By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Monday, July 27, 2009

Not So Great Adventure

In the current economic climate, you can leave no stone unturned when looking for a job or, heck, even a new career! And today, some NeighborGooder wants to help you in your search for the right path with...

"Adventure Careers - Your Guide to Exciting Jobs, Uncommon Occupations & Extraordinary Experiences."

I feel like the person depositing this book has maybe suffered through a long series of terrible jobs, some with unreasonable and crazy bosses. Bosses who, for example, might give notes to change a project without ever laying eyes on it, despite the weeks and weeks of work you've done. I know, I know... it sounds ridiculous, but some people are insane.

So while a new career may be in order, I'm not sure what sort of "Adventure Careers" this book is trying to sell you on. After all, along with the book, I found this Cuervo Silver necklace...
...along with some creepy boas:

So while a new career in the world's oldest profession may seem like an adventure... I think I'll stick with my current career, as full of giant nightmares as it is. Cuz at least when I get screwed at work now, I don't need to see a doctor.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Hello, Pity

There are lots of people out there who are full of untapped promise... present company excluded of course. I mean, the mere fact that you are reading these words means you are living up to your maximum potential. Kudos to you!

For the rest of the idiots, there are books like this:

While I have not personally read The Guide to Confident Living, I can pretty much guarantee that its pages are filled with lessons such as "Believing in Yourself (Even When No One Else Will)" and "Grabbing That Tiger By The Tail!!"

I'm not saying these books don't have their place. The person who bought this book was probably in a really bad place--maybe they had just gone through a nasty divorce, or the loss of a loved one. Or maybe, just maybe, they had just endured a particularly soul-crushing job that left them a little stabby, and they needed some semblance of order in their lives.

One of the lessons that are in all of these books is "Visualizing and Organizing." Generally, this is the part of the book that says if you clean up the surroundings you can control, the rest of the world will somehow magically fall into place. I, for one, encourage that behavior--After all, that's probably the number one reason people dump these objects on the NeighborGoodies Table.

In an effort to get herself together, the gal who bought this book rushed out to Staples and grabbed a shit-ton of binders:

One important lesson from the NeighborGoodies Life-Improvement Seminar: Don't lose yourself while you improve yourself!™ Our heroine made sure to hold onto her quirky, fun personality by picking up some Hello Kitty stationary to fill her three-ring binder with:

She even enrolled in classes...
...and decorated her now-empty Consulting Skills Program notebook with a little froggy sticker...
...because how else will she "Hop" to success?

How did our heroine fare?

Well, according to the level of dust on the notebooks (as well as this calendar from 2006)...

...I think it's safe to assume that maybe she's still trying to Live Confidently in the Hollywood Hills.

So I guess the lesson here is to tell your dopey friends to come and read NeighborGoodies so that they, too, can experience their Maximum Potential! After all: If you hang out with idiots, then what does that make you?

Monday, July 13, 2009

The Bold Shoulder

Well, I guess it was just a matter of time before something like this happened. Someone left their body parts on the NeighborGoodies Table. And they're not even good body parts... they're shoulders:

OK, so they're not technically shoulders, but they are, in fact, original 1980's era shoulder-pads, as made popular by the casts of Dynasty...

...Designing Women...

...and RuPaul's Drag Race.
The 80's were a weird time for a lot of reasons, not the least of which were the giant-shouldered women who invaded office buildings across the nation. Their linebacker shaped upper-bodies were meant to represent power, gusto, suffrage. These were worn by women who were finally standing up for their rights against their sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical biggot bosses. In fact, these 1987 vintage canned shoulders were so popular...

...they were even available in kids' sizes!

The label calls them "A big kids look for little kids!" I, however, call them "A new reason for big kids to beat up your kids!" I could almost understand a little latchkey girl wearing these in the 80's, trying to be like her office-bee mom--but there is a boy on this can. A BOY WITH A SKATEBOARD... As if to say "Hey! This kid's cool because he has a skateboard... and he wears shoulder pads That means you'll be rad if you wear them!!" Look, I was about as dorky as you could get in the 80's, and not even I would go anywhere near these things. If I showed up to 8th grade wearing shoulder pads, I can guarantee you there's no way in hell I would have lived to even see recess.

I opened the cans to get a better look inside and was shocked to discover that shoulder pads smell really, really bad...

...although I suspect I wouldn't smell so great if I was locked in a can for 22 years or so. I was also surprised to learn that while the adult version of the shoulder pads are made a soft, silky material, the kids' version is nothing more than little bits of foam:

If you're confused about the logistics of these shoulder pads, the adult's can of shoulder conveniently features a woman sensually showing us how to apply our new pads:
Step 1: "Lift bra strap and gently slide the flap (or under-panel) beneath the strap. Adjust pad to edge of shoulder and position comfortably."

Step 2: "Look great and feel comfortable for the rest of the day."

You'll also notice that while the other cans are from 1987, this specific brand was purchased in 1996! I think I speak for everyone when I ask: What the hell for? Shoulders had definitely deflated to a more reasonable size as soon as Paula Poundstone pointed out how silly the trend was in 1990:

I can only imagine that the NeighborGooder who owned these had been hooked on shoulder pads since her childhood in the 80's--remaining loyal to the Stay-Put brand for as long as she could until they went under due to shifting trends in fashion. Not content with trimming down her shoulders, our heroine was forced to switch over to The Perfect Pad:
...who were, for reasons unknown, still manufacturing the Ultimate Shoulder Pad at least through the mid-90's. I'd like to think that finally, in 2009, this woman gave up these shoulder pads willingly. However, I think we all know that her addiction likely got the best of her, and her spine was crushed under the weight of these foam pads. And because of her stubborn and repeated refusals to get help for her problem, her family has no shoulder to cry upon.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Light Club

Nothing lights up a room quite like a lamp... figuratively and literally, of course. A good lamp can take a room to the next level. And then there are lamps like this:

I think I speak for everyone when I say this monstrosity is perhaps best enjoyed in the darkness--especially when you consider the lampshade that is on the Big Blue Table with it:

I actually like this lampshade, to be honest, but the fugly factor when the two items are combined is enough to make anyone wish they were blind:

Now I'm no decorator, but just because both of these items could technically be described as "floral" doesn't mean they were meant to be together. If faced with the option of illuminating my Luxurious Hollywood Hills apartment with this lamp/lampshade combo or with, say, a dozen or so glowsticks...

...well, I guess the only thing to say is "Bring on the Rave!" Sure, my apartment would be filled with people on ecstasy trying to lick each other and my furniture... but at least I'd save on electricity!

It just blows my mind that some strung-out raver in the building actually bought their "Lightning Rods!" in bulk. I love the idea of a drug-fueled shopping binge at Costco, with carts full of lollipops, whistles and glow-sticks. I guess it's true what they say: "You Can't Spell 'Value' without E."