By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Dress Your Man

First of all, I want to thank the folks over at Scrap Smack for giving NeighborGoodies a shout-out. Welcome, scrap-bookers! I hope you enjoy your stay here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills!

Now, on with the Goodies:

Today, we find a copy of "Dressing the Man You Love: A Woman's Guide to Purchasing, Coordinating and Caring for His Classic Wardrobe." I'm surprised the Big Blue Table didn't collapse under the weight of the title alone.

According to the website, this book is a "well-organized, non intimidating resource," and was written by Betsy Durkin Matthes, who had a role in a bunch of episodes of the 60's TV Series "Dark Shadows." Since then, she's become some sort of 'lyricist' and, I assume, a woman who obsessively nagged her husband about his wardrobe until he went insane and she wrote a book.

Judging only by what was accompanying the book on the NeighborGoodies Table, I'm a little unnerved by what Betsy might be suggesting you put on your put-upon husband:

Whoever had this book was clearly trying to get her husband to dress like a drag queen...

...often using items she found right here on The NeighborGoodies Table:

That turquoise terrycloth fiasco and those hot pink high heels once belonged to a girl named Samantha, who left them on the NeighborGoodies Table way back in April:

Just so we're all on the same page: These outfits were questionable at best when Samantha bought them new. After she wised up and abandoned them, they were claimed by another resident in the building, kept for eight months, then re-discarded. I wonder if Samantha ever saw her Turquoise Traveling Pants and Pink glass-sided hooker shoes wandering the halls of the apartment building again. And I wonder if they were on some poor guy whose wife started dressing him after reading Betsy's book.


The only way it could be worse is if he was wearing those heels, those pants and....

...a "Get Crunk" tank top. I can just picture New-Samantha coming home one night completely crunked out of her head, taking off that tank top and placing it on her boyfriend while she sloppily slurs her way through a passage in Betsy's book.

Once Drunky passed out in a pile of clothes and vomit, her guy carefully grabbed what he could from beneath her, snuck downstairs and placed the items in question on the NeighborGoodies Table, starting with Betsy's book... figuring (correctly) that she'll never remember what went on that night. If he can keep her away from the laundry room for a couple of days until these items disappear again, he'll be home free! And if not... one of them will be homeless.

In conclusion: Never trust a former actor. Especially for fashion, marital or career advice.


InALittleMinute said...

Classicly Hilarious, thanks again for the laugh.

Tammy Kushnir said...

Very funny:)