By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The Breast Things in Life Are Free

Welcome to 2010! Twenty-ten. 2kX.


Anyway, 2010 is only five days old, but it is shaping up to be the biggest year yet for NeighborGoodies! The table is bluer than ever and new neighbors are coming in and out of the building, leaving all sorts of interesting things for us to discuss. But the biggest news of all?

The Official NeighborGoodies Book Deal!™

All we need now is a publisher! And also, obviously, a book deal.

But clearly, this will be happening any moment. How could it not? NeighborGoodies has charm, wit and intrigue--all things that these so-called "actually published" books do not:

Take The Art of Sugarcraft - Pastillage & Sugar Moulding. Yeah, that's a real page turner. Can't wait to see how this one ends.

Advancements in Reading Technology will also prevent the temporarily-non-existent-NeighborGoodies book from eventually looking like this edition of The New Basics Cookbook:

You see, a coffee table book like NeighborGoodies will need to be engineered using state-of-the-art bookbinding methods in order to withstand the high level of vigorous page-turning we expect. In fact, we anticipate that the nearly-forthcoming NeighborGoodies books (volumes 1 through 8--possibly more depending on sales--but let's not get ahead of ourselves) will be named as Most-Thumbed-Through-Of-2011. This is, as I'm sure you know, the literary equivalent of an Album of the Year Grammy or a Best Screenplay Oscar.

And why would the NeighborGoodies book be given an honor as coveted as the Pubbly? Because it wouldn't slow you down with dumb things like "Plot" or "Story," like "novels" do. I'm sure you've heard of "novels"--they're the books made up almost entirely of words... not a photograph among them! Books such as...

...Ralph's Party which, for the record, is about a bunch of people living in an apartment building, many of them up to shenanigans of one sort or another.

Sound familiar? Well, don't get too excited. As I perused the reviews online, it became clear that none of the best qualities of NeighborGoodies were represented in Lisa Jewell's work. For example, there don't seem to be any murders. And life in an apartment building without murder is a lot like enjoying your job: Sure, it happens sometimes. But what are the odds? No wonder these books have been discarded onto the Big Blue Table with such haste!

Another plot-driven book available on the NeighborGoodies Table:

Ann Hood's Ruby. Ruby is about a manipulative bratty girl who is all broody and annoying. Everyone thinks she's pregnant, but based on my own opinion of this book I have not read, I think Ruby is probably just fat. Or wait... maybe I'm thinking of the Other Ruby. Whatever the case, NeighborGoodies' own tales of Teen Angst are probably much more accurate than this book's stories of unwanted teen pregnancies, widows, and, for some reason, hats.

Of course, some writers rely solely on smut to get their books published:

I, for one, would NEVER do that.

This... booby book (for lack of a better term) is simply offensive:

And that's one thing that NeighborGoodies NEVER is.

So get those book deals in today! America--NO! The World!--will thank you.

1 comment:

Ludovica said...

I dont get the point of the booby book.. that looks totally retarded. The sugar moulding one looks ok though, but the cookery book is too skanky.. who wants a cookery book someone actually used:P