By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Friday, June 27, 2008


When I was a kid, the summers always meant one thing: Reruns! But now with year-round programming by most of the networks, the summer reruns are a thing of the past....except here on the NeighborGoodies table!

I present to you the first NeighborGoodies Rerun!

Sharp-eyed readers will note that this anonymous painting was featured in the February 20, 2008 edition of NeighborGoodies. In the first DoubleNeighborGoodie Event in Recorded History, this painting has found its way back to the NeighborGoodies table!

What is it about this painting that drives each of its owners away? I'm no art critic, but I think it may be the fact that the fiery red section in the middle that makes people feel like they are descending into hell. Clearly, it's a representation of living in this shitass building. luxury.

I imagine the artist lives in the building and left it on the NeighborGoodies table in February to try to gain the satisfaction of knowing their art is hanging in someone's Luxurious Apartment here in the Hollywood Hills. "I'm just trying to get my art out there, man," I imagine him saying.

Upon seeing their beloved painting's return to the NeighborGoodies table, the original artist may have given up on art altogether, judging by these supplies that were also left on the table:

Although I'm pretty sure they couldn't have painted anything with a makeup pencil, a rock and whatever is inside that container at the top, they might very well have used this Styrofoam Mary Kay makeup palette to house their paints:

Of course...the painting could be a forgery--a cheap knockoff of the original piece of NeighborGoodies art.

Hmmm....but probably not.

Monday, June 23, 2008

A Place for Tiny Stuff

Luxury has apparently taken a holiday in the Hollywood Hills, as the elevators are broken again. Actually, the proper sentence might be: "The elevators are broken. Still....even though they somehow charged the residents forty grand to fix them less than a year ago." But I digress.

With the elevators being the easiest way to access the NeighborGoodies table, people have been utilizing it less and less. When they do drop stuff off, it's usually small--something that can be carried in the palm of your hand. Something such as...

. . .a Palm Pilot! But not just any Palm! No--this is 1999's classic Palm V! Imagine! All of your contacts and email at your fingertips! Well...actually, all of a NeighborGooder's contacts and email at your fingertips! But who doesn't want to read the email of people living in luxury? I know I do--especially if it's available to me with all the glory of pre-y2k technology!

Also up for the taking is this zip drive...

...which will be especially handy when archiving your list of ancient technological artifacts.

Other tiny things on the table include this container:

This tiny bowl with a teensy lid is about the size of the palm of my hand, and seems like it is designed to hold approximately forty cents in change, some paper clips... and maybe Lily Tomlin.

We've also got this square tin container. . .

...featuring, for some reason, a picture of the Virgin Mary. I can't really think of any conceivable use for this item...but it does have a lid!

Of course, I also thought this used dog toy was useless:

I mean...who wants an old, chewed dog toy? This thing could have been in any filthy mutt's maw--including the apartment manager's! (Which, for the record, is nastier than her dogs' mouths. Hey-o!)

But immediately after I secretly took this picture, Elvis, the best puppy in the building, came in with his owner, who snapped the ball right up. Elvis didn't seem to mind one bit, and the NeighborGoodies Table has once again served its purpose of Stuff Transference.

In other news, you have probably heard by now that George Carlin, one of our greatest comedians, has died. I don't need to tell you how hilarious this guy was, or how inspiring his comedy was to me. Instead, I'll leave you with this piece of classic Carlin, which seems oddly appropriate for NeighborGoodies:

RIP, George Carlin. If you need a place for your stuff...feel free to utilize the Big Blue Table!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Luxury Sleeping in the Hollywood Hills

First off, I must report that I am a fool.

Ok, maybe "report" isn't the right word. "Remind" might be more accurate. Nevertheless, I'm an idiot.

Last week, the NeighborGoodies Table featured this object:

I couldn't identify this (apparently) common household item. All I could tell from its label is that it was "Cracked Glass." Luckily, the NeighborGoodies Fanatics are a little bit smarter than I. My friend Heather (With the Weather) from Philly (yo!) emailed me. Her letter read, "I can't tell for sure, but I believe that you do know that thing is a paper towel holder."

I imagine if she was speaking these words to me in person, they would carry the same tone someone might use when I am stricken with dementia in my old age. (Of course, I'll be dying alone, so no one will be speaking to me then. But I digress. . .)

After getting several other comments on this piece (fancy Toilet Paper holder, bizarro hat rack, etc.) I felt the need to take a second look at this disaster and I've come to the conclusion that Heather might be right. I think the hideous cracked glass comes off, allowing you to place your paper towels on it in your fancy post-modern kitchen. Clearly, I wouldn't recognize something this classy, since my own paper towels rest comfortably on the counter in this:

No, she wasn't found on the NeighborGoodies table. She was found at a flea market by my friend Jessica a few years ago, and she was a welcome part of my own personal Luxury Life in the Hollywood Hills.

Speaking of Luxurious Living. . .we've got what might be the most Luxurious NeighborGoodie Ever! Feast your eyes on THIS:

Oh. Did I type "luxurious?" I meant to type "FUCKING FILTHIEST." This used mattress was left out on the NeighborGoodies table over the weekend.

There have been some dirty, dirty NeighborGoodies, but this thing definitely takes it.

This torn mattress is, I imagine, full of vermin, dust mites and possibly even bed bugs. "And urine," my friend Mary B. helpfully adds.

Who is living in Luxury in the Hollywood Hills, thinking "Damn! I wish I had a twin mattress with some knife holes and urine stains in it!"

Only the people who utilize the NeighborGoodies table. Which is why we never take anything from it.

Friday, June 13, 2008

The Incredible Shrinking NeighborGoodies

I've noticed a trend on the NeighborGoodies table this week: For some reason, there has been a record number of small Goodies being left... Perhaps a very tiny person has just moved in!

First up, there's this little teapot. . .

. . .both short and stout!

If your tiny cup of tea is too hot (Careful!) you can use this red rubber ice tray to make skinny (but very long) ice...well, "cubes" isn't the right sticks? That doesn't sound right. . .

Whatever the nomenclature, skinny-but-long icy-matter is perfect for any small parties you may be hosting. And, of course, you'll want to look your best. Luckily, there are these two compact, well. . .Compacts from Mary Kay. . .

. . .complete with instructions! I had initially intended to make fun of how silly it seems that you'd need instructions to open a compact, but then I had to refer to them, because I couldn't figure it out on my own. Bah.

All those tiny NeighborGoodies are all great...but this tiny sweater is, by far, my favorite...

You'll definitely want to click on that picture to see this thing in all its hideous, hi-res glory.

It looks to be a homemade baby sweater depicting Santa Claus riding on his sleigh, which is being led by some sort of ascot-wearing moose/reindeer hybrid. Santa, meanwhile, is happily donning some sort of Russian hat and appears to be delivering some eggs and an American flag to some lucky boy or girl.

It looks to me like the sweater, in its initial incarnation, was maybe too small for the baby--perhaps it took longer than anticipated for Grandma to knit, or perhaps Junior came out much bigger than anyone imagined possible. And so, having run out of blue yarn, the green sections at the bottom and on the collar were hastily stitched on by Granny in an attempt to save the sweater.

No word yet on what the three errant wooden buttons are doing on the sweater's left shoulder.

Did I mention that the reindeer is wearing an ascot?

That thing is nothing short of amazing...and it goes perfect with these baby-sized Chococat Suspenders!

I'm not sure what sort of child this kid will grow up to be. .but I'm pretty sure it's not going to be pretty.

And finally, who wants some mini 3 Musketeers bars. . .

. . .which are still housed in their original Easter Basket? Hi, Easter was two months ago.

The "Don't Take Candy From Strangers" rule is doubly important here on the NeighborGoodies Table because:
A: It's stale.

and B: You certainly wouldn't want to risk eating something left by the woman who knitted that sweater, would you? Because, clearly, she's dangerous.

Of course, if there were Rolos in this basket, I likely would not be complaining. But that's neither here nor there.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Move Over, Father Dowling.

Someone is unloading an assload of mystery novels. But not just your standard workaday mystery novels! No, sir...they are, in fact. . .

. . .the Best Mysteries of All Time!

The book Above Suspicion bears the Best Mysteries moniker, and was written by Helen MacInnes in 1939. It is not to be confused with the movie of the same name, in which Christopher Reeves played a paralyzed cop. Oddly, that movie hit theaters six days before his infamous horse-riding accident. Coincidence. . .or one of the Best Mysteries of All Time? YOU decide.

Also bearing the mysterious seal of approval:

. . .A novel entitled Friday the Rabbi Slept Late.

Apparently this is the first in a series of Rabbi Mystery novels...the titles of which seem to beg for you to grab a child's toes as you rattle them off:

Saturday, The Rabbi Went Hungry.
Sunday, The Rabbi Stayed Home.
Monday, The Rabbi Took Off.

Tuesday, The Rabbi Saw Red.

Wednesday, The Rabbi Got Wet.

Thursday, The Rabbi Walked Out.
Next Friday, The Rabbi Went Wee-Wee-Wee-Wee All The Way Home!

Ok, I made that last one up, but the rest are real. It seems as though the Rabbi is getting crankier as the week goes on, and the rest of the books in the series indicate that things don't get easier for our Holy Detective Hero.

Having run out of weekdays, the Rabbi looks to the future and considers retirement in Someday, The Rabbi Will Leave. Yet another novel finds the good Rabbi swapping religious beliefs in a Freaky-Friday style romp with a Catholic Priest in One Fine Day, The Rabbi Bought a Cross.

The Final Pair of Rabbi books: The Day the Rabbi Resigned and The Day the Rabbi Left Town, indicate that being a Detective Rabbi isn't all its cracked up to be. No word on whether any of these titles made the Best Mysteries of All Time list.

The other books on the NeighborGoodies table don't bear the Best Mysteries Seal of approval and, therefore, are clearly inferior:

Patricia Cornwell's At Risk, which sounds like a Lifetime TV Movie. And. . .

. . .a collection of "Four Exciting Mysteries!" Two of which sound like they are porn. (I'll let you decide which ones.)

Also on the table is this. . .

At first, I thought it was a reading lamp. I wondered if one of my Neighbors had given up literacy altogether by surrendering both books and bedtime lighting to the Table. But then I realized that while this may look like a lamp, there is no electrical cord attached. Also...that thing on top isn't even a light bulb. It's just...a thing. So what could this object be? Some sort of solar powered enigma? A device from another planet? A Murder Weapon??

This, too, was shaping up to be one of the Best Mysteries of All Time! Using my own sleuthing techniques (proudly learned from growing up watching Scooby Doo) I found this tag on the bottom of the object:
This labels calls it "Crackled Glass" and judging from the crossed-out price, I'm guessing this was given as a gift to one of the NeighborGooders. I deduce that the object didn't ever make it to the recipient's apartment. We can also assume that whoever the Gifter was, is probably not welcome into the Giftee's home anymore. Really, the only unsolved mystery here is: Why the crap anyone would buy this thing in the first place? Especially as a present.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Mop N Glow

My lovely sister and I were in this hell hole building Luxurious Apartment Building in the Hollywood Hills, and and we saw a Neighbor step on to the elevator holding this:

After expressing surprise that the elevators were even working, my sister said "that's gonna wind up on that table. . ." And sure enough, when walked down into the laundry room later that day, there it was, in all its filthy, moppy glory.

Later, when I came back to snap some photos, there were a bunch of new NeighborGoodies on the table, along with a terrible odor. This isn't really that unusual, considering the filth that plagues the apartments here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills, but this time, it was different... it seemed almost. . . mean!

I knew it wasn't the mop, because it didn't smell bad before. Plus, mops, no matter how good they claim to be at removing tough stains, aren't often used to clean up the scents of death and desperation, so they are unlikely to absorb it.

I also ruled out the used spaghetti strainer. . .

. . .as this somehow looks to be the cleanest thing that's been on the table in quite some time.
Of course...there's a pretty good chance it was cleaned using that mop, so I wouldn't go using it during your dinner parties quite yet.

I also wouldn't recommend using this:

. . .an old-school microwave oven, that is about the size of a standard television, and is clearly leaking radiation whenever it is in use. Possibly even when it isn't in use. I knew this had to be the culprit. Something awful was waiting inside of the Microwave. . .something heinous. . .and possibly severed & bloody.

I slowly opened the microwave. . .

. . .and discovered that, as strong as the odor was in the NeighborGoodies Laundry Room, it was fifteen times as strong inside of the microwave chamber.

These stains are all that is left of whatever was in there...but the laundry room quickly filled with the acrid odor of Hot Pockets, gas station burritos, and what may or may not be burnt flesh--likely from the radiation poisoning the previous owner has suffered. All of these olfactory offenses immediately clung to my clothes, which I'm seriously considering donating to the NeighborGoodies cause.

The lesson here is: Don't open up discarded microwaves. And that's. . . one to grow on.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

NeighborGoodies Pop Quiz!

Do you think these people are. . .

A: The first images of missing children (and their abductor) ever to be featured on the back of a milk carton?

B: The Best Album Cover Ever?

C: NeighborGooders who have been happily donating to the table since the 1960s?

Answer now!

Done?'s question two on our quiz!

Are these people:

A: The distraught parents of the missing children from above?

B: Former "Man on the Street" characters from The Onion?

C: The Worst Ad Ever for

This quiz is brought to you by Right & Reason, Ethics in Theory and Practice:

Now available at your local NeighborGoodies table!

OK, pencils down, kids!

If you answered "C" to the above questions, you couldn't be more wrong!

Actually, these images are all from one of the Best NeighborGoodies Ever:

Psychology: A Scientific Study in Human Behavior (4th Edition), is a 1975 Psych textbook that has everything you could ever need on the front cover. And when you turn it over. . .

. . .it has even more!!

I wonder where the people who graced this textbook's cover are now. I imagine the kid on the front . . .

. . . is likely doing time for systematically hunting down and murdering everyone else on the cover, after going crazy when he learned his parents sold his photo for display on a book about crazies.

Perhaps the authors, Wrightsman and Sanford, can study the human behavior around the NeighborGoodies table. Because clearly, it is a fascinating subculture.

I'm a Hippie, and I approve this message!