For Blowing NOSES Only

Yesterday, NeighborGoodies celebrated its second year in existence. And, as if to commemorate this milestone, the following item was left on the Big, Blue Table:

This seemingly innocent-looking cardboard box features a wacky font announcing its contents:

"Ahh," I thought, "Create your own tissue box! A craft project! How exciting!"

I've got friends who knit things that will cover your tissues and toilet paper rolls, but I've never seen an actual "kit" to create my own. Curious, I reached inside to see what might be included in such a kit.

We will forever refer to that moment as "Mistake #1 of 2010."

. . .

Let me be clear about this: In the two years that I've been doing this little project--not to mention the nearly-eight years I've been Living in Luxury in these Hollywood Hills--a NeighborGoodie has never made me actually scream out loud before. Until this.

Don't get me wrong, there have most certainly been some frightening things left on this table, but none--no matter how dirty--have made me have such a visceral reaction as the item I pulled from this box.

Are you ready to see your "Create Your Own Tissue Box" kit?

Because this is what I found:


Every time I look at this photo, my mind just wants to shut down. It is terror in its absolute purest form.

I pulled this accursed object out of the box, screamed as I threw it down on to the Big Blue Table and quickly snapped a photo of it before running away. I briefly considered alerting the authorities, but then I realized I hadn't wiped my fingerprints from it.

I thought, "Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it's not as offensive as I think it is." A few hours later, I received a call from the NeighborGoodies Ally--the one guy in the building who knows about this project. He was calling to tell me to get downstairs immediately to snap some photos of this, and I'm quoting now, "baby gl*ry h*le."

Perhaps I wasn't overreacting after all. That incredibly apt description, along with the baby's alarmingly wet chin, is just about pushing the limits as to what I can and cannot handle in this Luxurious Life.

The price tag on the item describes it as such:

"Tissue Cover Oval Mouth." Gross.

To be fair, the other items depicted on the box aren't as offensive--but they're just as creepy.

For example: Tissue Cover Clown Nose and Nerd Glasses...


...Tissue Cover Terrifying Clown Mouth...


...and, America's Favorite, Tissue Cover Possessed Pig Nose:


Not surprisingly, I had a lot of trouble finding information on this should-be-outlawed item, other than a website that sells it along with other "hilarious" items to "tickle your funny bone." Items ranging from classic fake vomit all the way up to the pun-derful "Gin & Titonic" (an ice cube tray that forms frozen water into shapes of icebergs and ships.) But none of the items had the soul-crushing terror level of these hideous products.

I did find a similar product in Japan, but somehow, it wasn't nearly as alarming:

This is the first time in history a mustache has made something less rapey.

I need to go take a shower and poke my eyes out now. Good day.