By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Jolly Green Giant

NeighborGoodies is back with a vengeance!

Ok, so maybe I wasn't completely honest last time.'s difficult to rely on neighbors to throw trash out in order to try and write about it...but it is also pretty difficult to write about things that get thrown out every morning before you wake up.

I've had a weird schedule the past few weeks, so please forgive my lack of entries. But now, I'm back on track...and I bring to you the Biggest. NeighborGoodie. Ever!

This Giant Green Futon is by far the biggest piece I've ever seen atop the NeighborGoodies table. It's doubly confusing because the same NeighborGooder left a much-less-heavy item on the ground:

This black bean bag chair weighs about an eighth of that futon, and I couldn't figure out what sort of fool would put the extra energy into putting the heavy item up on the table, rather than leaving it on the floor beneath.

But now as I look at the photos....I realize that what we're dealing with here is a Secret Genius! By placing the futon up high, they trick potential customers into thinking that perhaps this is a normal futon. However, if you look closely, you'll notice that this futon will simply rest directly on your floor, leaving the taker at a most uncomfortable angle for television viewing and/or video game play.

The Bean Bag chair is a perfect companion piece to the floor-level futon, as they both rest on the floor. Talk about Luxury Living in the Hollywood Hills indeed!

Both pieces of furniture look like they are in pretty decent shape...but don't let them fool you. In my first apartment in LA, back before there was ever a NeighborGoodies table, I bought a futon from my friend Michael. After a few weeks, it became evident that whoever spent any time on the disgusting thing had to visit a doctor. People were coming down with all sorts of conditions. They had rashes, pink eyes, and there was even an unconfirmed case of chlamydia. After the mystery funk on the futon ate through its metal frame, I finally asked Michael what the hell was up with this thing.

He replied that his friend had rubbed her. . .girlie bits all over it, and he decided to get rid of it immediately. So the lesson here? If you see a used Futon (or vagina) on a NeighborGoodies table near you, just say no.

1 comment:

Kate said...

Futons are filthy. Used futons should be incinerated.