo that was attacking him.

Unfortunately, the killer had the upper hand and eventually, our NeighborGooder perished--his limp body no doubt dragged off to his murderer's lair--which could be located within any one of over one hundred apartments in the building. Of the two witnesses that were left behind...

...only one of them is outfitted with a set of eyes.

I'd offer to interrogate the stuffed cow (who has turned red with the blood that was clearly spilled on that fateful day) but, well, the lamp is broken. And you can't have an interrogation without a lamp. That's just ridiculous.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Pink is the New NoOneCares

Judging by today's NeighborGoodies, I'm wondering if Hollywood is finally starting to banish one of its worst creations: The Celebutante. You know--the heiresses who are "famous for being famous." The ones who wear giant stupid sunglasses, drunk drive into things and then basically wander the streets in a drugged-out haze while carrying their tiny suicidal dogs until someone takes their photo so everyone can blog about it with "hilarious" captions.

Among the items you might see these hideous creatures carrying are this bright pink triangular purse...
...and its matching water bottle:
Trust me, ladies: We know where your mouths have been; we've seen the videotapes...

...although chances are the vodka you've filled this bottle with has probably killed 99% of the infections living on your diseased lips.

So perhaps the Celebutantes in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills are fading from favor at long last... or at least overcoming their obsession with Pepto Bismol colored accessories.

For the record, green also seems to be "out," judging by these mismatched shoes no one would be caught dead in:

Please take note, you real life "Mean Girls" (or "Heathers," if you're from the 80's): No one wants your used pink water bottle and no one wants your dirty used green shoes.

Especially since they're nowhere near as awesome as mine:


And to those of you still reading celebrity gossip blogs: These horrible people won't go away if you keep giving them attention. Look away! Or I will kick your ass with my awesome shoes!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Beauty is in the Eye of the Needle

With the right tools, there's no telling what a budding artist can make.

A print like "Suburban Refuge," for example...
...doesn't just happen. The artist must be inspired by the things around him. Monte Dolack was clearly moved by the alarming amount of bird poop in his bathroom, which lead him to create what he's best known for: The "Invader Series" of prints, which are comprised of "wild animals wreaking havoc in human homes." Most people would just invest in a window for the gaping hole that was clearly in his bathroom. But like all great artists, Monte thought outside the box!

This specific print, complete with its sun-bleached appearance and cheap, cracked frame is a perfect addition to "art-up" any home--especially one in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills! And I bet it's big enough to block any holes that fowl may be using to fly in from outside!

But not every artist is as prolific or talented as Mr. Dolack, and not every artist can create such beauty using images. No, each person must find their own muse and their own instruments to create art. Some use music, others use words (Hey! Maybe I'm an artist! Why not?!) and there are the precious few that can use...

...balls of yarn about the size of your head.

Unless there's a giant kitty chasing you, there are probably only two real practical uses for this alarming amount of yarn: Knitting an extremely large sweater, or crafting tens of thousand scarves.

To be fair, it's getting cooler outside, and with this yarn's Fall foliage-inspired browns, yellows and reds, it seems like now is the perfect time to begin creating your own clothing!

And for some extra pizazz, you could even use the "Embellish-Knit!"

Embellish-Knit is some sort of sewing gadget that adds fanciness to whatever it is you're trying to put together, allowing you to unleash your inner Fashion Designer.

Due to the fact that I neither sew, nor care about sewing, I can't really be bothered to tell you any more about this instrument. But here's what I do know: Not everyone should be making their own clothes...

I for one am glad that whoever designed the above monstrosity immediately surrendered their yarn and Knit-cheater, before even attempting to craft sleeves onto it.

And yes: I know that all forms of art are subjective... but I'm sure we can all agree that this thing is made of ugly. I'd rather wear the bathroom rug after Dolnack's pigeons are done with it.

Come to think of it, they do look kind of similar...

Hmm...guess I could be an artist after all!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Hello Potty

Hello Kitty seems to rear her cute little head a lot here on the NeighborGoodies Table. There were the matching wallet & cap from October 2008...

...not to mention the Hello Kitty Notebook paper from July of this year...

...and who could forget Shamu's Hello Kitty pencil case, left just a few weeks ago:

All are adorable, but none can match the angelic sight of these Hello Kitty shower curtain holders:

I found these kitty-heads lined up in formation on the Big Blue Table, as if someone was trying to start a Cute Parade, or maybe an Adorable Army. This is interesting because up until now, no NeighborGooder has ever seemed to think that presentation was all that important when getting rid of their trash.

As you know, my policy on bathroom-related NeighborGoodies is pretty much set in stone: "If it was near the grout, throw it out." (As opposed to everyone else in this building, who thinks "If it was on the tile, add it to the pile..." or "If it's mired in poo, more for you!") Generally, I think my rule is a good one. However--and this will come as a shock to long-time NeighborGoodies readers:

I think these Hello Kitty shower curtain rings might actually be OK in my book.

I guess presentation really does matter: The line-up of kitty-heads with their pink little bows and big adorable eyes are awfully hard to resist. Just look at them, standing there at attention, waiting for their orders. Sure, they'll likely stab you with the giant hooks coming out of their charming little heads, but at least they'll be just darling when they do it.

The shower curtain itself, however...

...I could probably do without.

My theory was proven when, as I was putting my clothes in the dryer (yes, I was actually using the NeighborGoodies Room to do laundry...) a couple came by and scooped up these kitties. The woman was talking about a child of one of their friends who was "obsessed" with Hello Kitty. She described the girl's bedroom as being "pink and adorable." As they got on the elevator with their armloads of cat-heads, the man looked down at the faces staring up at him and muttered: "terrifying."

I'm sure they've been killed by the Kitty Death Army by now, but they did do one smart thing: They left the shower curtain.