First off, I must report that I am a fool.
Ok, maybe "report" isn't the right word. "Remind" might be more accurate. Nevertheless, I'm an idiot.
Last week, the NeighborGoodies Table featured this object:
I couldn't identify this (apparently) common household item. All I could tell from its label is that it was "Cracked Glass." Luckily, the NeighborGoodies Fanatics are a little bit smarter than I. My friend Heather (With the Weather) from Philly (yo!) emailed me. Her letter read, "I can't tell for sure, but I believe that you do know that thing is a paper towel holder."
I imagine if she was speaking these words to me in person, they would carry the same tone someone might use when I am stricken with dementia in my old age. (Of course, I'll be dying alone, so no one will be speaking to me then. But I digress. . .)
After getting several other comments on this piece (fancy Toilet Paper holder, bizarro hat rack, etc.) I felt the need to take a second look at this disaster and I've come to the conclusion that Heather might be right. I think the hideous cracked glass comes off, allowing you to place your paper towels on it in your fancy post-modern kitchen. Clearly, I wouldn't recognize something this classy, since my own paper towels rest comfortably on the counter in this:
No, she wasn't found on the NeighborGoodies table. She was found at a flea market by my friend Jessica a few years ago, and she was a welcome part of my own personal Luxury Life in the Hollywood Hills.
Speaking of Luxurious Living. . .we've got what might be the most Luxurious NeighborGoodie Ever! Feast your eyes on THIS:
Oh. Did I type "luxurious?" I meant to type "FUCKING FILTHIEST." This used mattress was left out on the NeighborGoodies table over the weekend.
There have been some dirty, dirty NeighborGoodies, but this thing definitely takes it.
This torn mattress is, I imagine, full of vermin, dust mites and possibly even bed bugs. "And urine," my friend Mary B. helpfully adds.
Who is living in Luxury in the Hollywood Hills, thinking "Damn! I wish I had a twin mattress with some knife holes and urine stains in it!"
Only the people who utilize the NeighborGoodies table. Which is why we never take anything from it.
2 comments:
Ah, a paper towel holder--I can see it. Just ridiculously fancy.
And you forgot to add that the mattress was folded, which is the ideal way to store it and doesn't break whatever structure it may still have.
That's actually the voice I tend to use on my two year old, but I bet a visit from the ghost of Christmas Future would prove it to be the one Lucas has to look forward to in 40 years.
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