By Wrapping Paper of St. Paul, Minnesota! Thanks, Tim!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Baby Overboard

I'm pretty sure you know what my policy will be on this item:

Who would leave such a thing on the table? And furthermore, who is this for? Who's taking a used baby bottle to feed their own infant?

I can hear at least one person saying it now: "Well, in this economy, people need any help they can get."

To anyone who offers this argument, allow me to offer you a punch in the throat. Nobody Living in Luxury in the Hollywood Hills wants to save four bucks by taking a used-and-probably poison-riddled ba-ba from a faceless stranger. Unless, of course, the baby mama is looking for one less mouth to feed. Basically, this is the equivalent of giving the kid some bleach to swallow in the laundry room... except the bleach is cleaner and you probably know where it's been.

Instead of infanticide, perhaps you might consider leaving your unwanted baby in this basket that was also abandoned on the Big Blue Table:

I mean... it turned out pretty well for Moses:

Note: This is not actually Moses.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Don't Play with your Food

I'm not ashamed to admit that I get really excited by giant boxes on the NeighborGoodies Table... it should come as no surprise that a box marked "Plays" made me positively giddy. I was hoping for some unproduced, unwanted manuscripts that were thinly veiled versions of someone's Luxurious Life in the Hollywood Hills. The box is pretty big, so I thought there would be plenty of material for weeks to come. I was even going to stage YouTube performances with the just-now-invented NeighborGoodies Players.

But alas, when I peered inside the box of Plays, I was sorely disappointed to find...

...a set of Salt & Pepper shakers with matching napkin holder featuring a mother hen and baby chicks.


I think I speak for everyone when I say "Yo, this ain't even a play!"

The characters on these monstrosities have no depth......the giant flowered sets don't work at all...

....and furthermore, the flowers are being eaten by a giant ladybug who is completely miscast:
These salt & pepper shakers are not only hideous, but they are the basis for the worst play ever!!

Watch This!

A NeighborGoodies Play!

Starring Salt:


And a Special Surprise Guest!


"Yo, Pepper! Come over here and check this out!!"

"What is it, Salt?"

"I want to introduce you to my friend!"

"Where? I don't see nobody!"

"Hey! Spinderella, cut it up one time!"

(Spinderella enters from stage right, begins to cut it up one time.)

(In unison)
Let's talk about sex, baby.
Let's talk about you & me.
Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things
That may be.
Let's talk about sex (4x)

Let's talk about sex for now to the people at home or in the crowd
It keeps coming up anyhow
Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic
Cuz that ain't gonna stop it
Now we talk about sex on the radio and video shows
Many will know anything goes
Let's tell it how it is, and how it could be
How it was, and of course how it should be
Those who think it's dirty have a choice
Pick up the needle, press pause or turn the radio off
Will that stop us, Pep?

I doubt it.

All right then, come on, Spin!

Ladies! All the ladies! Louder now! Help me out!
Come on, all the ladies!
Let's talk about sex!

Yo, Pep, I don't think they're gonna play this on the radio!

And why not? Everybody has sex!

I mean, everybody should be makin' love!

Come on, how many guys do you know make love??

(In unison)
Let's talk about sex, baby.
Let's talk about you & me.
Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things
That may be.
Let's talk about sex (4x)


As you can see, although it may be kinda catchy, the play is pretty much a mess. Poorly acted, badly written and worst of all, there's no real plot.

Or maybe I just don't understand the theater.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Eiffel Shower

Two facts about the Eiffel Tower:

Number One: It's big.

Number Two: The Eiffel Tower is not on the NeighborGoodies Table.

Well, at least not the original Eiffel Tower.
This is a miniature Eiffel Tower, and it is different than the original French Eiffel Tower in a few pretty important ways. First of all, it is not nearly as big as the original, thankfully. (That laundry room gets pretty crowded as it is, and I suspect that having a thousand-plus foot French tower wouldn't really help the situation.)

Secondly, the tower on the Big Blue Table is, for some reason, full of lilac lavendar bath salts.

According to this tag, "This 18th century recipe... was given to the Countess Belle de Fleur by her adoring husband for her birthday every year. These salts have been faithfully recreated for a luxurious bathing experience. Add 2 T. to warm water and bath like royalty."

Well, this Goodie certainly seems to be appropriate to keep up any Luxury Living you might be doing in the Hollywood Hills. Although these attached trinkets...
...including a teensy-weensy golden bible and an even smaller version of the Eiffel Tower seem out of place.

Also out of place, is the brightly painted orange and white version of the Eiffel Tower in Japan, called the Tokyo Tower:

(Another thing that is out of place is that segue. But hang in there...)

Like the original Eiffel Tower, the Tokyo Tower is also not on the NeighborGoodies Table. This tower, "inspired" by its French counterpart, is actually bigger than the original and is used for Japanese TV and Radio broadcast antennae. Despite its size, it will become outdated soon when Japanese TV makes the switch to digital broadcasting. And so they're building a new tower.

. . .

If you found that factoid about Japan to be completely boring, good job! It means you're hungry for a different side of Japan. A side of Japan few people ever get to see. Perhaps you need a seriously awesome television program that will illuminate this side of Japan in a hilariously hilarious way.

Perhaps a show like, umm....oh, I don't know, just off the top of my head. . .

Todd Newton: Are You Game? which just happens to be premiering tonight at 10:30PM (9:30PM Central) on the Travel Channel! (Those of you on the west coast can maybe catch it at 7:30PM Pacific-if you get the east coast feed! If not, just settle down till 10:30 and shut up!)

Are You Game is the story of game show host extraordinaire Todd Newton, who has decided that hosting games is for suckas: playing the games is where it's at! And so Todd's goal is to compete in a game show in every country! Head on over to the Are You Game website for a sneak peek at the pilot episode, where Todd competes on one of the effing weirdest shows you've ever seen. Seriously, it's just... totally bizarre. In the most awesome way possible.

This pilot is the reason I was in Japan a few months ago--so you should probably go ahead and set your Tivos and fall in love with it right now--because if it does well, a bunch of really awesome people will have really awesome jobs on a really awesome show.

And in order for me to keep up this Luxurious Lifestyle in the Hollywood Hills, I'm gonna need to work on something that doesn't make me perish.

Todd Newton: Are You Game?
Premiering TONIGHT at 10:30PM/9:30 Central on The Travel Channel!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Killer Art

As you know, most of the NeighborGoodies featured on this blog come directly from Hell. They are filthy, possibly cursed objects that nobody ever, ever wants.


But then there are the rare Goodies that, in my opinion, should be displayed in museums--homemade items that are nothing short of works of art! Of course, that's not to say they aren't also from hell:

First up is this remarkably dark and twisted collage. With words like murder...
and phrases like "scream 'help' like a little girl" highlighted, it's clear this piece was inspired by the artist's life amongst the killers here in the Luxurious Hollywood Hills.

Flipping over this masterpiece, you'll find the artist's full name...
...along with the teacher's name from her Art III Honors class, who no doubt had Randi thrown into counseling the second she turned this project in.

(Note: All pertinent info has been blurred out to protect the gothy high school artist girl from future acts of violence against her. And, of course, to prevent said artist/murderer from Googling herself and finding out that we know she's a would-be killer.)

After being hauled off to counseling, Randi returned to honors art and revealed herself as no longer being afraid--but is a strong young woman, looking to keep her GPA up:

I seriously cannot believe how amazing this painting is. The montage of tiger and woman speaks volumes. Randi's inner beast is now unleashed in her art, as if to say "Raaaar! I'm a tiger! Do not attack me, for I will Raaar at you! Now I must get a scholarship to lesbian school! Because without college, I will have a dark future! And with my uncertain past...


Good luck in Lesbian School, Randi. We here at NeighborGoodies certainly hope to see more of your art here very soon!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Planter's Feet

I had no idea how many horticulturists were also NeighborGoodies Enthusiasts! As many of you pointed out, the mystery item posted yesterday... actually a pot used to plant herbs or strawberries:

Photo Courtesy of Lucia Pamela, via... the web or something.

You can add it to your little garden! Adorable.

But, as you know, I have a strict policy against taking anything remotely having to do with consumables from the NeighborGoodies table: No foodstuffs, no plates, no cups... basically, any Goodie that could end up in your kitchen or in your mouth should be regarded with nothing less than abject terror.

And here's why:
Today on the table, we've got some well-worn sandals....

...another pair of disgusting shoes, along with some exceptionally hideous socks...

...and these mystery podiatry items:

Now, I know we don't have to go into how unbelievably dirty and disgusting used shoes are, because you're a reasonable adult, and you know better than to take shoes from strangers--especially the ones in this building.

However, I want to discuss these rubbery blue... things.

They are slapped with the Ped Egg logo...

...but I can't for the life of me find anything about them on their web site.

I'll admit, I was only barely aware of the Ped Egg. For those of you who don't know, my friend Jon describes the Ped Egg as a "Cheese-grater for your feet." It's purpose is to remove dead skin as if you were having a pedicure! ("They make your feet bleed," he reports.) The Ped Egg-as seen on TV--looks like this:

But after hours of research (googled twice) I can't seem to find anything about the blue rubbery Ped Egg accessories. Are they part of the Ped Egg kit? Do they go inside your shoe? Probably not, since they are extremely thick, and would leave little room to wear your shoes comfortably. But they are unmistakeably shoe-shaped... So are you just supposed strap them to the bottom of your feet and walk around with them instead of shoes? That hardly seems safe... although you'd be less likely to slip on smooth surfaces.

And since you all were so smug and smart about the planter yesterday--maybe you can help solve this all-new NeighborGoodies mystery as well! So, anyone care to hazard a guess? What are those little blue rubbery things??