By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Cheese GREATer

Over the weekend, I found another box of books....

...this one including a NeighborGoodies Rerun--The ever-popular Christian Faux-Romance Novel Rainbow's End:

Rainbow's End was initially left on the Big Blue Table in July of 2008 (read the entry here!) and I'm pretty shocked by its return over a year later. The book isn't all that thick, so the idea that it took someone 14 months to read through this not-so-steamy pile, and then re-rid themselves of it boggles my mind.

Of course, as cheesy as Christian Romance Novels may be--none are as cheesy as this:

"Say Cheese" is an amazing pamphlet put out in 1977 by the Giant Food corporation--a supermarket chain mainly on the east coast of the United States. At its core, this booklet is nothing more than Cheese Propaganda.

There are little specks of grease and other foodstuffs all over it indicating that this person not only kept her cheese booklet around for 22 years--but she kept it proudly on display in her kitchen while she cooked. And who can blame her, really? It's quite a helpful item to have around!

The tone of the booklet is set right on the first page (Just above the giant-Swiss-Cheese-fonted "Cheese - What's in it for you?" chapter heading:

"If you find the cheese counter a little confusing, you're not alone. Cheese comes in many shapes, sizes and varieties. In this booklet, we'll be talking about the nutritional value of cheese, how to read a cheese label, and how to use and store cheese at home. We hope you find this information helpful."

So--they're here to help the hapless cheese consumer. But here's a spoiler: They never actually tell you "how to use" cheese at home. Nowhere in this booklet does it say "Put in mouth, chew." There are some (three) helpful recipes, but for some reason, those all call for cottage cheese--which, as far as I'm concerned, is the bastard cousin of 'real' cheese.

We're also treated to an in-depth, clinical explanation of the differences between Natural and Processed cheeses (the answer: Enzymes from animal stomachs!)

This page gives us some disturbing "cheese labeling pointers."

This is also the same page that tells us in no uncertain terms "American cheese is never a natural cheese." We are told "it is a blend of various cheeses including Cheddar, Colby and other cheese products."

If anyone out there knows what an "Other" cheese product is, please keep it to yourself. Also: the phrase "Cheese food" that appears on the label of the bottom product is almost enough to put me off cheese altogether.


The booklet goes on to tell you what you should do if you're on a special diet to lower your fat intake, cholesterol or sodium.

Their advice? Read the labels to look for low fat, low cholesterol and low sodium cheeses. Thanks.

There's also a cheese composition table...

...a helpful section on whether or not your cheese is still good...

...and a cheese chart:

And there's much, much more. Yes--this is one of those NeighborGoodies that makes you shout to the heavens about how...GOUDA it is!


Ok, ok...sorry for the cheesy joke.

Anyway, this product is so full of awesomeness--I just couldn't resist giving you the opportunity to own it! Yes, for the first time in the History of NeighborGoodies: This item is for sale over at ebay.

Bid early, bid often! GO GO GO!

1 comment:

Ludovica said...

OK This is one to REALLY get my teeth into. Having been to the USA twice now I hhave learned one thing for SURE. Americans have no concept of dairy foods.. at all
The milk sucks, the cream is shameful and as for the cheese.....
No wonder the lady needed a booklet to tell her about cheese, must have been very important to have an instruction manual for a substance so alien
I ordered a cheese platter at an "eaterie" (ugh) in Hollywood, three American cheeses a "brie and a "bleu"

Ok well the "bleu" (pronounced "blur" not "blue", people) was easily identifiable to me as a tasty Cambozola and the brie was rather dry and dusty, but edible, but the American cheeses had all the charm of a dish washing glove and all the taste of... absolutely nothing, even cotton wool is more flavourful.. and the texture? hmm back to the rubber glove, I'm afraid.
How can such a large country, so addicted to its food be so unparticular about its dairy content? Icecream I have encountered has been over sweet, over whipped and totally over coloured and flavoured to the point of being repulsive and inedible (yes Cold Stone I am looking at YOU and your toxic creations that are so far sub the term "ice-cream" as I understand it that I feel confident it wouldnt even qualify as more than "a frozen dessert" over here.
What is it? your butter is all white and whipped up too and even the substance you refer to as "whip cream" I would scorn to serve to anyone. Cream to put on puddings should have a consistency almost that of cream cheese, butter and cheese should be yellow, not white (or orange) I dont get it...I just wish I could bring UK dairy products to you guys so you could see and taste what you're all missing out on.
Real ice cream especially.. Ben and Jerry's is icky and disgusting!

And do NOT get me started on aerosol "cream" bleurggghhhhh!